Happy New Year!

2011 can suck it.

Hang in there, folks.
I'm having some techical difficulties with Ye Ole Blog of Yore here.
Technically, I don't know what the heck is wrong with it.

I still love you.
All 3 of my followers...

*muah*

Christmahanukkwaanzika 2011

Wishing everyone a very Happy Holiday Season!

Love,

Chez Quirk

The big 5 -

Happy 5th Birthday

RYLAN!

You are full of all kinds of awesome.

We love you!

It's a *Red Rider BB* gun...

The kids saw Christmas Story for the first time, and apparently it was a hit,
because now Rylan wants a "Red Rocket Beaver Gun".

Nice.

He may shoot more than just his eye out.

It's early and I need coffee.

 

Headed to surgery...

...back in a bit!

Love you all~ 

Happy Hallowe'en 2011

Happy Hallowe'en from us to you!



Ewww....pumpkin guts



New hair color for Mom!



Skeery zombie wants brains!



Fear mah zombieface

More cowbell.

I was just prepping to write about the less-than-fabulous year we are having at this new school this year, but then everything took a turn and it seems things are magically working themselves out.  Hmm.  Kind of tweaks me out when things just fall into place like that. 

I find out that my son doesn't really have a teacher.
Sure, he has a teacher....but only for fire drills. 
Whaaaaa.....
Okay, well his homeroom teacher is only for fire drills. 
Somebody better start 'splaining....

Turns out that he really doesn't have a homeroom teacher for all intents and purposes.
Jaysen requires significant support in reading comprehension and math.
Due to scheduling conflicts (yeah...I know), he is in the Resource Room for this support, while the other kids in his "class" are in their homeroom learning these subjects. 
He is, however, in GenEd for Social Studies, Science, and everything else.
Okay...I will stop clenching my teeth.

And now for The Good.
Jaysen has been having difficulty with the viola.
He's doing very well with the classwork (got an A on his first test), begrudgingly practices, and has never once complained about lugging that thing to and from school.
He just can't "get" the mechanics of it.

So.

I suggested he be allowed to switch, because the drive and interest is there- he wants to play something, and is open to suggestion.  He wanted to play trombone.  I talked him into maybe trying trumpet first.  He agreed. 
After some minor friction with the Team about allowing him to change from orchestra to band, we just had a trial with the band teacher. 
The trumpet and cornet were very difficult for Jaysen.  Think blowing-the-ass-out-of-your-pants difficult.  The teacher left the room and came back with a different instrument.  He noted that Jaysen had more instant success with this one, and if he were to recommend an instrument, this would be it. 


Ladies and Gentlemen...The Baritone.

 After the hysterical laughter subsided....he looks kinda good with that, doesn't he?  And I'd imagine the sheer size and weight may have a grounding affect for him.  Interesting.
He will need private lessons for a bit to catch up with the rest of the class, but it's all kinds of awesome.

Happy 10th Birthday!

Happy 10th Birthday, Jaysen!!!
We traveled far and wide to celebrate this monumental birthday, to Jaysen's favorite place in the whole world, where he declared this was the Best Birthday Ever.  I'm thinking it was a combo of the unexpected trip, and the acquisition of the much coveted Nintendo 3DS.

O hai!  A personalized birthday sign on the door to the hotel upon our arrival!

And horseback riding!

                          

And of course CAKE!

 

Jaysen's vegan Aunt passed on chocolate cake, but apparently eating the Birthday Boy's head is PETA-approved.

HAPPY 10th Birthday Jaysen!!!

Double digits

Dear Jaysen,

Please stop turning 10.  I'm not sure I'm ready for this just yet.  You're kind of growing up too fast. 
I mean, ten?  Seriously?  So how's about we just wake up tomorrow and pretend it's just a regular day.  Cool?

Thanks,
Mom

Lookout Ron Popeil!

 Yes!  You can now own a little bit of The Quirk Factor for your very own! 
This Zazzle-store-thing was hilariously fun.  You should try it too.

Granted, they pulled a bunch of stuff I made like this...

Something about not having Samuel L Jackson's permission to use his image....grumblegrumble.  Samuel L Jackson would totally support this, yo.  Me and Sam are *likethis*.  Kind of.  Okay, whatever.

Anyway.... Click here to go to The Quirk Factory

That's mah store.  The Quirk Factory.  Get it?  Bwahaha...sometimes I kill myself with cleverness.
There's a bunch more hilarity there, and if you're a longtime follower here, you may even think it's hilarious too.   Including, but not limited to: Autism humor, blog quotes, artwork, and shameless self promotion.

You know you want an ornament designed by Jaysen, hanging from your tree this year!
And even if you don't, someone else probably does.  They make great presents. 
And I'll even take requests.

I may not be as good a marketer as Vince Offer:

But I'm also not going to beat up any hookers, either. 

So there you have it. 

No hookers were harmed in the making of my products.  

Go check it out and let me know whatcha think.

Mah kids are weird.

It's been awhile, so...

You all know Jaysen:

Awww!



Holy bubbles, Batman!



Kitty love.

And Rylan:


I can haz mohawk?







Look!  Mom gave me liberties!





 



Scariest clown evar.








I wear my sunglasses at night...



Pimpin'.



This be his dance moves, y'all.

And most people think my special needs kid is my handful?

Oy. 

*Keep your eyes open for a special announcement coming soon here at Chez Quirk!



This *is* what's happening, hawtstuff.

School is in full swing, and the boys are settling in nicely.  Rylan at his preschool, and Jaysen in 5th grade.
I still can't believe I have a 5th grader, and my baby will start kindergarten next year.

School is going alright- I am sensing some things happening that I am not in favor of, but we'll see where they go.  Jaysen has been moved to the Resource Room for the bigger portion of his day, and I am still not understanding what preempted this move.  I mean, they even moved his locker to the RR.  Erp?  Hmm.

Jaysen's Resource teacher tells me Jaysen has friends, and kids genuinely like him.  Jaysen told me yesterday, that kids don't want to play with him at recess.  We talked a little about interests, and his BFF is very sporty and prefers to play soccer or Basketball at recess.  Jaysen does not.  Jaysen would rather run around the playground, scaling the slide, pretending he's Mario, vanquishing Koopas and Goombas.  I suggested he approach a group of kids and ask them if he could join them.  As soon as those words left my mouth, that horrifying feeling of rejection came flooding back to me.  How many times as a kid, did I ask others if I could join them on the playground, only to be met with a "no"?  Ohmigawd, that sucked.  It forced me into a shell of insecurity and extreme diffidence, that I never really fully recovered from.  I tried to quickly lay out another option of finding a kid that also looks alone, and asking that kid to play.  He liked that idea too. 

Also?  He really likes viola.  He's doing pretty well in the class- except they keep losing his shoulder pad... but he just took a test on the parts of the viola, and he rocked it at home.  We'll see how he did in school under pressure.  Haha.  But really, it's been almost a month, and he hasn't even complained once about the viola.  Not even about carrying it to and from school.  Am impressed.  :)  Especially since I can't help him at all.  I was not an orchestra student and know nothing about any string instruments.  He liked to play with my old clarinet when I had it, so why did he choose the viola?  Because the person who demonstrated the viola, played the Mario Theme song on it.  Cheater.  That is such a bitch move to sucker kids into the viola.  It's brilliant.

In other news...
Jaysen has already made the announcement that today is the last day of September, which brings us to October, which means his birthday will be a mere 15 days away. 
Can't argue that excitement- this is a big one.  Double digits, baby! 
Okay, well that and he knows he's getting a Nintendo 3DS. 
Because I'm a sucker.
The 3DS does not get good reviews, but you cannot break the iron-clad will of my child once he has his heart/mind set to something.

The "unboxing"

 
BTW, this is his I like this, but I have no idea what the hell I'm doing face.

Is it a pillow, or a viola?  Hmmm....must investigate.

Oh hey!

 

Lots more to share later, munchkins!

Hi, My Name is Anonymous

I'd like to introduce my readers to someone. 
You may have encountered this jackalope in the comments section of my posts. 
Everyone say HI to Anonymous. 

Anonymous really isn't Anonymous at all.  He's my stalker. 
Not really a stalker like drives by my house and shit like that (at least not that I know of), but more like an annoying harasser. 

Despite the numerous times I have told him to leave me alone, he wouldn't.  I even stopped talking to him altogether over a year ago.  I mean zero contact.  Still harassing me.  Un-effing-real. 

And just like his mental instability...his quips range anywhere from "I love you and miss you" to "fuck off" to absolutely non-sensical.
Seriously.

I have gotten (spelling errors included for sake of showing stupidity):
-Wake the feck up and relize I am here
-Are you on a date?
-I ask for help and you replie that you're driving. Fuck off
-I love you and your red hair
-You lost some weight
-Free coffee day at McD's
To saying that my needing another surgery is karma, and I know how to right it. 

"Right" it???  What kind of delusion is that?
Pardon my confusion, but my going out with you will make me all better?  Or going out with you will make my cervix fall out?  Damn...I had no idea. 
And here I questioned your stability.  Wow.  Well fuck me.  I just assuuuumed, y'know...that with no steady job, your anger and addiction issues, that you were a disaster.
But now that I know you can solve all my problems...maybe I should be rethinking my options. 

Mr. Anon- you are delusional.  I.Do.Not.Want.To.Be.With.You. 
Ever.
In fact, let me list a few examples of things I would rather do than to be with you.

I would rather:
Eat a tarantula.
Stick darts in my eyeballs.
Go on national TV naked, singing Jesus Loves Me.
Rub a habanero pepper on my butthole.
Hump a gorilla.
Cut off my own feet.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm hoping you get the idea.
There was a time my heart went out to you.  I actually felt bad for you, and tried to be encouraging and supportive.  Then you went all ape-shit bezerker and flipped the fuck out.
That being said, I have been very patient with your antics.  I do not find them cute, amusing, or funny.  And although your fortitude is admirable, I am telling you one more time, leave me and my family the fuck alone.  You have nothing that we want any part of.  You are crazy and pathetic, and your barrage of insults mixed with endearing comments, is enough.  Stop.  Because I'm done being nice.

Cellar Door

Does it ever seem like crazy stuff only happens to you?  I hope so because I am really starting to think some Greater Being has it out for me or something, and I'd hate to go down alone.  I'm eyeballing you, Xenu. 

I mean seriously.  Let's just look at this for a minute.
My house burns down. here
I do a botch job at cutting my thumb off with a can lid. here
I have a uterine ablation that had no success. here
I have a hysterectomy. here
I get parvo. here
My son needs surgery. here
I demand that my son stay in the school that he is currently in with his friends, only to find the new assistant principal is the old principal from the shitty-school-that-shall-not-be-named. (more on this later)
and oh yeah, I need another hysterectomy. 

Yeah, see...the funny thing about me, is if there's ever "a very small percentage..." just accept and expect that I'm in that minute insignificant group of people that bizarre things happen to. 

Because seriously who has two hysterectomies?  Oh right, people who are me.  It makes perfect sense now.   

It's like a movie.  Hysterectomy Part Deux: This time, it's cervical.

I'm pretty sure this is how wormholes are created.
If you meet your parallel self and you're way cooler than your real self- you're welcome.

Ready...set...

I have so much updating I need to do- not to mention my blog was hijacked and I couldn't get in...it's a little overwhelming, but I promise I will get there.  Pinky Swear.
But first-
You all know what today is, right?

Did you really think Jaysen was going to start 5th grade without my annual
First Day of School Freakout?!?
Hahaha....no...you know me better than that!
I am realizing, though, that The Freakouts are happening for a shorter period of time, so that's improvement...

We met the Resource Room teacher and he seems Awesome.  I'm very excited that he remembered Jaysen from ESY, and said they worked well together.  He also is kind of "tech-y", and is willing to help and encourage Jaysen's interest with basic computer-stuffs.  Double bonus there.  His Super-Awesome Resource Room teacher from The Awesome School is now his guidance counselor, so we also have that going for us.  It really looks like his year is going to start off with the right supports.  There's a couple of craperiffic things going on this year too, such as the horrible principal from the Bad School is now his assistant principal, and his parapro seems kind of clueless, but I'm hoping neither of those will be issues this year.  Om...

Jaysen was totally excited to start school today.
This is pretty huge, since for one, said child is getting bigger, with all new "big kid" responsibilities, such as *ahem* deodorant usage and the like, but also changes in our district, have now made him an "upper elementary" student.  Ooh-la-la!  This means a total change. 
New school, new teachers, new schedules, new kids, new curriculum, and holy shit LOCKERS....it's just a whole buncha NEW.  We don't usually do Teh New.  But Jaysen was excited, and that's always a bonus.  Except this year he didn't make me wait for the bus 45 minutes early.  Yay!


Here's what I think helped his new routine:

       

Awesome idea:  Morning routine written on mirror with a dry erase marker.  This way, he checks off the steps that need to be carried out to make a new morning routine. 

Smooooth, like buttah.                                 

Really, Mom....the camera?  I'm just brushing my hair. 

Give it a rest, yo.

Ta-da!  All ready for the First Day of School!  Yes, I tucked in the offending pockets. 

Also, need to work on the striking a pose.  Lookout Village People.

And here's what I think helped me:

Cheers.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

I can has red hairz?

And so I got *that* workin' for me... Lol.

Come here often?

It's been way too long since I've posted, but we've been having some slightly bizarre illness happening here.  Very high fevers and random barfing.  No other complaints, just hot n barfy. 
Anyway..
Jaysen's surgery went very well.  Thank you all for your well wishes!The procedure was a bit more involved than originally anticipated, but the surgeon was able to complete it without complication. 

Jaysen was really nervous- and by nervous, I mean he was scared out of his everlovin' mind...but once in the room, they did a good job of relaxing him (read: drugs), and it was over in a jiffy.

Going..........

........and gone.

So freakin' cute.
Recovery on the other hand....notsomuch.
Apparently, my lil guy doesn't come out of anesthesia too well.  He was really crotchety, and in a significant amount of pain.  They gave him half a vicodin, and it wasn't long before I was pushing for them to give him the other half.  The nurse was from the school of start small and increase doseage only if absolutely necessary.  Mama has had a few surgeries in the not so distant past, and is from the school of the patient should be KTFO (knocked the fuck out) the day of and the day following surgery.  Then, painkillers should be administered as necessary.



KTFO.



Add in a reaction to one of the medications and some unexplained chronic barfing....it was a rough few days there. 

New belly button under construction:

The kid is tough.

Blondie was onto something...

I have to interrupt this surgery recovery to bring you a veloci-RAPTURE post. 
Mainly because I have not gotten to transfer my pictures from my phone to my computer yet.

Okay, so if any of you happen to get Swept Up In Glory this evening, I will miss you.
You should have a Rapture party. 
All you need is some Heathens, some Virtuous Ones, and some eats and drinks. 
Oh and music.  In the event of a Rapture party, I put together an End of The World playlist. 
Cuz I care about you like that.
And I have a child recovering from surgery, so I can't get all Rapture-riffic myself.  Boo.

Here is my gift to you, a Rapture playlist:

Nothing is Keeping You Here - A-ha
Apocalyptic Sunshine - Acid Bath
Now I'm Feeling Zombified - Alien Sex Fiend
Jesus Chrysler Suicide - Anaconda's Child
Heaven or Las Vegas - Cocteau Twins
We've Got a Bigger Problem Now - Dead Kennedys
Blasphemous Rumours - Depeche Mode
Can't Go Back - Descendents
Reality Check - Genitorturers
She Floated Away - Husker Du
I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked - Ida Maria
Risen - KMFDM
Wheel in the Sky - Journey
Bring the Pain - Mindless Self Indulgence
This is Your Last Chance to be Famous My Love - The Mint Chicks
That's How I Escaped My Certain Fate - Mission of Burma
Disappointed - Morrissey
99 Luftballons - Nena
Jesus Doesn't Want Me for a Sunbeam - Nirvana
Oh Lately it's so Quiet - OK Go
Another Girl, Another Planet - The Only Ones
So Stark - Pavement
Learning to Fly - Pink Floyd
A Million Miles Away - The Plimsouls
Monkey Gone to Heaven - Pixies
Countdown to Armageddon - Public Enemy
You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby - The Smiths
Here I Am (Come and Take Me) - UB40
I've Been Waitin' for Tomorrow - The The
The End of the World as We Know It - REM

Enjoy.
And tether your asses down, 'cuz I really will miss you.
Haha....who am I kidding...you guys ain't goin' nowhere...
*muah*

Meh.

Jaysen has surgery tomorrow.
Am nervous.
So is he.
Wish us luck. 
Will check in.

~xoxoxo~

I heart lampposts

Finally.

I was given the opportunity to review a film called Loving Lampposts: Living Autistic.  Todd Drezner takes an interesting, and refreshing approach to gain knowledge about his son's diagnosis.  I say refreshing, because this is honestly the first time I have ever seen the topic presented in a 100% unbiased, non-judgemental, and eyes fully open approach.  Drezner spends time seeking knowledge from both "recovery" and "neurodiversity" movements, presenting both sides equally, and straightforward.  And neither side presented Autism as a devastating apocalyptic disease that steals your children's souls. 

This is a really good film, peeps.
The title is personal, and reflects Drezner's son's special interest in lampposts, and his affinity for them.
It's personal and heartfelt.  The parents in this film have so much love for their children. 
I would be willing to bet there are a lot of newly-diagnosed parents out there, whom would feel much comfort and support from just this knowledge alone.  Why?  Well sure, because it has Estee and Kristina in it :), but also because it presents options.  As parents, we love options.  We may have a strong feeling toward a certain side, but as long as that option is there...we are hopeful.

Not to mention the kids in the film are downright adorable.
I think this film should be stockpiled and handed out to parents of newly diagnosed kids.
It's that good.  And that informative.
Really- that's what our goal is as parents.  We just want to make the best decisions for our children, and the way to do that is to make informed decisions.

Lampposts.
Love em.

**UPDATED**  I have received a few inquiries as to how people can obtain a copy of the DVD of their own.  I was given the following information from Cinema Libre:

For people who are interested in purchasing the DVD for private use, they can go to our website.  Here is the link - http://store.cinemalibrestore.com/lovinglamppostsdvd.html.

For people who are interested in screenings or the educational DVD, they can also visit our website – http://www.cinemalibrestore.com/educational_grassroots.html

If they have questions they can contact sales@cinemalibrestudio.com


Disclaimer: I did not receive compensation for this review.  Should anyone feel compelled to compensate me, feel free.  I would love an alpaca, or perhaps a nice garden gnome.

And lastly, this...

To catch up, part one and part two.

Thank you, everyone, for your words of comfort and support.  They really mean a lot to me.
It seems that since my freakin' fire 2 years ago, I've been hit with a barrage of crap that just has no end.  It sucks, and it is affecting me.  To know that you all are out there helps ease the crappityness of it.  So thank you.

We met with the surgeon, and apparently this is a congenital defect (because everyone needs more of that dontchaknow), and it's extremely rare.  Like less than 1% of the population has this thing kickin'.  And of course, it would happen to us.  Anyway, as it stands now, we have to wait for the infection to clear up, and surgery for excision of urachal cyst is scheduled for May 19th.  I have not told Jaysen yet, and don't plan on doing so until maybe the week of.  When I tell him, he's going to flip.  But he'll pull through, just like he did at the hospital.  I am amazed at how far he has come.  How tough he has gotten.  He is now taking 3 pills 2 of which are full sized antibiotics.  That is huge for my sensory defensive kid.  Huge. 

On a side note, I was at the Metro Parent Living With Autism seminar yesterday.  It was pretty cool.  You could just feel the love in some of those presentations.  It really warmed my heart.  I also met some cool people- Melissa Hunt-Sampey and I connected on Twitter, then she magically stopped following me later that day. Was it me?  I don't know, probably.  I met and had lunch with Staci Bockmann from My Great Kid, and I really enjoyed and found motivation in hearing how her son has blossomed in theater.  And reconnected with behavior consultant Aubry Dodge, whom I absolutely luuuuurve.  She is awesome.  I've blogged about her here, but used the pseudonym "Audrey", 'cuz I'm ultra creative like that.  Aside from the vendor who told me I must not like Jenny McCarthy because I'm jealous of her money and fame (yes, really), it was a good time.

So, that's the update. 

And also this...

I received a phone call from the doctor at the hospital last evening. 
Culture came back, and Jaysen needs a surgery consult first thing this morning.  They wanted us in last evening, but I physically couldn't get him there before they closed.

Having trouble figuring out how this went from here are some antibiotics, call us if he doesn't get better to we have to get him in to see a surgeon immediately.

Am freaking out slightly.
And by slightly, I mean ohmyfreakingawd what the hello kitty is going on?
Spaztronic style.

And then there's that...

...now with more RAGEFACE.

For the past couple days, Jaysen's been complaining of a stomach ache.  Dr. appt stated a urinary tract infection. 
Y'know that "mom-voice" that says really, I'm sure that's a lovely diagnosis, but I just don't think that's what's going on here... The one that gets you labeled as "combative" and "non-compliant"?  Yeah, well we get it for a reason, doktorz.
However, I accepted the dx under the promise they would get back with me once the culture came back from the lab. 

Saturday, we spent the night in the hospital.

When I went to pick the kids up from Companion's house (note to self: Companion possibly needs a new moniker), Jaysen was still complaining his stomach hurt, and his belly button was "dirty".  Upon inspection, the "dirt" was crusty something.  Further inspection revealed that the crusties were pus.  Lovely.

So I called the doctor again, who referred us to the outpatient pediatric clinic.
Dr. at the clinic swabbed his navel, handed the culture to me, and told us to immediately go to ER.
Whaaaaat? 
"Emergency Room" and "Immediately" are words that when used together, automatically induce terror in a parent's heart.

So we went to Emergency.  Immediately.

The doctors there were awesome. 
They were efficient, informative, and let me know every little process they were considering.  They involved me from the get go.  They understood what it meant, the issues that Jaysen's ASD may present- they explained a procedure to me, and hung back while I explained it to Jaysen (and subsequently calmed him from the freakout trigger words "needle" and "medicine"). 
They understood about processing time, and respected that.  They asked my opinion on what the best approach would be for them to get what they needed.  They took their time to explain procedures further, in steps, so I could present it to him like that.  They.were.awesome. 

And Jaysen did an awesome job of letting the doctors know where his abdomen hurt and where it didn't.  He followed directions, and responded to the questions asked of him (in his Jaysen-speak).  He toughed it out and allowed them to examine him even when it was uncomfortable, even painful for him.  Fear is a powerful sedative when it comes to Jaysen.

He was terrified of getting an IV, but he didn't try to punch the tech. 
I almost did, however, because he was one of those who have to "dig around" for the vein once inside.  Asshole.

I waited for Jaysen's adrenaline RAGEFACE to subside, and explained to him that this was where they would put any medicine he would have to take, and that was uber-cool because he wouldn't have to swallow any meds.  He was unimpressed, until the nurse was fussing around and I told him she just gave him meds, and he didn't even know it.  Then, it was kinda cool, and he wanted me to take pictures of the IV.

They wanted a CT scan.
Problem with a CT scan (besides the pesky radiation), is you have to drink this apparently nasty contrast liquid. 
And no, putting it in apple juice doesn't make it any better.

Jaysen barfed it up. Twice.
They ended up putting contrast in his IV.
I asked about mild sedation- the doctor said "I figured you could go in there if you wanted to, I don't think he'll need sedation- you have a strong connection and work very well with him.  It's really cool to see.  I think he'll be fine with you there."
Aww!  Thanks doc.  I was meaning for me. 
But he did do fine during the scan.  I did too.

So....what's up with my crazy kid?
The official diagnosis is urachal remnant.  And cellulitis.
The cellulitis is no biggie, but the urachal remnant part sounds tweakish.
Apparently, this is a congenital defect where the tract going from the bladder to the belly button does not close completely after birth.
It's this semi-open tract, that became infected.
We caught it early enough that it wasn't a deep infection, so that was good.
But it can be recurring, and if left untreated, is bad news bears.

Butchaknow what?  I am so super proud of him.
He may not have been the bravest at first, but he followed mad directions, even in spite of his sensory issues and fear.  He was a trooper at drinking his "stinky juice", and is swallowing his big antibiotic horse pills. Those are both little victories for him. 
Actually, they're pretty huge.

And I am probably going to hell, but I love that last picture...

And history repeats itself.

I'm starting to think The Universe is against me.  Seriously.
What's that line...the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away?
Indian-giver.

If you've followed this blog for awhile-
a) you are undoubtedly super amazingly COOL and b) you will remember that we did not get Jaysen into a fantabulous school without a fight. 
A fight that cost him years of education, set him back socially, and shattered my trust and faith in humanity.
A fight I am afraid I am going to have to embark on yet again.
I don't know if I have the strength to do this.

I received a call from V, the supervisor of Special Education.
She informed me via phone message, that it's okay Jaysen follow through with the good school for upper elementary for 5th and 6th grade, but for middle and high school, she says he has to get back on track with our "home" schools. 

Hmm. Let's think about that for a minute.

My son was put through so much hell at one school, that you yourself- the supervisor of Special Education- said it was despicable, and he should not be subjected to that treatment.  You were there when my son was isolated from his peers and an appropriate education for over 4 months.  You were there when the teacher got the parents to rally- calling him a "monster", said he should be in a separate class, not allowed around other kids, and when were their kids going to get "special attention" like him?  You were there when the principal blatently lied about her actions, and violated multiple ethical and legal avenues.  You even had to reign her in.

You were also the one who toured the other schools with us.  You were the one who said the school we toured (Jaysen's current school), would be a much more accepting and encouraging environment.  You gushed on and on how this would be a productive and successful environment for him.  That he would flourish.  And he is.

So it's kind of beyond me, why he is being transferred back to the school system that was horrible to him.
And the kicker? 
The shit-eating principal from the crappy school?  Is at the middle school you want him in.
There is something really feckered up about that.

Guest post! :)

Today, I have a special visitor at my office with me.

Hi my name is Jaysen (name changed).
I like mario and pac man and baby einstein.
I have a super nintendo and super nintendo games. thay are called power rangers zeo racers, yoshis safari, super mario world and super mario all stars.
I have a brother name ryan who keeps beating me up and I love him so much he has red hair.
The end

So there you have it, folks. 

I have a full time job, and surprise! it's not you.

Dear People in my Life,

Please stop going to jail, beating your spouses, and being general asshats.  You should also stop the drugs, take care of your children, and do something productive instead of running around playing silly games like a spider monkey on crack.  It would be nice if you ceased having medical complications, and also? stop dying.  My sanity thanks you.

Love,
Me.

*crickets*

I know.... I have been neglecting my blog lately. 
People want me to blog, but then are offended, pissed off, or hurt when I do.
Why haven't you posted?  Your blog needs updating.  You really need to post something...
Hmm. 
This is mainly a blog about Autism. 
Things on the Autism front are okay. 
It's occasionally a blog about Charlie Sheen and unicorns. 
I'm good on that front too. 
It's also a blog about people. 
Oh shit....people?  Like me?

Yeah...it's all good until I start writing about YOU.
Then all kinds of feelings get all wankered and I'm a flying jackass with a tutu.
People get all tweaked out.
So in an effort to keep everyone happy, I just haven't been posting.
Which is wrong, yo.
I do my best to maintain anon-status for anyone whom may show up in these posts, but it doesn't seem to be enough to make them happy. 
The problem is, peeps.... this is my blog.

You see, my life is all feckered up once again.
Exploding into oblivion, with shrapnel flying everywhere.
Duck and cover, baby.

And I can't write about it, and it's affects.
Do you other bloggers ever have that problem? 
Argh.

Because I *do* appreciate the apocalypse

So Twitter.  I do not "get" it. 
However, there is a random tweet-generator that will magically predict your possible next tweets.
You knows I love me some random generators lately...
Here are some That can be my next tweet predicted for me:

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!! Just sayin'. That dose counted.

Damn you...now I am going to marry me... Srsly? You guys are going to marry me.

I appreciate the blowjob... Bwahahaha!!! On another hand, think I do?

New blog post: Yes, I Finally Understand BATMAN! And assuming isn't possessed linda blair style...

Oh, you're about to friggin cave when Charlie Sheen dies on the boy pukefest '11? : Nice!

Yes! Now I appreciate the apocalypse. Seriously, like food?

Omg... I suppose it could depend on this hot hotwheels crotch.

Rawk. I just saw rylan's butthole. This day can suck a seal.

On one hand, i'm an asshole. I would prefer to see the pygmy goats over!

Actually, maybe it does know me pretty well.
Hmmm.

Yes, YOU can make a difference.

This mom? 

Rocks.

April 2, turn it blue.

I do not much love Autism Speaks. 
That being said, they have a pretty cool Autism awareness campaign going on right now.
They are asking for major landmarks to Light It Up Blue, for Autism Awareness Day on April 2nd.

I do however, much love Jess, from Diary of a Mom.  She has posted an open letter to Barack Obama, encouraging him to include the White House in this campaign.  If you haven't read her letter, you should.  Like right now. 
You can find it here. 
It is a powerful piece, and I can't even begin to do it justice. 
So please, go read.  And comment. 

Awareness is so important, peeps.

This post is mostly about how awesome I am.

So yes, Happy St. Patty's Day everyone- whether you wear orange or green today, or simply just forgot to dress your children festively (*ahem* sorry, Jaysen) at all...may the force be with you in your quest for enlightenment through green beer.
But.
Today is also special for a totally different reason.
Know what it is?

Today...

Is my one year anniversary of quitting smoking.

Hells yeah! I am so freaking proud of myself.
I honestly never thought I would be able to do this. Never.

But now?
I think I got this shyt.

So, happy St. Patrick's Day, and Irish you were beer.

My chupacabra can beat up your tiger, Charlie Sheen.

Well, Charlie Sheen has lost his effin' mind.
Seriously lost.his.everlovin'.mind, peeps.
Or is a Scientologist.

I was going to write a post about it, but then recanted, thinking I did not want to come across as insensitive- but seeing that Sheen-o-rama has swept the internets, and here, I am totally jumping on the bandwagon. Because I am a copycat like that.

The tragic thing about Mr. Sheen's mental blowout, is he is obviously a deeply troubled person, in a tailspin of self-destruction. The lighter side is he seems to be enjoying himself, and bonus there are interesting new things like the Charlie Sheen Rant Generator, Mad-Lib style. If you are ranting like he has been, it's got to be cathartic. Let's test that theory, shall we?

Here is my automatically generated rant.

“I am on a drug. It’s called The Quirk Factor. If you try it once, you will vaporize. Your uvula will melt off, and your parents will undulate over your pummelated body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not gollyish—a total freaking nerf-herder from Jupiter. I’ve got chupacabra blood, Aphrodite DNA! … They picked a fight with a phoenix. They’re trying to take all my jawbreakers and leave me with no means to stabulate my family. It’s not botany! They owe me an apology while gyrating my tragus … I don’t think people are ready for the b'dussy I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of fugly love. I exposed lemons to magic! Here’s your sweat test. Next one goes in your eye socket!”

Awesome. I have chupacabra blood.
I love Charlie Sheen.

On a more serious note, this is a good opportunity to show kids the possible affects of "bad choices", and that even celebrities are not immune to such things. It is interesting that he is generating a feeling of great responsibility in Us. We "know" Charlie. We feel for him. We want him to get help. We want him to be okay. We care.

But how many non-celebrity people are out there with mental illness, who We don't give a flyin' monkeyfinger about? What about the everyday people? The moms, dads, siblings, neighbours... who struggle with mental illness on a daily basis? Struggle for acceptance, treatment, and services? People whose support system doesn't have seemingly unlimited funding or don't have access to the best treatment centers. Or people who simply just don't have a support system? I do hope that We are able to use this as an awareness experience, along with other celebrities that have come out with their disabilities (I'm hurling my pride and praise at you, Mr. Apl.de.ap, from Black Eyed Peas.), and bring more awareness to our society.

Whew.
Okay, I am going to get off my soapbox and go stabulate my family with jawbreakers now.

Aww nuts.

Ah. Sensory Dysfunction.

If you don't have a child with food aversions- serious food aversions, not just picky, you really can't understand. I wish I had a picky eater. I have a seriously neophobic problem eater. And no, he won't just eat if he is hungry enough.

The best way I can describe it is if you were given a plate of pufferfish which has been encrusted with a beautiful blend of glass shards and rat poison, atop a lovely glaze of cyanide, and infused with arsenic imported from France. Would you eat it? What if your bestest friend told you you would be fine? What about your mom? Surely your own mother would not wish you harm, and she says it's okay... she only wants you to try a bite, but it's loaded with things that can maim and kill you!

Chances are, you aren't going to even take a bite. And if you do take one bite, chances are you're going to have some pretty high anxieties about it. And you probably, most certainly, would become combative if someone tried to force you to eat it.

This is kind of how many of these children view unfamiliar foods.

That being said-
We attended my uncle's 70th birthday party over the weekend. Jaysen did well because he was absorbed in his computer game. We weren't going to be there a long time, so I didn't figure we needed to bring a cache of food with us. I was probably wrong. He did say he wanted a brownie, and I was actually shocked that he ate it, since it was a homemade one.

Side thought: You can tell a neophobe's parent when they are begging their child to eat junk food... Haha.

Anyfudge-
For the record, I also had to put some grapes on his plate, apparently for show since I knew they would go untouched. So he had 2 brownies, and was jockeying for a 3rd. I told him he would have to eat some grapes first. I also noticed someone had put 2 almonds on his plate.

Jaysen...eat an almond.
No.
C'mon.... I dare you. Just one.
No.
Please?
Nothankyou.
I'll give you $20.
No!
I'll give you $100.
No.
I'll....take you to Italy.
Mom! Noooo!
Okay, okay... eat one and I'll buy you a car.
NO!

By now, we have gathered a small crowd of people complete with commentary "I'll eat an almond for $20", etc. Shut up, feckerheads. Let me irritate my son my own special way.
I digress.

If you eat one almond, I'll give you $50.
You don't have $50. Show it to me.
*Upon this statement, as if on cue, my father opens up his wallet and flashes a fifty dollar bill*
Jaysen hesitates, but then popped an almond into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed!

Ohmigawd.
I owe my child $50.
For eating one almond.

YES!
Sure, he choked and gagged, almost barfed onto my aunt's coveted carpeting, but he did it! And I am rockin' proud of him. I am also proud he suckered me out of fifty bucks (higher level thinking skills!). Well actually, my dad's the one who had to cough up the dough. I think he's learned his lesson about putting his money where my mouth is. And I will totally pay you back, Peepa.

Of course, there were people who were appalled I just gave my son money for eating such a small morsel, but those of us who have truly problem eaters, can appreciate just how big this feat was.

Not to mention he totally called my bluff and shut me down.
Well played, Pooka.

What does FUN look like?

New post- birthday edition

It's mah birfday!

Ever get those B-day wishes that kinda make you feel special? And by special, I mean you kinda question your sanity for even knowing these people? The people who make birthdays really special?

I do.
And this year, extra special birthday thank yous go out to the following:

Marianne, who gave me my very first birthday greeting at 2:14am this morning.
Jaysen, whose first words to me this morning were "Yo, Mom.....happy birthday."
Wandy, who promised me a unicorn.
My coworker who wished me to have a zombietastic birthday.

And Ex.
The winner of everything special...who sent me a text this afternoon wishing me a Happy Escape from Vagopolis Day.

Yes, he's still single, ladies....

*Now updated* to include my cousin D, who called me to say "Hey, is this my old ass cousin?"
Thanks, yo.

Summer lovin'....

Starting to stress about the summer already. There's 9 inches of snow outside, but I am stressing about the summer.
The kids are going to have to go to camp, so I'm starting the research process to find one that fits.

Jaysen came with me to visit the first one...








Will keep looking.

Back by popular demand.

Okay! I know I haven't posted in eleventy billion years, but I've been busy.
Or something like busy.
Busy-ish?

Anyway, because the people have demanded it *ahem, Dad*, I am really going to try to make an effort to be more consistent with my entries here.
Because you all love me. *ahem, Dad*

So.
Because I live to tease my kids about....well, anything really... this was the conversation this morning:

Me: So Jaysen. Do you have a girlfriend yet???
Jaysen: No! That's disgusting!
Me: No it's not disgusting! When are you getting married? I want grandbabies you know.
Jaysen: I am not marrying Marissa.
Me: Ooooh....Marissa, eh? Okay, well maybe we'll get you a mail order bride. Like off of Amazon or something. Maybe ebay.
Jaysen: *ignoring me by now, but probably wondering how she would fit in a box*
Me: So what would you do if a girl came up and kissed you on the cheek?
Jaysen: I would freak out.
Me: *Bwahahahaha!* But kisses are nice.
Jaysen: I know kisses are nice. I like to kiss moms.
Me: Um. What other moms are you kissing?
Jaysen: You....and Moppi....she's your mom....
Me: Okay. So when are you going to get married so I can have grandkids?
Jaysen: Mom. You'll be dead.
Me: *blink blink* Erp?

My son. Killin' me off before the promise of grandkids.
He is so grounded.

An open letter to my Wii Fit.

Dear Wii Fit,

I have tried for so long to love you. It just isn't working out for me. It's not you...it's me. No, wait...it's you. I hate you.

It isn't enough that you mock me when I step onto the balance board with an "Oh!" like you are surprised that I weigh that much. Nice. I hate you. But in the event that I actually gain weight, you proceed to make my Mii plump out magical like (and she seems just as shocked too), and now? I have the fattest Mii in the lineup. Yay me! Or yay Mii. You can suck it either way.

Exhibit A

Also? When we are doing jackknifes together, you really need to reconsider the counting thing. Every single time, I swear you are saying "one more to go!" and I get all excited- but really, it is "tw-ONE-ty more to go!" Seriously? That is a cruel trick. You are an asshole.

Insults aside, I am convinced you are trying to gaslight me. I used to use the female trainer. But I got bored with her svelte ass gently telling me I just "wasn't strong enough for this exercise", so I am batting for the other team and have switched to the Dood. I like Dood. Dood is alright in my book. He does not make me feel self conscious with my fatparts jiggling all around. Why? Because he is apparently a eunuch. Which is delightfully entertaining. I trust Dood. But then one day, there is something different with Dood. Something is off. Hmmm...what could it be? Hey- when did he get that metro ponynub? Is Dood's hair long enough for a ponytail? Is it just too hot inside of my television today? Did Dood get fired and this is his replacement? Did he run off with Chick? Is Chick preggers?!?!? Why have I never noticed this before? And then the next day, he's back to his usual self.

Gaslighting.
See for yourself.

This is Dood. Nice looking, non-judgemental, kindhearted...he cares, yo.


This is back of Dood.


Hmm...what's this? An interloper?


WTF Dood?!? You're obviously more absorbed with your looks than you are with my health.
Go screw yourself.


You be the judge.

So, I am leaving you for Zumba, where the girl trainer is upbeat and motivating, and the Guido-boy trainer looks at you with crazy-eyes, just like he probably would in a real club, because you are blocking his reflection in the mirror. He too, is self absorbed, but at least he doesn't front.

Kisses,
Me.