Aww nuts.

Ah. Sensory Dysfunction.

If you don't have a child with food aversions- serious food aversions, not just picky, you really can't understand. I wish I had a picky eater. I have a seriously neophobic problem eater. And no, he won't just eat if he is hungry enough.

The best way I can describe it is if you were given a plate of pufferfish which has been encrusted with a beautiful blend of glass shards and rat poison, atop a lovely glaze of cyanide, and infused with arsenic imported from France. Would you eat it? What if your bestest friend told you you would be fine? What about your mom? Surely your own mother would not wish you harm, and she says it's okay... she only wants you to try a bite, but it's loaded with things that can maim and kill you!

Chances are, you aren't going to even take a bite. And if you do take one bite, chances are you're going to have some pretty high anxieties about it. And you probably, most certainly, would become combative if someone tried to force you to eat it.

This is kind of how many of these children view unfamiliar foods.

That being said-
We attended my uncle's 70th birthday party over the weekend. Jaysen did well because he was absorbed in his computer game. We weren't going to be there a long time, so I didn't figure we needed to bring a cache of food with us. I was probably wrong. He did say he wanted a brownie, and I was actually shocked that he ate it, since it was a homemade one.

Side thought: You can tell a neophobe's parent when they are begging their child to eat junk food... Haha.

Anyfudge-
For the record, I also had to put some grapes on his plate, apparently for show since I knew they would go untouched. So he had 2 brownies, and was jockeying for a 3rd. I told him he would have to eat some grapes first. I also noticed someone had put 2 almonds on his plate.

Jaysen...eat an almond.
No.
C'mon.... I dare you. Just one.
No.
Please?
Nothankyou.
I'll give you $20.
No!
I'll give you $100.
No.
I'll....take you to Italy.
Mom! Noooo!
Okay, okay... eat one and I'll buy you a car.
NO!

By now, we have gathered a small crowd of people complete with commentary "I'll eat an almond for $20", etc. Shut up, feckerheads. Let me irritate my son my own special way.
I digress.

If you eat one almond, I'll give you $50.
You don't have $50. Show it to me.
*Upon this statement, as if on cue, my father opens up his wallet and flashes a fifty dollar bill*
Jaysen hesitates, but then popped an almond into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed!

Ohmigawd.
I owe my child $50.
For eating one almond.

YES!
Sure, he choked and gagged, almost barfed onto my aunt's coveted carpeting, but he did it! And I am rockin' proud of him. I am also proud he suckered me out of fifty bucks (higher level thinking skills!). Well actually, my dad's the one who had to cough up the dough. I think he's learned his lesson about putting his money where my mouth is. And I will totally pay you back, Peepa.

Of course, there were people who were appalled I just gave my son money for eating such a small morsel, but those of us who have truly problem eaters, can appreciate just how big this feat was.

Not to mention he totally called my bluff and shut me down.
Well played, Pooka.

Another reason my children will need more therapy...

Jaysen's lunch.

New strategy.

Reads: Magic carrots. Only eat if you want super-speed.

Love, Mom

Reads: Evil Cookie of Doom.

Love, Mom

Yeah, it didn't work either, but I had to give it a shot.

I wish you a caffeinated Christmas.

Hope every one's Turkey Day was superawesomefantabulous!

Yum.

Know what time it is now?


Yeah, yeah, yeah...put up the tree, shopping frenzy, etc... but this is a very special time. A highly anticipated time. A holy time in the Quirk household...

It's time...for...Starbucks Christmas Blend! *gasp*

Behold a caffeinated miracle.

Isn't it....beautiful?

*sigh*

For those who are not aware of the Starbucks Christmas Blend...this stuff is magical, yo.
Case in point- I make some Christmas Blend, have a few cups, and ohmigawd....I want to clean my house. Top to bottom. I love this shiz.

Jaysen thinks I'm nuts.
I spent about $80 in coffee.
I just may be nuts.

But it's Starbucks Christmas Blend!
And no, I am not receiving any compensation for this post-
I just lurve. it. this. much.

Ahh... I love the holiday season.

Skillz with pillz

Against my better judgement, I am totally going to post some superfantabulous news, about a superfantabulous gain we have made.

Hold onto your stickybuns, because this is HUGE.

So, you know my son...the one with sensory issues, who only eats things that he deems non-vomit-inducing? Okay, and we also know his sensory issues cross over into medications. No oral medications (makes him all barf-o-rama), has resulted in M-tabs and suppositories.

Jaysen was off meds for about a month. He started to get tweaky, so we revisited the med route. Upon familial suggestion (don't you just lurve that?!?), we tried Intuniv. Don't try this at home folks...my kid was berzerker. Like not a funny hyper berzerker... mean joe green berzerker. After only 4 days, we switched him to Abilify. Muuuuch better.

Huh?
What's that? Abilify comes in pill form?
Yes..... I know.

I had been prepping him for the meds... up until now, I had been able to successfully sneak him the Risperdal, but I wanted him to be informed as to what was going on and why he was taking these medications. Of course he bucked, but when I explained that the med was to help him not be so angry, and he might like how it makes him feel balanced, he said he would try it.

We spent the night before practicing swallowing pills using Skittles.
He thought it was funny and was really proud he could do it.

When it came time to "go live"....
Went without a hitch.
Perfect.
He even made a big production out of it.

If that's not awesome in its own right, here's what he said to me at bedtime-
"Mom...thank you for practicing me the Skittles...it helped awesome."

And now... he has taken it every day, on his own (with parental supervision).

Persistance really does pay off.

Four years!
It took four years, but LOOK what I found in Jaysen's lunch box!...

Peeps. Are you able to comprehend the magnitude of this feat?!?
My child...my food-issue child...actually ATE an apple.
By his own free will.
I know!
Take a minute to catch your breath because yesterday, there was THIS...

I know!
And just when you thought it couldn't get any better...
Today!...

Alright, so he didn't do as good of a job on today's, but still.
This is huge.
Jaysen, I am so proud of you!

As far as the rest of that apple...
Enter the clean up crew.

Bon appetit!

Friends, a uterus, house drama, and strawberries.

Just going to fill in the blanks of what's been going on at Chez Quirk lately-
Already, this has been a year of tremendous ups and downs.

My 2 best friends (only friends?) moved away- one up north, and the other clear across the country. Boo.

Anyone remember my lovely, and by "lovely" I really mean horrifyingly painful ablation experience? Yeah, well I wasn't one of the lucky 80%. So I'm having a hysterectomy (LSH). Next wednesday. Like a few days from now. Unless I'm still sick, because I now have strep. Lovely. Ugh.

Our house is still not even close to being built. Like the builder doesn't even have the permit yet. Ugh. I'm really starting to stress.

But check out my fantastonishing parenting skills-
Jaysen is putting on way too much weight.
He's now "The Jiggly Kid".

No fun.


Most of his crap-eating is at nighttime. I know. Wonderful timing.
So I mad a firm decision to limit him to ONE bedtime snack (90% of the time it's popcorn).
After said snack, he is only allowed something healthy to snack on, and water.


For those new to this blog, it's important to know that Jaysen has some pretty significant food aversions. He is the carbo-kid. Aside from the baby food I forced down his gullet, he has never, and I mean NEVER eaten a vegetable. Raw, cooked, covered in cheese, pureed, pureed and hidden in food, silly shapes, dipped in a variety of sides... I've tried it all. The times I forced- I mean coerced him, he turned red, eyes watered, and gagged. Not the gagging that you get when you brush your teeth, but gagging like holycrap I.Can't.Breathe! type gagging.

On occasion, Jaysen has been able to choke down red grapes and thinly sliced, peeled, apples.

Anyway, back to my evil plan.

The first few nights, he thought this entertaining little game of mine was a challenge of sorts, and actually went along with it. I love that he humors me. After a few nights of this, he was not amused anymore. He would get into bed, and ask for popcorn, cocoa puffs, cheese its, goldfish, or some other previously allowable bedtime snacky-type foods.

Denied.
You get fruit or veggies, and water.

He begrudgingly agreed to apples. Begrudgingly like I was making the poor kid eat sticks and rocks.

I remember back to the time my kid ate Special K red berries cereal. He wouldn't touch the cereal part, but would pick out the freeze dried strawberries. The next day, I was on a freeze dried strawberry hunt. Love you Trader Joe's!

Now, he gets into bed and says, "Can I have strawberries?"
Aaaaaaabsolutely!

Only problem is the damn things are so expensive! I mean seriously, I can only find them at the one store, and they're almost $4 a bag! And he blows through a bag a day.

So yay! He's eating "good foods" at night!

How To Gross Your Mom Out In 4 Easy Steps

Step 1:
Rummage through the fridge and try to look innocent, when you expression totally says you're clearly up to something.

Step 2:

Concoct your evil plan and mix really well.

Divert Mom's attention by feigning bravery while facing not only tactile aversions, but also the barrage on your olfactory system.

Step 3: Voila! Laugh maniacally as it is confirmed you have officially reached Barf-o-Rama status.

Step 4: Try to get her to taste it.

**I don't know why it's doing that weird chipmunk fast-forward thing, but apparently I'm having some technical difficulties. Turn the volume off- you can still see the sheer joy in his face as he terrorizes me. If anyone knows how to remedy this, please let me know!**

Grilled cheese - Momzilla style

Step 1:
Obtain 2 pieces of "acceptable" bread.

Step 2:
Butter bread on outsides, and place butter-side down on a paper plate.

Step 3:
While you are getting the "acceptable" cheese out of the fridge, hone your ninja skills and sneak the jar of mixed vegetables baby food out of the fridge at the same time. Hide jar behind bananas on counter.

Step 4:
Open the cheese wrapper - note this is the only time where if the cheese does not come out as a perfect square, it won't matter. As long as child does not witness any cheese mistakes.

Step 5:
At this point, start singing loudly- as this will usually deter child from entering kitchen.

Step 6:
Agility counts. Use dull knife to spread baby food onto bread. Wait a few seconds as the orange glop begins to soak in. Be careful not to overspread onto the crust of the bread, as this will surely send off a red flag. Likewise, do not get overzealous about the baby food. If you use too much, you may lose grilled cheese forever.

Step 7:
Assemble sandwich onto heated pan. Butter sides on the outside, baby food sides on the inside, and cheese in the middle. You may stop singing now.

Step 8:
While sandwich is sufficiently heating, throw out paper plate before child sees it and goes into convulsions.

Step 9:
Sandwich done, remove it from pan and place on pristine plate. Let it cool just a bit so the cheese does not drip out and stick to the plate. Cut the sandwich in a diagonal.

Step 10:
Inspect and admire how nicely the melted cheese masks the baby food.

Step 11:
Present to child and walk away. Do not watch as he looks at it, sniffs it, takes just a nibble, and finally determines it is acceptable to eat.


And that... is how we do in my house.
Wanna come over for grilled cheese???
It's yummy...

A spoonful of sugar.

Thank you all for your suggestions! Although none of them were successful (his aversions are just too strong), I truly appreciate the input.

Some other failures of mine were:

Coating the pill in Magic Shell. In hopes that when he put it in his mouth, the chocolate would start to melt and he would be ale to swallow it.

Cutting a slit in the back of a Gummy Bear and inserting the pill. Also in hopes it would just slide down.

Inserting the pill into a marshmallow. Same idea.

Luckily, he was able to keep down baby aspirin (most of the time). He could only handle one aspirin, which is not even a full dose, but at least it was something. Jaysen's fever broke that night, and he is back to his ol' self.

He's also been getting nosebleeds for a few months now-
I sent him back to school yesterday, and when I went to get in my car to go to work, his bus was in my driveway! My immediate thought was, "ohmigod...did I put him on the wrong bus?"

I ran out to the bus to find the aide trying to smother a child with kleenex. Upon closer inspection, I realized that the child in question was mine, and the aide was not trying to smother him, but rather trying to stop a bloody nose. It was bleeding pretty heavily, so they turned around and brought him back home. Free day out of school.

As Murphy's Law would have it, Jaysen is better, and Rylan is now sick. Same thing with the high fever, no other symptoms. Rylan will take meds to some degree (he can, he just doesn't want to) so I'm not tweaking about that just yet.

The most ironic part of this whole sickness episode? Jaysen telling Rylan to stop crying and take his medicine so his fever will get better. He's also encouraging Rylan to eat his chicken soup.

Um, yeah. Kettle? You're black.

Koopas, Goombas, Bowser, and Food.

What do they have in common?
They are all heinous enemies, which should be vanquished from the face of the earth.

Jaysen's latest obsession with Mario still holds strong, and has expanded to include playing Mario on the Wii for hours at a time. Despite his frustration with the games, he would play from the time he woke up 'til the time I forced him into bed.

I have tried using a super-cool new visual timer to limit his game play, but as soon as the timer went off, he would perseverate "Can I play the Wii now? Can I play it now? How about now? How many more minutes?" etc, driving me batshit crazy.

Hence the new strategy.

I discussed the new strategy with Jaysen last night, and he's game (pun intended) for it. It involves his consumption of food, which has always been a struggle with him. I explained that he will be able to "earn" Wii time for the consumption of either healthy, or new, foods. He smiled and immediately wanted to make a chart. I told him I would think about how to devise such a chart (since he tends to outsmart me on these things, being the ultimate "loophole finder").

His suggestion was to make a chart with G, M, G, M, G, M, G, M.
Grape, milk, grape, milk, grape, milk, grape, milk.
Foods that he will tolerate in such desperate times.
Umm... no.
I explained that he will not earn Wii time by eating a taste of foods that have already passed into the "yellow zone" of not-desired-but-tolerable-at-times.

He can, however, earn time by:
1. Eating a serving of a "yellow zone" food, such as a half of an apple, or a small bowl of grapes.
2. Consuming a taste of a "new food" or a food which currently resides in the to-be-avoided-at-all-cost "red zone". Such as a bite of broccoli, or bite of chicken not in nugget form.

I know there will have to be some tweaking to the plan such as deciding exactly how big a "bite" actually is, or if a "taste" must involve the actual swallowing of offending item. I will have to make on the spot decisions according to the intensity of his actions concerning this. I can usually tell just how far I can push the limits by watching his reaction to things. Hmm... that bite of carrot was itty-bitty, but he's not red-faced and drooling? Try a bigger bite, buddy. Bite of mashed potato making him gag? Possible vomitorium eruptus approaching? That was a great try, and you may spit it out.

I have yet to determine how much time will be awarded to successful foodin', because as I have said, he has found loopholes in what I had thought were iron clad plans before. I don't know if I should even specify an amount of time. Just set the timer for 15-30 min depending on the amount and undesirability of the foods he did eat. I'll have to think about this one.

If all else fails, I'm sending him to Maddy.

Who you callin' turkey?

We had a great Christmas/Yule.

Companion and I awoke first. I think we were both close to going in and waking up the kids ourselves, just out of anticipation, but I'm glad we didn't. Jaysen woke up around 9am. He walked out into the living room and although he was in a good mood, the sight of the tree and presents was a bit overwhelming. So much for watching my kid tear into his presents first thing in the morning...he wanted to wait for Rylan to wake up. Awww.

Once Rylan woke up, the two of them opened their presents. Rather, Jaysen opened his presents, and "helped" Rylan open his. Everything was going so well, all of the presents got a positive reaction- one shirt was so overwhelming (a personalized "Sorcerer Mickey" from Fantasia, T-shirt), that Jaysen took it out of the wrapping, immediately ran it to his bedroom, and threw it into a box. Score! He really digs it.

Then there was the turkey.
Oh yes, the turkey. Evil thing it was.

I planned to make my first turkey for Christmas dinner. People do this all the time...how difficult could it be? Let's just say that if I have to make it, we will never have turkey again.

I got the turkey unwrapped, and just stared at it. I knew there was a neck and a bag of disgusting little thing-a-ma-grossness in there, but being the mother of a one-year old, I figured it couldn't be as bad as some of Rylan's diapers.

I reached in, grabbed hold of the neck, and pulled it out. And there it was. The turkey neck. I looked at it, and I realized I was staring at a turkey neck complete with the freakin' trachea dangling from the end of it! NAAAAAASTY! I was so grossed out, I flung the neck into the trash and started to dry heave.

Once I gained my composure...aww crap...there's still that "bag of goodies" in there! I tried to gear myself up to reach in again, but I couldn't do it. Ugh- I started to heave again.

What would a normal person do in this situation?
What did I do?

"Jaaaaaaayseeeeeen!"

Yep. I called my kid to do the dirty work.

"Jaysen, there's a bag in the turkey. I need you to put your hand in here, and get it out".
"No."
"C'mon...my hand is too big. Just reach in and grab the bag."
"No thank you".
"Please?"
"No."
"Just do it. You can have a piece of chocolate?"
"NO!"
"Two pieces?"
"NO!"
"C'mon Jaysen! Look! What's in there? There's something in there! What is it?!"
"NOOOOOO!!!"

Whimp.
Okay, I'm obviously going to have to do this myself. Put on your big girl panties and suck it up. Then it came to me. I had a most brilliant idea. Shaken Turkey Syndrome. I turned the bird upside down and proceeded to shake the shit out of it. Think a 14 pound ketchup bottle. But- it worked! I amaze myself with my brilliance at times.

I prepare the bird, throw it into a pan, and I'm good to go.
Or so I thought, until Companion called and told me I had to clean out the anus.

"The whaaaaat? I mean...I know what an anus is, but I have to what? Are you for real????"
"Yeah (laughing), I guess sometimes there's a second bag in there."
"Holy shit. I don't know if I can do this."

Jaysen's out of the question- he wouldn't reach in and get the giblet bag in the first place, there is no way in hell I'll be able to convince him to root around a turkey anus. By the way? The phrase turkey-butt has a whole new meaning to me. I no longer think it is funny. At all.

This turkey and I were on a whole new personal level, that I figured I should name him. George was his name. George's anus was clear in case you were wondering.
I finally got George into the oven after I threw an apple and an onion inside of him.
Yes- I said an apple. Yes, a whole apple.
Apparently, this is not a popular thing to do with a turkey, because of the looks I have been getting. Hey- I said it was my first turkey! Leave me alone.

George's name was changed to Damien somewhere at the beginning of the cooking process, since he made me burn my wrist on an oven coil. Damn turkey. I'm glad you have a dumb apple up your butt.

Fast forward.
Damien turned out great once his popper popped. He did not get the best of me. Dinner was great. The whole night- was great.

Victory is mine.
Whew.

Power to the patty.

If you're a reader of this blog, chances are you're familiar with my son's eating habits (or lack thereof).

To recap, these are the foods that Jaysen will eat:

Cheese-its
Pepperoni pizza
Macaroni-n-cheese (Kraft only)
Chicken nuggets
Waffles
Grilled cheese sandwich
Fruit snacks (but not the ones with 100% fruit)
Dry cereal (some)
Chips
Cookies (some)
French fries (the fast food kind)
Salami
Goldfish crackers

Needless to say, packing a "healthy" lunch so I at least look like a responsible parent, is difficult.

However, last Thursday, Jaysen came home with his lunch untouched. I thought it was odd that even the "good stuff" was still in there, but thought that possibly he got in trouble just before lunch, and his refusal to eat was a protest, or whatever.

The next day, Jaysen comes home again with a full lunchbox. Hmmm. Should I bite? Okay- I'll bite.

"Jaysen, did you...buy your lunch today?"

"Yep."

"What did you get?"

"Hamburger and french fry stars." (It was "Spongebob lunch day, with 'Crabby Patty' burger and 'Patrick Star' fries)

"Um Jaysen?...Did you eat it?"

"Yeah. (big pause) I didn't eat the bread, but I ate the sausage."

Whaaat?!? *Screeching brakes inside of head* What did he just say?!?
I about shat upon myself.

First, of the beautiful sentence he strung together- "I didn't eat the bread, but I ate the sausage". Also... because my son ate a hamburger patty! I couldn't believe it! My son. Ate a hamburger patty! That just doesn't happen! It's like learning that grass is actually a shade of orange. He actually ate a hamburger patty. It was as monumental an event as his first steps. Really.

I decided to quit while I was ahead, and not press the issue. I praised him and mentioned that I bet it was good, and let it be- while inside, I'm dancing a jig of awesome happiness. I'm hoping it was positive peer pressure- wanting to be like other kids and do what they're doing...one of those kids has eventually got to eat a vegetable or a fruit...

This morning, I marched into the school office and added $50 to his lunch account.

Forget cake...Let him eat patty!

Naassssty...

Okay, so usually I've got a pretty strong stomach. I've also got a deep respect for cultures other than my own. However, I've just been introduced to the culinary micro-trend of ikizukuri.

Oh? You haven't heard of it? Perhaps you should keep it that way.

Ikizukuri is from Japan, and apparently it is making a comeback in the delicacy world. It's the "art" of preparing and serving fish- while it's still alive. Yup. Fish are sliced up, and kept alive, while the chef chops the filet into bite-sized pieces, arranges it artfully around (or in front of) the fish, and the dish is served- while the live fish is left staring at its own flesh being eaten.

Here's a clip of fish ikizukuri.

Here's a clip of frog ikizukuri.

Uggggggh....don't say I didn't warn you.

Veggin' Out

Not counting baby food (because really...they open, and you just shove in whatever it is you want them to have), Jaysen has never- and I mean never- eaten a fruit or vegetable. His pediatrician tried to reassure me that he is following the typical age-appropriate diet of pizza, chicken nuggets, mac-n-cheese, and the occasional hot dog, and I shouldn't worry.

He's five now. He needs to be eating better foods, and following a better dietary routine. Yes, I am aware that quite a bit of this is my own fault, but I'm still figuring out this sensory stuff too.

So, we tried a sticker chart. Jaysen would get a coveted video tape if he ate 5 bites of a fruit or vegetable (he chose it to be apple- I made a mental note to next time write fruit and vegetable). I explained that he could take as long or as many days as he wanted, but he wouldn't get the video until all 5 squares had a sticker in them.

Day one: A successful bite of apple with much apprehension and a little gagging.
Day two: Another successful bite of apple, less apprehension, still gagging.
Day three: Yet another success. I decided to up the ante and make the "bite" a "piece".
Day four: One slice of apple eaten in about 10 minutes. Lots of complaining.
Day five: One slice of apple eaten in about 1 minute. Big smiles and "I did it"!

(It's extremely difficult watching your child having such a hard time with eating certain foods. He was trying so hard- giving such a valiant effort, yet he truly cannot handle the textures. His choking and gagging is not drama. It's for real. As a mom, I have to think about what's right for my son. Yes, he needs to eat good foods, but am I torturing him by putting him through this? Is this even helping him become more tolerant of different textures? Is there a better way? Because right now, I feel like the "Meanest Mom in America" for putting him through this. I offered him baby food, but he won't eat it because "it's for babies". He likes to juice things in the juicer, but won't drink it because it doesn't "look right".)

The next chart had 6 squares for fruits and vegetables. He choked down 2 pieces of apple and 3 grapes. I extolled him, and told him that all he had to do was eat one vegetable and the tape was his. He said, "*groan* maybe tomorrow". That was fine with me- I didn't want to push him. He did eat a small carrot the next night.

The day after that, Jaysen decided he wanted to do another sticker chart for another video. This time the deal was: Three fruits, one milk, and a vegetable.

The result?

The whole chart was completed that night. Hmm...this kid has got some serious motivation. He complained, gagged, and choked, but he didn't want to give up. He wanted that video. And he got it. Now my dilemma is- how can I get him to add these offending foods to his daily diet. He's willing to do it for incentives, but he wants to knock 'em all out of the way at once. If I could just get him to spread it out throughout the course of a day...it will take some planning, but I'll figure something out.