Saturday, July 25, 2009

Droppin' el ball.


Have I mentioned The Sick has invaded the household once again?
Yeah, can't seem to get away from it.
Luckily, or unluckily, I am the final victim.


Jaysen lost another tooth yesterday- it's so funny now because he has these two big rabbit-teeth in the front where his adult teeth grew in, and two open spaces on each side of his lower middle teeth. I can't look at his smile without cracking up.

Anyway- so he lost a tooth.
We had a special "Tooth Fairy holder-thing" that was actually a ceramic fairy votive candle holder from Partylite. It was a ceramic fairy holding out her hand, and had a little glass cup for a votive or tealight candle. That's what we used to put his teeth in for the Tooth Fairy. No messing with pillows and chancing kids waking up or anything. I impress myself at times.

Since we don't have the Tooth Fairy holder-thing anymore, we put Jaysen's tooth in a fancy schmancy goblet. Surely the Tooth Fairy would like something of such beauty.

Did I mention I'm sick?

I was too tired to remind Jaysen to write a note to the Tooth Fairy, so we just put the tooth in and he went to bed. I had a lot of stuff to do for the insurance claim, so I was working until I thought I was going to pass out.

Took a shot of NyQuil, and went to bed.

You guessed it.
In the morning when Jaysen woke up- the tooth was still there.
Crappity, crap, crap.
I did the ultimate mind-fuck and told him he must have been dreaming because I just checked, and the tooth was gone. He went upstairs to check. In the goblet was a dollar bill.

The Tooth Fairy didn't leave him a note.
The Tooth Fairy always leaves him a note.
And what was with the dollar bill?
The Tooth Fairy always leaves cool stuff like a silver dollar or the gold dollar coins.
A regular dollar bill? You've got to be kidding.

So- I kinda dropped the ball on this one, big time.
He's still hurt the Tooth Fairy didn't leave him a note. He tore apart his room looking for it. I told him maybe she forgot to leave one because he forgot to write one to her, but he wasn't buying it.

But did I mention I was sick???
Lesson learned: Tooth Fairies should not drink NyQuil.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Ups and Downs

First the good:
I'm happy to report that Jaysen has settled into his ESY schedule, and things are going well. He rides the bus with a bunch of kids, one of them being very vocal. This is a big step for J, since he is usually deterred from people making sounds like that. This year, either he knows the kid from school, or he's becoming more tolerant. Either way, 'tis good.

Now the rest:
The frustration with the video games continues. Coupled with that, is the return of the self-injurious behaviors. Sunday evening, he was playing some game on the computer, and he started punching himself in the head harder than I've ever seen before. It wasn't the familiar thudding sound, but more of a cracking sound. It was violent.

I can usually gauge when these episodes are going to escalate, but this was one of the times it spiked too quickly for me to catch.

I've posted on Jaysen's self-harming before, and it's still just as heartbreaking. To watch your child hit his head, bite his arm, punch himself in the face, leave welted streaks down his cheeks from scratches... in my opinion, will never feel comfortable.

You want so badly to take away their pain- and I'm not just talking about the pain they're inflicting, but the pain that is causing the infliction- but you can't seem to figure out how.
I've been trying for years to teach different coping skills and methods. I've never disallowed him to stim. I've held tightly. I've yelled. I've ignored. I've medicated. I've spoken softly. I haven't spoken. I've protected. I've intervened. I feel like I just don't know what avenue to go down now.

It's difficult with Rylan too- he's become pretty aggressive. I don't know if it's "terrible two's" or whatnot (Jaysen was my first, so I don't really know what "typical terrible two" behavior necessarily is), but his aggression is freaking me out. He'll do something mean, and think it's funny. Not just laugh at your reaction, but look straight at yoou while he's about to do whatever evil deed it is, make eye contact, put on his "cute face", proceed to pummel whatever his intended target is, then crack up about it. The kid will even stand in time out smiling.

Like I said, I don't know if this is typical, if he's reacting to the fire, or if he's observing his brother beat the everlovin' tar out of himself, that is feeding this aggression.

The other night- we're chillin' at home, Jaysen's playing his DS at the table, Rylan's across from him drawing, and I'm in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. *Crash* And I hear the scream of a wounded child. The big one. I ran into the dining room where Jaysen is holding his head, crying so hard he can't talk. Rylan is smiling, still in his seat where I left him a few minutes prior.

A survey of the area, and I couldn't believe what happened.
The kids were just sitting there, when for no apparent reason, Rylan picked up his glass and chucked it at Jaysen's head. The glass shattered on impact, right above Jaysen's eye.
Nice goose egg forming, but no cuts or glass shards in eyes. Thank Manischewitz.

I was irate.
Rylan then proceeded to cut his hand on the broken glass as I was trying to pick up the shards and tend to Jaysen, so now there are two kids with injuries and a floor full of broken glass.
What the hell, people? Is this freakin' normal, or is my child the next Ted muthafuckin Bundy?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Third helping?

I feel compelled to blog about something that's come to my attention more than a few times in the past couple weeks. Apparently, people are wanting to know if I am going to... try for more children.

Are you people out of your freakin minds?!?

I mean, have you seen how crazy my life is already?
'Cuz let's just throw a baby on top of all of this- all smushy and cute, covered in drool, snot, and stale formula. No sleep til Brooklyn style.

Despite my tubal ligation and BBQ tweeter procedures, let's just pretend I could get pregnant. Um... I'm not exactly wanting to push anymore kids out of my hoo-ha thank you.
I've done it twice and amazingly enough, it still hasn't made my list of top 10 party games.
The Red One about killed me. And him. I don't care to relive anything like that ever again.
Plus, have you seen my aftermath of a belly that used to be all cute and tight?
Yeah. Awesome.
It's its own entity.
Not to mention, I'm freakin' old, peeps!

What's that? Adoption you say?
There was a time where I would have loved to adopt.
I would have preferred to adopt.
However, this was all before the Meltdown King and his Cute But Chock Full O' Evil little brother became my minions.
Thanks, my hands are full. And so are the Evil One's diapers.

Then the questions...
But what if you meet Mr. Right?
Then I will marry him as we ride off into the sunset on a unicorn, to live in our castle made out of gumdrops.
But what if he wants kids?
Trust me. Mr. Right doesn't want any more kids.
But how do you know?
The Leprechauns told me.
But don't you want...a girl?
Not anymore. I've come to the realization the world can only handle one of me.
Just ask my mom.

Did I mention that my little sister is getting married in the fall?
How about bugging her for some rugrats?
Oh- you did? And she said no? Really?
Hmm. I don't think she's serious. Ask her again. Like a million times.
She's just unsure. You should totally persuade her.

Officially, in writing, once again, I'm done like Big Fun. The Baby Factory is out of business.
So you can stop asking now, Jaysen.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A love letter to my pharmacy.

Dear Pharmacy,

You can suck it. I've been a loyal customer of yours, oh... for a really flippin long time we'll just say. You saw me through many illnesses, my bout with mono, you were privy to my sex life when I started birth control, you witnessed damn near conception and childbirth from prenatal vitamins to painkillers in the wake of the aftermath. Twice. I've had countless conversations with your pharmacists about ASD, and there were a few who really tried their all to help me find a form of medicine my son could tolerate.

So I have to ask you, Why? WHY can't you get Jaysen's script straight?!? It's the same script as always, so I really don't see what the problem is. First, his insurance won't cover the designer drug anymore- switch to generic. I was okay with that. Now you're telling me that you can't guarantee which manufacturer makes the drug that you get in, and they have inconsistent formulas?

You make no sense. Let me rephrase that. The sense that you make, is none. When I called you to say I think we got the wrong script because this is a tablet, not an M-tab, I was the crazy one. "It says oral disintegrating tablet". I know what it says. Hooked on Phonics worked for me. What I'm saying, is the tablet is not dissolving completely. It leaves a grit in the bottom of the glass. I've been there, and it ain't flying.

Yes, I understand that on the box, it says oral disintegrating tablet. Netti pot your ears, candle them, or crunch up a pork rind in 'em. I'm telling you The.Shit.Is.Not.Disintegrating.

And... I really don't care which manufacturer you personally prefer to order from. I also don't care if you have to "special order" it- you never had to before... Just order from the one that has been sending the med for the past 3 years. The one that must have used to be the preferred manufacturer, but now isn't for some reason. Must have better samples.

No, he won't take the damn tablet. No, not even in Juice. Not in jello, pudding, applesauce, or any other foodtype in your petty arsenal. I'm not being a pain in the ass, it has to do with his sensory processing. Here we go again...ohmigod...will you just see if you can reorder the usual med before I stroke out in aisle 8?

Oh and by the way, could you please start restocking my favorite vanilla body butter?
Thanks a bunch.


On a lighter and brighter note, I've been informed I have a new reader!
She's awesomefantabulous.
Hi Madison!

Monday, July 13, 2009

The things I do for my kid...

Yesterday, I took Jaysen to this mall that has a gem of a store. The store has all Asian things, from food to furniture. Probably a poor analogy, since alphabetically, I just limited the store's selection by quite a bit.


I love Asian decor, so this has been one of my favorite stores for years. BUT! They also have awholebunchof Mario stuff (and Hello Kitty), but Mario stuff!

He totally guessed where we were going as soon as we entered the parking lot- I had told him about this store, and he's been bugging me to take him there. He was so excited, he was totally silent, except for a few high pitched squeaks. He clutched my hand as we walked through the mall. He was ticcing so much that it almost looked like he was dancing. Big tics, people. Tics that made him momentarily airborne. I am not exaggerating.

Once in the store, my boy was overwhelmed at first. I mean, look at all that Mario stuff! I am about to absolutely explode happiness out of every orifice! Ohmigosh, I can't handle The Happy! When he gets overwhelmed like that, he says he wants to leave, hides behind me, loses eye contact, and makes me talk for him.

He started to settle in and it was all good from there. He found heaven. And Mario and Luigi are there.

After the store, we went to a local fair.
There are three things you need to know about why this fair was so different from any other fair we've been to.

1- They had a mud volleyball tournament. In between games, the kids who were in bathing suits swam in these huge sinkholes filled with mud. Jaysen said he wished he'd brought his bathing suit so he could do that too. Yes, my child is both a sensory avoider and sensory seeker. It could be one, the other, both, or whatever, depending on the day, and you'd better guess correctly. Har har...

2- At one of the midway games, from across the park, Jaysen spied a stuffed animal Jerry (from Tom and Jerry). He lurvs Tom and Jerry almost as much as Mario and Luigi. Again, he retreated. He kept telling me "I see Jerry the mouse", but he wouldn't tell or show me where. Once he chilled a bit, he pointed to a booth, where I indeed did see Jerry the mouse. I leveled with the carnie and told him I just wanted to buy the damn thing. $20. Sold. It's a small price for the happiness you just brought my son. And thank you for not caring that he turned away and flapped when you handed it to him.

3- Jaysen likes rides. Not the big scary rides, but usually the carousel, kiddie coaster, ferris wheel, fun house, etc. Until yesterday.
"Mommy, I want to go on that!"
I turn to see The Himalaya.
Holy crap! Have you lost your flippin' mind?!?
Background: The Himalaya is my Moby Dick. For years, I've wanted so badly to ride it. I have always been too chicken shit. It looks so fun, with the lights and music- and c'mon, what other ride at the fair has its own DJ? But nope, I valued my dry underwear and stable stomach over my desire to conquer the unknown.
"Um, Jaysen, that's a big ride. It's scary."
(Tool around fair some more)
"Mommy, can we go on that now?" The freakin Himalaya again.
"Huh? We??? I don't think so. Mom's freaked out by that ride. And I'm not about to let you ride it alone."
"It's not scary..."
"Yes it is."
"You can ride with me! Together!"
Needless to say- my son was able to squelch twenty-sixteen years of sheer terror... and got my ass on that ride.

Thank you, Pooka, for teaching me to be brave.
I love you so much, I will ride the Himalaya all day with you.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

By the way...

If anyone remembers Jaysen's ESY schedule, please let me know...
Brain fried. I can't seem to remember if he starts on Monday or Tuesday.

What a start, eh?

Friday, July 10, 2009


This is by no means a completed list, but I wanted to show some love for the people who have helped to restore my faith in humanity. I really hope I'm not forgetting anybody- if I am, please let me know. I don't know how much info to share, so I'm keeping a moderate level of confidentiality for everyone...

Many thanks, huge hugs, bright blessings, and much love to:

My parents

Kev L, Grahm B, Casdok, Karen E, Lynne H, Snjezana SZ, Matt C, Cecilia B, Susan S, Jen P, Robin T, Jonathan JP, Elisa B, Gabrielle M, Shelley D, Heike F, Kristin and Ali, Icca, Cathy B, Datri, and all of my readers who are keeping us in their thoughts and prayers.

Sarah, Greg and Josh, Louis, Marc and Dana, Melissa and Dave, Auntie B, Betty and Ron, Brenda, the Pipers, Susan and Jeff, Nancy and Paul, the Klaymans, Helene and Mert, Greg and Michelle, Lorraine, Dan and Lucy, Nancy W, my awesome neighbors, Susan, Ellen, Mandy F, and all of the wonderful people at my work.

Nicki J, Jenny MB, Elisa LB, Toya JF, Jodi R, Sissy and Dave, Jeff and Joy, Michael P, Annie B, Jamie and Kai, Trish S, Lisa H, Brian, Nancy W, Cindi, Holly, Paul, Wally, Dave, Vickie, Cliff, Tom, Jim and Mary Jo, Jack, Ruth, Krystal, Jackie, George, Jennifer, and Jacquie.

The Federation of Circles and Solitaries, Hercules Restaurant, Grace Episcopal Church, and the second grade teachers at Jaysen's school.

You all have made such a huge difference, words truly cannot express my gratitude.
Thank you...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

To ESY or not to ESY.

*sigh* I originally decided not to send Jaysen to ESY this summer. I just thought it's too much too soon- he doesn't want to go anyway...he's so clingy... and as usual, I start second guessing myself.

So, I undecided, then redecided, undecided, and re-redecided... anyway, he's going.
I think he needs the routine of things, the structure, and the socialization. Not to mention that his ESY teacher is supposed to be his awesomely fantastical Sp.Ed teacher from last year. Yay!

Anyway- just a quickie before bed.
Not THAT kind of quickie... pervs.

And yes, I have a computer again.
You're so lucky. Haha.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Miscellaneous ramblings.

I know people are probably getting sick of "the fire"... tough crap- deal with it.
First off- not having a computer at home really sucks.

On to my friends. I've done some "soul searching" about friends in the past-
I had friends- one could say a lot of friends.

Special needs parents know all too well, that once you have a special needs child, those "friends" seem to drop off the face of the earth.

All of the sudden, we're all too busy, their kids don't want to play with "boy toys", there just isn't time, you argue about your child (but never theirs), the phone stops ringing... Next thing you know, you used to have this friend...

I'm realizing the same kind of thing goes on in a real crisis.
I have friends. Actually more than I knew I did.
I'm actually amazed at the support of my community, my work, people who were in my life long ago, people who recently came into my life, and you all, my blog friends.

I'm also amazed at the few who are my very close friends, who seemed to have forgotten about us. I spoke to one of my closest friends the day of the fire, and haven't heard from them since. Not even a call to see how the kids are coping. Another friend heard what happened, sent me a text that they would call me that night. Still haven't heard from them, despite my reaching out.
These aren't just casual people in my life, but people I talked to on a daily basis.
It's just strange. And I don't quite know what to think of it.

The kids.
The kids are driving. me. crazy.
Constant fighting. It's like they don't know what to do without cable TV, so hey- let's try to kill each other! We can watch Mom's hair turn grey right before our eyes- it'll be like magic.

Rylan is thankfully sleeping better at night- not crying out "No! No! No!" anymore.
He talks about the firetrucks, the firemen, and the scary fire. He seems to be hitting the "terrible twos" at this very moment as well. I don't know if the two connect or not.

Jaysen has got me a little concerned. I expected a little regression- he wants me to sleep with him again, moments where he spaces out, a lot more talking to himself, has to be up my ass 99% of the time. But he also seems to have regressed in language as well. Yesterday, he wanted some cereal. He was able to ask me for the cereal, but couldn't recall what to put it in. I watched as he asked me what it was called, this thing, as he cupped his hands and mimed eating from a bowl. He just couldn't say "bowl". It's happened on several occasions, where he forgets a word that is very familiar with. And like I said, he's spacing out a lot more too.

I've tried talking with him, about the fire, and how he feels- I've gotten some thoughts out of him, but mostly I'm trying to reassure him that he's safe, and things are going to be okay.

The landlord.
Actually, the landlord's father.
This guy is really nice. He wants to invite us over for dinner?
He's a landscaper, so he set our sprinkler system to turn on every other day (water prices just jacked up in my city). He insists on mowing the lawn (at $30 a pop) every week. He comes over every day to check on the landscaping. He landscaped on Friday for 8 hours! He watered the lawn yesterday (even though it was an "off" day). Twice. And it rained! Jaysen calls him Bill, even though we don't know his name (but it's not Bill).
"Bill" is obsessed. He needs help.
He also doesn't speak much English, so I don't know how to ask him to chill out.

Could someone tell me how to say in Korean, "Dude... seriously? You have lawn-obsession. I love the cute orbs you shape the bushes into, but is it really worth the 7 hours you put into it? You do this every week? For reals- please chill. It's kinda freaky looking out the window as I'm doing dishes, and see you out there. Again. For the third time in a day. I'm sure you rock as a landscaper, but I'm trying to get my family back together here. They may think of you as a grandpa if you hang around this much. My oldest son has already named you. Also? Lawn does not need to be watered that much. Please stop coming over to water it. That's why you set the timer on the sprinkler system. I know you only live a street away, and we think you're very nice and cute in your little cowboy hat and gaudy sunglasses, but in the words of EPMD, you gots to chill..." that would be awesome.