Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Scripting. It's not just for amateurs.

Echolalia: Immediate or delayed repeating back of words or phrases.
Scripting: Using chunks of language, usually from a movie, TV, commercial, previous conversation, etc. Can at times, result in interesting conversation and major hilarity.

Ahh... scripting.
Jaysen scripts.
He scripts with the best of 'em.

Matter of fact, his goals were sent home with his report card, and his Speech teacher had this to say about my son:

"...Jaysen has made great progress in the areas of language development, although he still tends to respond with dialogue that he has heard from movies, videos, or commercials. It sounds very creative until one realizes that the responses have been totally scripted."

Now, I may be in the minority here, but I've never tried to stop Jaysen from scripting. My theory is that he is communicating, and the scripts are usually relative, so really? Communication is communication. I mean, it's not like someone asks him when his birthday is, and he answers "pork chops and applesauce".

I have a new love for scripting.
I know Jaysen relies on scripts to communicate. But something magical happened over the weekend.

Jaysen had a playdate (Yay! I know!) with a kid in his class.
Apparently, the two of them get along extremely well, and are true friends.
They never judge each other, and don't even notice the other's quirks.
It's two friends, just having fun together.
This kid also happens to have expressive/receptive language disorder.
What blew my mind was, this was the first time I'd ever seen scripting used for social interaction.

Jaysen asked his friend if he'd "like to play Green Eggs and Ham".
WTF is my kid being so weird for? How do you play Green Eggs and Ham?
What the crap is he talking about?

The video is fuzzy (kids were too fast for my phone-cam), but it's the audio that's important here.

Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit.
You really can play Green Eggs and Ham.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmahanukwanzikka!

Happy Holidays

from my family

to yours.

I was really hoping to be able to post a gorgeous picture of my darling children in front of our tree. Then I realized I was probably temporarily insane.


Monday, December 21, 2009

Happy Yule 2009

Wishing you the brightest blessings this Yule

Love, The Quirk Family

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


No... it's not another diagnosis. It's Jaysen's report card.
Whatever happened to letters that actually meant something, or that crazy alpha-numeric system where A+1J was followed by the canned comment "a pleasure to have in class"?

The report card itself is bittersweet.
P+ = Proficient in meeting grade level expectations with excellent quality and consistency.
P = Proficient in meeting grade level expectations. Expected grade level performance.
D = Developing toward grade level expectations.
N = Not demonstrating expected progress.
M = Modified curriculum. Student's curriculum is adjusted to meet his needs.

We got a few P's:
Compares and orders numbers.
Comprehends grade level narrative text. - ORLY? Cuz I thought he had receptive language issues, but what do I really know.
Handwriting skills. - apparently my son prefers cursive to print. Who knew?!?
Reads, makes, and interprets graphs.

A lot of D's:
Solves problems using information in graphs.
Applies appropriate problem solving strategies.
Works cooperatively and contributes to group activities.
Uses strategies to comprehend narrative and informational text.

A good number of N's:
Reads aloud with grade level accuracy and fluency.
Demonstrates stamina as a writer. - How do you measure someone's stamina???
Ideas and concepts.
Mental calculations in math. - Sorry... can't help ya there, kiddo.

And some M's:
All of Science
All of Social Studies

The Behaviors and Attitudes section was all "S's", which means he has a positive attitude and work ethic Some of the time, with one area of Concern- accepting responsibility for actions. Yep. I concur.

As a whole, I'm pretty pleased with the results- mainly because I do feel it's accurate for the most part. But you know the part that freaks me out. Yes you do. It's the M's.

Modified Curriculum.

As a parent, you need to know what that means.
And if education is as important to you, as it is to me, it kinda crushes you.
Just a little.
And by little, I mean little like Godzilla.

But honestly, I am okay with it. If my kid needs a modified curriculum, then that's what he should have. I know this. It's not the end of the world.
It's not the end of anything really, it was just a blow to see it in writing, all big and black in boldface, looming on the stark white paper. Looming I tell ya.
It may have jumped out at me and smacked me in the face, but I can't be sure because I was momentarily stunned.

It's not that I feel grief either, which was my first thought- why am I reacting like this?
I think I figured it out that in my crazy little mind... I don't want the school to give up on him.
That's not to say that I think they are, but for a moment, I had flashbacks of the crappy school that did give up on him, and maybe saw this as potentially the beginning of the end.

But I do trust this school. And I do trust his teachers. I really do think they have his best interest at heart, and they genuinely do not only like, but appreciate him. I can see how their eyes light up when they tell me about his antics, and that is huge.

So. About the M's.
I'm okay with them.
I think.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Happy Birthday Rylan!

Happy birthday, Superfly!
I can't believe you're 3!

It seems like just yesterday, when they carted you off to the NICU. I had never been so scared in my life.

Jaysen was so excited to be a big brother!

You soon were known as the little cabbage-patch kid, all pudgy with that crazy hair.

You are amazing.
You have so much spunk and individuality, it baffles me that you're just a munchkin. You are way beyond your years.
All three of them.

Although it freaks me out at times, I also love that you have no fear.

Happy, happy birthday, Rylan.
You are so loved.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I'm too sexy for this blog.

Eons ago, Ms. Corrie at Just Because My Pickle Talks Doesn't Make Me An Idiot, bestowed onto me, a super sexy award.

So sexy, it's sexxxy.

And I'd like to think that I do give good blog-
Because it's the other things I don't do very well.

I'm also sorry (sort of but not really), that I don't ever follow the rules of these things.
So in honor of giving good blog,
I would like to treat you all with a sexxxy video.

Anyone who can maintain composure through this video, is sexxxy enough to grab this award and call it your very own.

Enjoy, you sexxxy things.

*Please note* I do not know these people, but totally wish I did.

Monday, December 7, 2009

How To Gross Your Mom Out In 4 Easy Steps

Step 1:
Rummage through the fridge and try to look innocent, when you expression totally says you're clearly up to something.

Step 2:
Concoct your evil plan and mix really well.
Divert Mom's attention by feigning bravery while facing not only tactile aversions, but also the barrage on your olfactory system.

Step 3: Voila! Laugh maniacally as it is confirmed you have officially reached Barf-o-Rama status.

Step 4: Try to get her to taste it.

**I don't know why it's doing that weird chipmunk fast-forward thing, but apparently I'm having some technical difficulties. Turn the volume off- you can still see the sheer joy in his face as he terrorizes me. If anyone knows how to remedy this, please let me know!**

Thursday, December 3, 2009

A guest post

Jaysen wanted me to share this with all of you.
He absolutely cannot stop watching it, and laughs hysterically every time.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009



Quit cheesin' and get back to your swim class.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A little mazel for the tov.

I'd been wanting to post on a bunch of stuff, but time is just so limited around here.

Jaysen had a playdate!

And he totally didn't even initiate it! This kid called me! And said he wanted to come over! To play with Jaysen! I know! Jaysen! The kid who never gets invited over to play, or to birthday parties, or really anything else. And yes- I bawled like a baby.

It was really awesome.
And now I also know where he gets the phrase "suck my butt" from.
I am absolved, once again.

Another piece of The Awesome?

I have a mentor coming over once a week.
He's from the center Jaysen goes for do-it-yourself OT.
His name is Avi.
He's the shiz.

The last mentor I tried to have, Jaysen did not like. He kept writing her notes like "Megen, go home". I felt bad because this girl was super sweet, and had the fortitude of a Jehova's Witness. I don't know if he just wasn't ready, or what, but it's working now.

And Avi's favorite color is orange. Just like Jaysen's.
I know! Lurve.
So Avi comes over once a week for an hour, and pretty much follows my kid around, doing whatever it is Jaysen wants to do. Someone to play Mario with? Heaven.
And Jaysen really seems to enjoy Avi's company.
Once they get used to each other, Avi's role will (hopefully) be more to guide Jaysen in learning how to cope with daily stresses, like homework or losing your "guy" to a pesky piranha plant.

But for now? It's all good.

And? And?? And???
Ever since Momzilla took on the transportation department, and Jaysen's been getting to school on time- there has not been one "incident" with physical aggression. Not one!

I'm tired.

A song just for you

Ever have a song stuck in your head?
Of course you have.
I'm just spreading the joy.

I'd post a video or mp3, but I'm technologically disadvantaged, so just play the song in your head. Or sing it to the tune of Happy Birthday. Or something.

It's by the Cure, 'cuz I've been in a The Cure kind of mood lately. Hint, hint if anyone has the urge to make some CD's and send 'em my way. *big cheesy smile*


He waits for her to understand
But she won't understand at all.
She waits all night for him to call
But he won't call anymore.
He waits to hear her say
But she just drops her pearl black eyes-
And prays to hear him say
"I love you"
But he tells no more lies.

He waits for her to sympathize
But she won't sympathize at all.
She waits all night to feel his kiss
But always wakes alone.
He waits to hear her say
But she just hangs her head in pain-
And prays to hear him say
"No more, I'll never leave again"

How did we get this far apart?
We used to be so close together.
How did we get this far apart?
I thought this love would last forever.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Freedom of Religion

I have spoken in the past, about our motley crew when it comes to religious/spiritual views here at the Casa de Quirk. Or have I? I don't know. I really don't remember. However, while decorating our tree this afternoon...

Jaysen: Mommy? Are you Christian?
Me: No... are you?
Jaysen: Yes.
Me: (erp?)
Jaysen: Do you celebrate Christmas?
Me: Um, yeah... kind of...
Jaysen: If you celebrate Christmas, then you're Christian.
Companion: Are Moppi and Peepa Christian?
Jaysen: No, they don't celebrate Christmas. They're Jewish.
Me: .................
Companion: Well, we celebrate the feeling of Christmas. People being nice to each other.
Me: Yeah (omg, nice save!), It's called the holiday spirit.
Me: Do you know who is Christian? Gramma. She can probably answer any questions you may have. See, Christians believe in Jesus Christ. Do you know who Jesus is?
Jaysen: Mom. I'm playing Sonic.
Me: *whew*

And today?
Today is the day that I found out my son is apparently Christian.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Do NOT overreact.

Because Jaysen does NOT appreciate a huge "deal" being made over, well, pretty much anything. He is not one to accept your typical positive reinforcement- instead preferring just a simple "good job", or a thumbs up.

Perhaps it's the strange ways one's face contorts itself in the process of showing extreme excitement? The natural rise in pitch of the voice? Or perhaps, and more probably, you just look like a flippin' idiot? I really don't know.

But! And I say this as excitedly-calmingly-monotone as possible...
Jaysen is wiping his own butt.

Jaysen is wiping his own butt!!!!

My kid, complete with sensory issues, who is deathly afraid of getting poop on his fingers- is using wipes, and actually wiping his own butt! And? He's doing a good job! And? He totally won't even let me help anymore. Whoo hoo!!!

Crizzap. Sorry, J.
But seriously, after 8 years of being the designated booty-wiper, I am just SO proud of you!

I mean, yay.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Big brothers are the best.

Since I don't actually have a big brother, I just have to assume that big brothers are the best, from watching my own heathens.
However, I am a big sister, and also am the best- so it totally must be true.

Case in point:
Me: C'mon Rylan, take your medicine.
Ry: No fankyu. I don' like medicine.
Me: I know, but it will help you feel better.
Ry: I said NO! I do not love medicine!
Me: Ry... here ya go. *big cheesy encouraging smile* Drink it up!
Ry: I DO NOT love medicine!
Me: ...I'll give you a Tootsie Roll?
Me: *No Tootsie Roll? Shit, now what do I do???*

Me: Jaysen! Come here and see if you can get your brother to take this medicine.

Jaysen: Here Rylan, take your medicine...
Ry: Okay. *takes medicine*


Although last night, Jaysen goaded Rylan into taking his medicine by first making the med cup into a puppet and saying "Hi Rylan! I want to be in your body!" and when that didn't work, resorted to, "If you don't take your medicine, a big scary monster will come and eat you".


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

'Cuz life keeps getting awesome-er. er. er. er. er.

I am going completely batshit insane.
The temporary housing agency called this afternoon, to give me my move out date.
Yeah. Any guesses?
December 31st.

Well Happy Holidays and get.the.hell.out.

For those of you new to my blog, my house burned down in June, and we've been living in a temporary house until mine can be rebuilt. My house hasn't even been demolished yet, let alone starting a rebuild.


So... it's contest time!
All you have to do is leave a comment, and I will pick a lucky winner.
The winner gets...my family!
Yes! We will move in and take over your very own house.
We don't eat much. Well, Rylan and I do, but Jaysen totally balances that out with all of his (non)eating issues.
C'mon... it'll be fun! We can have pillow fights, and I can use up all your hot water with my uber long and insanely hot showers.
See? Fun!

Damn you Murphy. Damn you to Hell-o Kitty.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

What is it with the damn bus?

Yes... we're having issues with the bus again.
Ugh. The bussssss.
What is it with fricken busses?

When school started, I was so geeked that Jaysen had the same bus driver from last year. I'll call him Cleatus, because well, he just looks like a Cleatus to me. Sure he was a little rough around the edges and interacted totally inappropriately with my child- but once I talked with him, he was a gem. An old, crotchety, softhearted gem. And he became awesome with my son.

Two weeks into school, they changed his driver.
The transportation department said I would love the new driver. She's been driving Sp.Ed kids for 17 years, and loves the kids like they were her own. I protested, and said I wanted Cleatus. The transportation lady was silent for a minute, then managed to stumble out "You...like Cleatus? Really?" Yes. Really.

Let's just say that Jaysen's been through no less than five bus drivers so far.
Not only has he been through five drivers- nobody can manage to get him to school on time. School starts at 8:13 (8:13? Yes. I know.). Jaysen is the first pick up on the stop. The bus is supposed to be here between 7:35 and 7:45.

On days the bus does come, I have to listen to his latest driver bitch about the wheelchair she has to tie down on her prior stop at the high school, and how things are only going to get worse in the winter. This route is impossible, according to her. Funny- Cleatus did it.

Jaysen's teacher is aware of the tardiness of the bus, and has contacted the transportation department. I have contacted the transportation department. Bus driver changes, but he's still late.

Lateness is unacceptable to Jaysen. If he can't start his day with the rest of his class, it has the potential to blow his whole day. Seriously. His whole day.

I had to drive him today. Again.
When we walked into the school, the students were singing the school song. Jaysen said "oh no!" and bolted faster than a jackrabbit craps a stick of butter. I followed him around the corner and almost ran into his Sp.Ed teacher. She gave me that knowing look and told me it was okay- that he made it. He had ran to his classroom so he could say the pledge with his classmates. That is the official starting point of the day, apparently.

Anyway- I contacted the Director of Sp.Ed again, to let her know the transportation issue was still not resolved. Blah, blah, blah...

Y'know what got their attention?
I researched that according to their policies and procedures (thank you online school information), it states that in certain circumstances, arrangements with the parent may be made for transportation reimbursement. So, I informed them that should this continue, by next week, I will transport my son myself, and seek mileage reimbursement.

He had a new route in 2 hours.
Not just a new driver, but a new route.

2009 - District:0 Momzilla:1

Thursday, November 5, 2009

True love...again.

My kids were not invited to my sister's wedding.
What?!? You didn't know my sister got married?
Hmm... must've forgot to mention it.


We have 2 parties this weekend for the newlydreads, and I had to prepare Jaysen.
I knew he was going to have difficulty understanding that yes, Sissy is now married, and sorry, but nobody told you.

"Who is Sissy marry?"
"She married DB."

"Mommy... who did you married?"
"I married... your Dad."
"My Dad? My Daddy?
*shiver* "Yes, your daddy."

"Mommy... why did you married Daddy?"
*oh.my.buddha.on.a.half.shell- choke back the bile, choke back the bile.*
"Well, I married your Daddy because..*holycrap I really think I'm gonna barf*..we were in love."

"I'm going to get married."
"Yeah? Maybe one day you will..."
"No, I'm going to married Marissa."
"Marissa from your class?"
"Yep. We're falling in love."
"Uhh... Does Marissa know that?"
"We are in loooooooooove!"

And then he began to practice how he was going to ask Marissa to marry him.
Hope she knows how to make mac-n-cheese.

10 inches!

NOT what I am talking about, you pervy little pervertons...
Better late than never, but I gots me a spiffy new haircut.
And yes, I really did get ten inches lopped off.

Midlife crisis? Diversionary tactic? Crazy? I dunno. You decide.

Pardon the phone, but seriously how else so you take a pic of your own hair?

The back looks kind of funky in this one- was not happy...

I conned Jaysen into taking that one.
Not too shabby for a kid who'd rather be playing Mario.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloweenies 2009

I love Hallowe'en. It's my absolutely favoritest holiday of the year. Every year, I look forward to the possibility that Jaysen has gotten over his costuming phobia - costumes are cool, as long as there's nothing on his face, and as long as Mom doesn't dress up. See here.

But this year, seemed different.

This was the first year my sensory-evasive son, conquered his issues and actually touched the pumpkin guts.
Not only did he touch them, he actually got in there and dug around in the pumpkin!
Granted, he only used one hand, but still- he was covered in pumpkin yuck, fingers to elbow, and was having a blast!


Enter the Hallowe'en wrecker...

...that would be the one on the left.

Costuming was no big issue this year, since he wanted to be Luigi.
Luigi without the signature mustache.
Okay, whatever. He was still really cute, and very excited.

We had a Mario costume for Rylan, which he was geeked about as well. When it came down to it though, he wanted to be Thomas the Train.
Thomas? Seriously?
But it's not about me, so he was Thomas.

Cutest Thomas evar!

Time for Trick-or-Treating.

Last year, my kids were all about it.
It took Rylan one house to figure out "I say Trick-or-Treat, and get candy?!? I totally got this one!"

This year?

Rylan chanted "I not go Trick-or-Treat!" as we started to walk the neighborhood, and sat at the end of each driveway, crying. Would not go up to the houses.
He Trick-or-Treated at a total of two houses- mine, and my parent's.

Jaysen wasn't much better. He Trick-or-Treated at a total of five houses. He was really selective on which houses he went up to. Not for any particular reason, just saying "That's okay, we'll go to a different one."

They were done in under 30 min.

Jaysen did get a kick out of passing out candy to other Trick-or-Treaters once back at the house. He was dishing out huge handfuls, and thought it was funny that the recipients would say "WOW!" when he filled their bags.


You've got to see my dismay by now... I have no candy to pilfer!
C'mon! It's a mom's job to pilfer all the good stuff out of the kid's take-home stash!

Seriously, there's nothing to loot.
And I'm so bummed. Not one chocolate bar of any kind.

So, dear Jaysen, I'm thrilled you had a fun Hallowe'en-
But once again, you totally wrecked it for your mom.
Next year, you stay home and pass out candy. I'll go Trick-or-Treating.
I'll school ya on how it's done.

Because this?!? Is pathetic.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

One mom.

Going back to Jaysen's birthday party, I am amazed at how many parents just drop their kids off and run like Forrest Gump. I know I may be a tad overprotective, but even if Jaysen didn't have the issues he has, I don't know how comfortable I'd feel just dropping him off at someone's house whom I've never met. And I'm usually the only mom at other birthday parties.

Aside from my friends, one mom stayed.
One mom.

Kids were having a blast, the mom and I strike up a little chat.
Then the magic words came.
"My son has expressive receptive language disorder."

That's why you stayed.

Needless to say, we bonded.
We watched how each other interacted with our children, and frequently gave each other that knowing look. We talked about school, the pace of the classroom, the supports in place, and our children's strengths and weaknesses. We talked about getting the boys together for friendship and pragmatics.

I explained Jaysen's affinity for VHS tapes and DVD's.
She told me about her son's love for the color red.

We understood each other.

As they were leaving, I noticed her son becoming a little anxious.
He was frantically looking through the leftover treat bags.
She was telling him there weren't anymore with suckers in them.
Still, he searched, and I could see on her face, that she was making that decision.

The one where you have to plan your escape because you know your child is going to flippin freak out. The one where you run through every scenario in your head, desperately trying to figure out which one will preserve even a shred of dignity. The one where you wonder if you'll ever be invited back to another birthday party ever again.

I beeline to my candy stash, and present the boy with a sucker.
A red sucker.
He smiles at me.
And with a look of utter relief, so does his mom.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Bad mom

Oh crappity crappiness...
I effed up.
Big time.

Just last week, I was the best mom in America. This week, I suck.
How did that happen?!?

Today was picture day, and I flippin' totally forgot.

Sent Jaysen to school in a T-shirt, and even thought "wow- his hair is so messed up, I'm going to see if I can talk him into wearing this hat".

And obviously, forgot to send any money.

Don't even talk to me about re-takes. It says in huge red lettering: Important! Payment options must be completed on or before Picture Day.

They even capitalized Picture Day.
'Cuz it's that important, yo.

My kid will be forever remembered as the kid in third grade with messy hair and a wrinkly-arse T-shirt. Who didn't pass out any pics because his mom is a freakin' lew-hew-zer.

So. What's your Bad Mom story?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Best party ever.

I? Am the best mom ever.
At least I feel that way after pulling this party off...

Jaysen's birthday party was an absolute smash!

Let's see...
There were 15 kids, (12 girls, 3 boys. I know...pimp.) and everyone had such a blast.
Nelson, "The Safari Guy" was amazing. Not to mention is caa-uuuute!

He started out hiding crystals and shiny rocks in the backyard, and had the "adventurers" try to find 'em. That was really cool to see the kids working together to find these itty-bitty treasures hidden in the grass and foliage. Then we went inside for a totally interactive animal adventure.

There was a ginormous tortoise that the kids got feed an apple.

An owl, which was so cool- it danced to music.
Danced way better than me.

Jaysen got to open up an armadillo...


And what's up in the backpack, yo?

It's a wallaby!

Yes. I had a flippin 'roo in my haus. I am that cool.

Seriously- you gotta love parties that run themselves...
Most importantly though, everyone had such a good time.
Kids were yammering to their parents at pick up time, and parents were grabbing brochures like they were bon-bons.

Kay. I'm tired now.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Eight is great!

Happy 8th Birthday Jaysen!
You are so awesome, you rockstar!
I hope you have a superfantabulous day, sweetheart.
I love you bigger than the universe.
Love, Mom.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

You've got to be effing kidding me.

Disclaimer: Please do not read if you are easily offended by profanity.
Come back tomorrow for a regularly scheduled post.

What the fuck.
I am so pissed off right now. I need to vent, and what better place to do that, than my very own blog. Check this shit out.

I received notice from my fuckard Ex, that he and his waif-ho girlfriend scheduled their motherfucking C-section for tomorrow. Why does that have my panties in a bunch, you ask?

It's Jaysen's birthday.

Why would he do that?
The fucker hardly ever comes around as it is, so what- you need a fucking excuse not to see your son on his birthday? Fucking asshole shitfucker.
Oh right... "It's awesome! I have four kids, and only have to remember two birthdays!" (He also has twins)

Gee, you fucking fuckerton, maybe if you hadn't fried your goddamn brain on so many fucking drugs, you'd fucking "get it". Fucking addict. Oh snap, I forgot. Recovering addict. Whatever, shithead. 'Cuz being an alcoholic is totally different.


I'm thinking somebody should probably punch me in the face or something, because I'm really starting to think that I actually died in the fire, and I am in Hell. Except I can't find my cat, which come to think of it, would be fitting if I were in Hell.

Can anything else happen this year?
I don't know how much more one person can fucking handle. And I am about to blow.
I cannot believe he is such a fucking dickface.
I mean, he's a dickface, but this? Way beyond his realm of crapshittiness.
This is a whole new level of shitty. It's the uber-shit.

I want to rip the motherfucker's eyeballs out and jumprope with his optic nerves.

I am so pissed.
Seriously? You had to do this on his birthday?
You are the world's biggest asshole.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


My once-hyperlexic child is now functionally illiterate.
I'm totally serious.
How does this happen? Does this happen?

Jaysen has been slowly declining in his reading and writing skills.
He brought home his latest spelling test... 47%
My eyeballs popped out of my head and then I was shocked back to life by the bolt of lightning that shot out from the sky.

What the bloody hell, people? 47%
For those of you that know me IRL, you know that this is totally unacceptable.
I love languages.
I am the freakin' word Guru.
My boss comes to me for spelling and grammar checks. I have a friggin dictionary with my name embossed with gold leaf on it from winning a spelling bee. I have trophies, biatches!

I make up words, because I like to play with words. They're like a big bowl of play-doh for me.
My son cannot spell.
And it's driving me nuts, because he used to be an amazing speller, reader, and writer.
When he was 2.

Oh? It's a kid-thing you say? A phase perhaps?
Okay. Lemme give you an example.

It took me a couple times of reading it (and multiple deep breaths into a paper bag) to realize it apparently, is the progressive spelling for "eye".
I know. WTF? Iye? Seriously?
That is not phonetic spelling, so don't even go there with me.
He made some typical kid-errors like "wich" for "which", and so forth. But the doozies he came up with are flooring me.
Not to mention the 47%.

Oh. And he can't spell the word "nice", but can spell "fuck" perfectly.
Which is all kinds of excellent because that "ck" is tricky, dontcha know?

I am shriveling up from the inside out.

Friday, October 9, 2009

When life gives you lemons... stick 'em in your eyes.

The adventure continues.

I stopped the Metformin (glucophage), and Jaysen's behavior improved for 3 days. He's now back to the evilness. I called the psych and reported that the Metformin just isn't working for him, and she prescribed Topamax.

So I started researching.

And I didn't like what I was finding.

Realizing that the internet can be a scary place when you're looking up medical conditions and medications- I only have a headache, do you really think it's a brain aneurysm??? I decided to confer with my friendly neighborhood pharmacist.

She basically confirmed everything I had read.

Topamax is often called "Stupidmax" or "Dopamax", due to its tendency to impair cognitive function. It not only makes you reeeeally sleepy, but many people report lessened cognitive awareness, and even jamais vu, which let me tell you peeps, is some scary shiz.

WTF? Seriously? I'm supposed to give my kid a med that would not only zombify him, but make him not remember family members or everyday tasks? I don't think so.


The pharmacist did say there is a not-very-well known liquid form of Metformin, and I should totally ask his psych about it, because that's what he really should be on. So I did. And she agreed. I pick it up today, so I don't yet know if we will be experiencing the butt-splosions again or not.

Wish us luck.

In other news, I received an awesome award from Shea's Mom, whose blog is not only full of teh awesome, but her son is just adorable and I want to squeeze him- which he'd probably hate. And I wouldn't care because he's that cute. Seriously.

So here it is... The Lemonade Stand award!

Apparently, Shea's Mom thinks I make the best out of craptastic situations- Which is cool because it's proof that my "game face" rawks.

Thank you Shea's Mom!

Now...I am supposed to send this award to 10 people, but in true fashion of The Quirk Factor here, I am going to have to decline on this one.
The truth is, I just can't handle it right now.
There is far too much crapola going on right now, that I can barely think straight.
I guess that makes me unworthy of the award, but too late, it's already miiiine!

So I'm going to pass the award along as a free for all- I do think all of you are deserving, so here it is if you would like it!

I have lemons.
This time I'm not making lemonade, I'm just gonna stick 'em in my eyes.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Hulk, Oscar the Grouch, and Jaysen...

Been awhile... anyone still there?

To say the least, it's been a rough few weeks. And by rough, I mean holyfuckcrap what the hell is going on with my kid?!?

The aggression? Oh, it's back. It's Back In Black, baby.
Jaysen's physical targeting has returned, as well as some awesome new verbal aggressions such as these lovelies:

"I hate you." A classic staple.

"How would you like to shake hands...with a knife?" A creative spin- points for originality.

and the ever-alarming "I hope you get into a car accident and die."

I have been a total basket case.
Yes, more than usual...
We've ventured into the land of aggression and agitation before, so the actual reappearance wasn't all that eye popping. That being said, the difference is that usually I know why his aggression is coming out. I may not be able to justify or condone the behavior, but at least I understand why, in his little mind, he is doing it. Not so this time.

Jaysen can be sweet as pie one minute, and turn into a flesh eating, rabid, Valkyrie the next. He's mean to everyone. He's been pulled out of the Gen.Ed class at school, and placed in the Resource Room 100% again. He's been "physically managed" again. Oh gawd, if you remember that great debacle.

Punishment- does not work. At least not for more than a day.

I've tried to track everything from time of day to what color his shirt is, trying to find some kind of correlation- but there just isn't one. At least not that I can put together. The only thing that's changed was his new med.

When we were at the psychiatrist, I remember reporting that he still gets agitated and his frustration is high, but I don't remember reporting any increased aggression. So, I pulled him off of the glucophage.

I'm not saying the glucophage made him a monster, but it did do nasty things to his insides, and maybe constant stomach aches is a reason for the aggression. I don't know.

I'm feeling like I'm at the point where I really am going to lose it.
Support? Minimal.
Stress? I have so much I could use it to stuff my bra.
Y'know, if my boobs weren't large and in charge already.
I'm tired. And sad. And concerned.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Only my son...

Jaysen: Ya know what I really, really, r-r-r-r-r-r-really want for maybe my birfday?
Me: Hmm...what?
Jaysen: A lapchop computer.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Imagine this conversation a few mornings ago.

Me: Good morning sweetie, did you sleep good?
Jaysen: No. I have a bad dream.
Me: Really? Do you remember what it was about?
Jaysen: Yeah... I have a nightmare... about The Backyardigans.
Me: Uh... The Backyardigans?
Jaysen: Yes. The Backyardigans.

Seriously folks?
My kid just lost his Rockstar status.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Crap. No pun intended.

Jaysen had his med review with the psychiatrist last week.
I've been trippin' balls since.

He's gained a lot of weight from the Risperdal, but has really packed on the poundage the last couple months. To the point that people that are close to him, are starting to say some not-so-nice things about him.

His psych noticed too.
When he first went on the Risperdal, she explained the weight gain, and the risk of developing diabetes due to the weight gain.

Now Jaysen's on another med to help his body produce the insulin that the Risperdal is inhibiting. I know nothing of this med, other than it's called Glucophage, and it gives the unlucky ingester horrible diarrhea. And when I say horrible diarrhea, I mean liquid shooting out of your ass, spraying the back of the toilet every 20 minutes. Yeah, that bad. And I'm only giving him half of the prescribed dose.

Getting him to take it is another horror story, as he's just found me out. It only comes in pill form, and these are huge muthahumpin pills, peeps- so I've been crushing it and putting it in his juice. The crushed pill has to further be dissolved in hot water, leaving the result a very milky white liquid. Not easy to cover up in thin juices, so I've been using Sunny D. That shit'll mask anything.

Not anymore. I may have lost Sunny D to my neophobe. Dammit.
I tried to pawn it off that the dishwasher must not have rinsed the soap out of the glass, but he wasn't buying it. Smart kid.

So- I'm freaking out yet again.
I think I spend more time freaking out than not, so I'm not going to fight it and just hope that dark circles and perma-bags under the eyes come into style soon.
I don't know what to do.

Should I keep torturing the poor child with the firey ass explosions?
Should I take him off of it and severely limit his dietary intake? I mean the kid barely eats outside of his "safe foods" as it is.
Should I take him off the Risperdal and just deal with the Tasmanian Devil-Child?
Should I try a totally different med and play the chill my kid out, but don't make him a zombie game?

Has anyone had any experience with Glucophage and the exploding asshole of doom?
Does it stop? Ever?

This sucks.
I am dying inside with worry about my son's insulin and glucose levels.
Is this the time to freak out? Because I am really not in a very good place right now.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Day one - success!

I am so proud of you all.
You kept my secret!

First day of school was an overall success.
Jaysen woke up at 6am, right on schedule. We still have issues with him venturing to my bed when he wakes up in the middle of the night, so that's where he was. I said, "Good morning... time to get up!" But not too cheery, 'cuz that's just asking for a meltdown.

He promptly returned to his own bed and informed me, "No thanks, I'm still just a bit sleepy." That's a helluva script right there, peoples.

So I did what any quick thinking mom would do-
Ran downstairs, put in Jaysen's favorite song, and blasted the stereo.
And who wouldn't enjoy waking up to "Numa-Numa"?
My neighbors love me.

Just as I hoped for, Jaysen flew downstairs.
So we jumped around and danced for a bit.
He went upstairs and got dressed- not in the clothes I laid out the previous night, but he got dressed himself!

He ate a little breakfast, and went outside to wait for the bus.
At 6:30am.
The bus isn't scheduled until 7:52.

The flippin bus never showed, so I drove him to school.
Called Transportation to see what the heck happened. They don't have him on the bus route.
Well you better put him on it, and make sure he has a ride home this afternoon!
And they did.
Happy faces glistened in the sunlight, unicorns danced circles around a maypole, and life was good.

After school, Jaysen told me he had a "great" day.
And the data-sheet (must be said in a robot voice) sent home proved he was right! He told me about seeing his friends again, and how he gave Bella a hug and a kiss. Oy.

Whew. It's over.
First Day of school was awesome.
Way to go, buddy.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Twas the night before school...

Please note that the subtitle to this post should be "Why I need to replace my digital camera".

I don't want to jinx anything, so I'm going to whisper.
Lean in reeeeally close.
Can you still hear me?
School starts tomorrow!
*gasp* Shhhhhhhhh!
Was that a wee bit of excitement in my voice?
It's been so long, I'm not sure if I would recognize it anymore.
Kay. Now pretend like I never said anything. Back to this blog's regular post.

Jaysen has been bouncing off the walls for the last four days. Not that I've been counting.
The kid is acting like he had a case of Red Bull. I mean, flippin' BERZERKER.
Maybe it has something to do with school starting, maybe it has to do with Mercury being in retrograde. I really don't know. What I do know, is my son has never had a "night before school" where he hasn't had a meltdown of epic proportions, refusing to go. 'Tis not the case tonight.

I put him to bed an hour ago, and he's been out of bed twice already.
The first time was understandable- I was sharpening pencils.
His teacher requests each kid brings 4 dozen pencils- sharpened. 4 dozen pencils? Seriously? Who does she think is going to sharpen all these pencils? I can tell you it's not the kid. At least not my kid.

So why would Jaysen come downstairs, just to watch me sharpen pencils?
It may have been because the only pencil sharpener I have is shaped like a cat- that you stick a pencil into its butt, and it meows as you're sharpening. Yes, for real.
And it's loud.

Bring on the school year.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Rock and roll is dead.

So, I was going to take Jaysen to see Joan Jett tonight.
He didn't want to go.
How could you not want to go?
No matter how appealing I made it to him, all I got was "No fank you. We can stay in home."
Ugh. Just what I wanted. A night of laundry and washing dishes.

I am starting to think this is not my child.

Once again, my offspring sucks the fun right outta my night, faster than you can suck down an icy soda with a McDonald's straw. You ever notice how big those flippin' straws are? It's freakish. It's all good though. He totally owes me Hallowe'en this year. Bwahahaha...

'Til we meet again, Joan-

I love rock n' roll.

...And tonight, I'm going to see if Jaysen does too.
I'm taking my Baby Einstein music/Mario sound effect loving son to see Joan Jett!

I know! I'm tweakin' because this could be really cool, or it could go down in flames like a kamikaze pilot headed for a barbeque. Gawd, puhleeze let him at least dig it a little! I noticed that Jaysen has been starting to venture outside of his "norm" music tastes, and has really been enjoying other music. It's still "novelty music" like the Yoshi Super Happy Song and Numa Numa, but the point is, it's not from a Baby Einstein CD. Rawk.

What's fantastically schweet about all this? Joan Jett is the first concert Jaysen ever went to. He didn't really have a choice, since he was still in utero.
He seemed to like it then- unless those kicks were holy-bald-bitch-in-black-leather, get-me the-heck-outta-here, I'm-totally-on-sensory-overload-and-can't-escape kicks... but who can say. Maybe Jenny McCarthy knows. Bwah!

And if we have to leave, so be it. It's free, and I've seen Joan a billion times.
We're likethis.
She'll totally understand.

Whaaaat? You don't know what the Yoshi Super Happy Song is?
34 seconds and you will either piss yourself laughing, or hunt me down and punch me in the face.

Maddy- this is for the boys!

Will update!

Friday, September 4, 2009

And this is karma.

I recently found out some wonderful news.
News that made made my eyes light up, and made me squeal with antici.......pation.

The aforementioned "crappy school"- may be closing its doors.
Not that Jaysen goes there anymore, but still.
This was a school that was evil. And when I say evil, I mean Satan himself wouldn't send his own kids there. Ya gotta kinda say it like this- eeeeeeeevil.

Everything from lying principals, effed up parents, multiple violations of my son's rights, and just some really top notch suckiness from all around, was at this school. Suck, I say.

I don't know many details, other than enrollment is down because parents keep pulling their kids out of there. Hah. Go figure, bitches. It wasn't my son who was the freakin' monster in that school, now was it? You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

And I got a bonus ray of sunshine in my day!
Remember Ms.GenEd from first grade? The teacher that everybody loved and was so warm and fuzzy, but treated my son like a rotting rat carcass? Yep. Her.

I was talking to a neighbor, who is/was a Ms.GenEd fluffy-bunny supporter. She told me that she had kept her daughter at the school specifically for Ms.GenEd because her reputation was so wonderful, and was planning on moving her after that year. After her daughter changed schools, she was super far behind. That's when my neighbor came to the realization that Ms.GenEd has awesome superpowers in schmoozing parents, but doesn't know her shit when it comes to actually teaching kids. It's cool that my neighbor came to this realization, because she's a great person, very talkative, and works in the school district. Bwahaha! Rock on neighbor-lady!

If this school does close?
I will put on my party dress and toast a glass of pinot grigio (I don't like champagne) as the doors lock. I'll even have someone take pictures of my grinnin' ass doing a happy dance.
Now where did I put my tiara?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

You're gonna love my nuts.

I am totally obsessed, and can't stop watching.
This is chock full of The Awesome.

It's stuck in your head now, isn't it?

Friday, August 28, 2009

Holding my breath.

It's too quiet.
And I'm starting to tweak.

Why am I freaking out?
Because (gasp) school is starting soon, and I'm not freaking out.
I know that probably makes about as much sense as butt-hairs on a tarantula, but it's effing true.

I am freaking out, because I am not freaking out.

Jaysen starts third grade soon.
Third grade!
That's big! Huge!
That's like the equivalent of a sophomore for elementary school!
Third grade is where it all really begins.
It's the start of social circles.
It's the start of real projects and assignments.
It's the start of math homework that mom may not be able to help with.
It's the start of new interests.
It's the stuff that dreams are made of.

This damn school is so wonderful, that I have no doubt they have Jaysen's best interest at heart. They make me feel comfortable that my son is in good hands. And apparently I don't like to feel comfortable. Comfortable is very un-comforting to me.

I'm holding my breath, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the phone call that informs me that the school was ransacked by pirates and there won't be any red jello this year. Or the sp.ed teacher was arrested for having sex with a giraffe. Or the gen.ed teacher won the lotto and moved to Switzerland to become an expert knife sharpener. Or the principal had gender reassignment surgery and now requires to be addressed as The Lovely Princess Mojito... Something is going to happen, because that's just how it goes!

Why can't I just relax and let the school year start like any other parent?!?!
And why wasn't xanax included on the school supply list again this year?


Friday, August 21, 2009

A pic is worth 1000 words... or evidence.

Wanted to share some pics of our vacation- now that we're home.

Jaysen showing his swimmin' skillz.

He got nervous without his vest on.

OMG... Enough with teh cute!

The Red One trying to give me a heart attack...

And we went to this supadope learning center, where there were all kinds of learning experiences to be had.

You could ride a bike and generate enough electricity to turn on a lightbulb...

And play some really cool instruments...

Or learn all about creepy-crawlies...

Although some of us were a lot braver than others.

All of that hands-on activity stuff really wears you out...

Or not...

Monday, August 17, 2009


Have I mentioned I've been coming up here since I was 6 months old?
Been staying at the same hotel too.
I love Charlevoix.

Things I don't like about this hotel-
It hasn't been remodeled or redecorated since the '70's.
The air conditioning has two settings. Cold and Colder.
The bathroom is tiled pink, with blue toilet, sink, and shower.
There is no lock on the bathroom door.
I'm 5'6", and the shower head is 5'4", so I have to crouch just to wash my hair.

Things I love about this hotel-
It hasn't been remodeled or redecorated since the '70's.
The air conditioner has two settings. Cold and Colder.
The bathroom is tiled pink, with blue toilet, sink, and shower.
There is no lock on the bathroom door.
I'm 5'6". and the shower head is 5'4", so I have to crouch just to wash my hair.

It's all about the charm.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The up side of Up North.

Although The Attitude is still possessing my son, I have to say, this vacation is not a total loss.

The highlight so far is we totally ran into Richard Golden.
What do you mean you don't know who Richard Golden is?!?
You totally know Richard Golden.
The "Sexy Specs" guy?

Heck yeah!

No, he didn't do the dance.

Not this dance either.
But it doesn't really matter, because he didn't do either one.

Another piece of awesomeness...

I was chillin on the bed thinking wow, Jaysen's been in the bathroom a really long time... when he emerged, wet, and asked me where the bucket was.

"Jaysen? Why are you wet?"

"I'm taking a baf"."

Since I didn't start a bath for him, I was slightly perplexed. "Um... where are you taking a bath?"

"Inna baftub. Where's the bucket to rinse my hair?"

I follow him into the bathroom, to find he was indeed in the process of taking a bath!

Technically, the hotel only has a stand up shower, but it's very deep. Perfect to bathe kids in, but there is no stopper. You have to take the ice bucket liner and line the drain with it to fill up the "tub". He did just that. Aside from the water being on the cold side, it was a perfectly drawn bath.

I was shocked and amazed.
And when he was done? he pulled the "stopper" out and put it back where I keep it!

This kid is thirteen kinds of awesome.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Vacation like the Go-Go's.

Day two of our fabulous vacation!

You didn't know we were going on vacation?
Oh. Guess I was so busy with everything else, I kinda forgot to mention it.

It's our annual vacatio to be-yoo-tee-ful Charlevoix!

Day one was a complete mess.
Sucked like a highschool virgin.
I figured as much because it was a really long car ride, and the transition of the first day of anything is usually hell on Jaysen.
We really went at it though.

Within the first couple of hours, Rylan managed to get hit in the head with a doorknob, fall in the parking lot, and wedge his finger between the screen and doorwall to the balcony. All of this screaming put Jaysen over the edge in sensory land, and it was meltdown city. Not to mention he had been a complete butthole all day. I can call him that- I'm his mom.

Day two.
Much better.
We went to the beach, and although the weather was gorgeous, the water was so effing cold, I would have rather eaten a guacamole covered turd.
Okay, maybe not, but I still opted to sit on the shoreline and get splashed with frigid water every time a boat went by. That way the water is just torturous since you never really get the chance to get used to it. Apparently, I'm a big fan of self-torture.

Jaysen had no issues. Jumped right in.
Rylan stayed on the shore with me. Smart kid.

Then we tortured the kids and went for lunch at this awesome grotto. I love this place, but there is only one thing Jaysen will eat- but really, you only need one thing, right? So, gourmet pizza it was. Un-gourmet'ed of course.

Swim time again- this time in the hotel pool.

Jaysen still with the attitude.
Because now he's only happy if he's getting his way.
"His way", is eating 4 bags of potato chips in one sitting, and then asking for M&M's.
"No" to the M&M's just sent him over the edge.
Now he's being evil to everyone.

I feel bad because I totally went off on him yesterday. Momzilla style.
Totally fighting the urge to do it again right effing now.
I cannot deal with the attitude...

Now if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to make my child's life hell.
I'm deciding between taking away a privilege, or making him brush his teeth for no reason.

Decisions... decisions...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Love is in the air?

"The hearts... the love... the kisses!"
"Kiss me, Bella!"

Excerpts from the book Twilight?
Straight from the mouth of my 7 year old, about a girl in his class.
Over, and over, and over.

I am so screwed.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Know what's gross?
Like really, really gross?
Grosser than a hickey from Steven Tyler?
Grosser than Ron Jeremy nekkid?
Grosser than this guy?
Grosser than Jocelyn Wildenstien?


You're driving home from work.
It's hot, despite the open window.
You're getting a little sticky.
You realize, damn- I am one funky mess!
However, you notice the lovely smell wafting from your pits, isn't your usual earthy musk.

It's then you realize that you probably forgot to wash the donated shirt you're wearing.
Other people's BO mixed in with your sweatiness.


It's kind of out of character for me to do a post like this, but I thought this was way cool.
Cool like Ice-T cool. Cool like Kool-Aid. Cool like, well... me.
You get the picture.

There are portions of the article that raise some questions for me, but whatev.
Checkit out.

College for Autistics

The Autism News
By Michael Bernick

The California State University East Bay campus in the Hayward hills is the site of an unusual experiment in higher education for people with autism. Starting in the fall quarter, college-age autistics will be encouraged to attend and build an educational community; one that draws on the autistics’ unusual academic strengths. The experiment will test the possibilities for autistics in a university setting, and more generally the possibilities for a range of students with disabilities.

Twenty years ago in California and across the nation autism was largely invisible. Today, rarely a day goes by that there is not an article regarding autism in the news media. The shelves of bookstores and libraries are filled with books on causation of autism, early intervention, parenting and even “warrior mothers” of autistics.

The state Senate has formed a Senate Select Committee on Autism and Related Disorders, the second such committee formed in the past four years. A Senate report estimates that by the year 2012 at least 70,000 autistics will be registered with the state’s Regional Center system, and the number of Californians with a condition on the autistic spectrum will number more than 350,000.

The emerging Center for College Students with Autistic Spectrum Disorders is an attempt to open wider higher education for autistics. The young adults with autism, born in California in the late 1980s and early 1990s when the number of diagnosed cases of autism grew geometrically, are now reaching college age. They and their parents are faced with life after high school. In particular, they are challenged to find alternatives to a life of dependency and Social Security payments that has been the main lot of adult autistics in California.

An estimated 70 percent of adults with autism in California are unemployed, with the majority enrolled in the Supplemental Security Income/Social Security Disability Insurance systems. Much of the growing literature on autistics focuses on their limitations and disabilities: the socially awkward behaviors, the large gaps in cognition and conceptualization, the self-stimulating behavior like spinning or rocking and self-talking.

But it is also true that many students with autism possess academic skills more advanced than many students in computation, observation and documentation. They often bring a different way of looking at the world and a singular creativity. Can these skills and insights be harnessed in ways that allow the students with autism to succeed in college and in the larger world and work world? This question is central to the experiment about to begin in Hayward. While its outcome is uncertain, we can be certain of a few of the elements needed for any success.

One key element will be the involvement of parents. At a time when public university resources are declining, the parents will need to bring a heavy investment of time and financial resources to the center. A second key element will be the ability of the students with autism to build their own network of mutual support. As longtime disability rights advocate Catherine Baird notes, students with disabilities cannot depend on the kindness of others. A critical mass of students with autism needs to exist at a university, and these students need to provide the social and academic support for each other.

A third key will be the university itself, and the evolving role of higher education in our state’s economy. The California State University system for years has done the heavy lifting in higher education, producing the teachers, nurses and technicians needed in California, as well as a range of other professionals. This initiative builds on the CSU’s role as most responsive to the state’s changing job structure and changing demographics.

Imagine Raymond Babbitt of “Rain Man” in college. Might it not be a better alternative for him, and much less expensive for society, than institutionalization or the SSI/SSDI government system? Might he even bring unusual skills that can enrich university life for others?

Michael Bernick, former director of the California Employment Development Department, is the chairman of the advisory board of the CSU East Bay autism center.

Source: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/08/03/EDPN193F67.DTL

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Droppin' el ball.


Have I mentioned The Sick has invaded the household once again?
Yeah, can't seem to get away from it.
Luckily, or unluckily, I am the final victim.


Jaysen lost another tooth yesterday- it's so funny now because he has these two big rabbit-teeth in the front where his adult teeth grew in, and two open spaces on each side of his lower middle teeth. I can't look at his smile without cracking up.

Anyway- so he lost a tooth.
We had a special "Tooth Fairy holder-thing" that was actually a ceramic fairy votive candle holder from Partylite. It was a ceramic fairy holding out her hand, and had a little glass cup for a votive or tealight candle. That's what we used to put his teeth in for the Tooth Fairy. No messing with pillows and chancing kids waking up or anything. I impress myself at times.

Since we don't have the Tooth Fairy holder-thing anymore, we put Jaysen's tooth in a fancy schmancy goblet. Surely the Tooth Fairy would like something of such beauty.

Did I mention I'm sick?

I was too tired to remind Jaysen to write a note to the Tooth Fairy, so we just put the tooth in and he went to bed. I had a lot of stuff to do for the insurance claim, so I was working until I thought I was going to pass out.

Took a shot of NyQuil, and went to bed.

You guessed it.
In the morning when Jaysen woke up- the tooth was still there.
Crappity, crap, crap.
I did the ultimate mind-fuck and told him he must have been dreaming because I just checked, and the tooth was gone. He went upstairs to check. In the goblet was a dollar bill.

The Tooth Fairy didn't leave him a note.
The Tooth Fairy always leaves him a note.
And what was with the dollar bill?
The Tooth Fairy always leaves cool stuff like a silver dollar or the gold dollar coins.
A regular dollar bill? You've got to be kidding.

So- I kinda dropped the ball on this one, big time.
He's still hurt the Tooth Fairy didn't leave him a note. He tore apart his room looking for it. I told him maybe she forgot to leave one because he forgot to write one to her, but he wasn't buying it.

But did I mention I was sick???
Lesson learned: Tooth Fairies should not drink NyQuil.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Ups and Downs

First the good:
I'm happy to report that Jaysen has settled into his ESY schedule, and things are going well. He rides the bus with a bunch of kids, one of them being very vocal. This is a big step for J, since he is usually deterred from people making sounds like that. This year, either he knows the kid from school, or he's becoming more tolerant. Either way, 'tis good.

Now the rest:
The frustration with the video games continues. Coupled with that, is the return of the self-injurious behaviors. Sunday evening, he was playing some game on the computer, and he started punching himself in the head harder than I've ever seen before. It wasn't the familiar thudding sound, but more of a cracking sound. It was violent.

I can usually gauge when these episodes are going to escalate, but this was one of the times it spiked too quickly for me to catch.

I've posted on Jaysen's self-harming before, and it's still just as heartbreaking. To watch your child hit his head, bite his arm, punch himself in the face, leave welted streaks down his cheeks from scratches... in my opinion, will never feel comfortable.

You want so badly to take away their pain- and I'm not just talking about the pain they're inflicting, but the pain that is causing the infliction- but you can't seem to figure out how.
I've been trying for years to teach different coping skills and methods. I've never disallowed him to stim. I've held tightly. I've yelled. I've ignored. I've medicated. I've spoken softly. I haven't spoken. I've protected. I've intervened. I feel like I just don't know what avenue to go down now.

It's difficult with Rylan too- he's become pretty aggressive. I don't know if it's "terrible two's" or whatnot (Jaysen was my first, so I don't really know what "typical terrible two" behavior necessarily is), but his aggression is freaking me out. He'll do something mean, and think it's funny. Not just laugh at your reaction, but look straight at yoou while he's about to do whatever evil deed it is, make eye contact, put on his "cute face", proceed to pummel whatever his intended target is, then crack up about it. The kid will even stand in time out smiling.

Like I said, I don't know if this is typical, if he's reacting to the fire, or if he's observing his brother beat the everlovin' tar out of himself, that is feeding this aggression.

The other night- we're chillin' at home, Jaysen's playing his DS at the table, Rylan's across from him drawing, and I'm in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. *Crash* And I hear the scream of a wounded child. The big one. I ran into the dining room where Jaysen is holding his head, crying so hard he can't talk. Rylan is smiling, still in his seat where I left him a few minutes prior.

A survey of the area, and I couldn't believe what happened.
The kids were just sitting there, when for no apparent reason, Rylan picked up his glass and chucked it at Jaysen's head. The glass shattered on impact, right above Jaysen's eye. Oh.my.freakin.buddha.biscuits.
Nice goose egg forming, but no cuts or glass shards in eyes. Thank Manischewitz.

I was irate.
Rylan then proceeded to cut his hand on the broken glass as I was trying to pick up the shards and tend to Jaysen, so now there are two kids with injuries and a floor full of broken glass.
What the hell, people? Is this freakin' normal, or is my child the next Ted muthafuckin Bundy?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Third helping?

I feel compelled to blog about something that's come to my attention more than a few times in the past couple weeks. Apparently, people are wanting to know if I am going to... try for more children.

Are you people out of your freakin minds?!?

I mean, have you seen how crazy my life is already?
'Cuz let's just throw a baby on top of all of this- all smushy and cute, covered in drool, snot, and stale formula. No sleep til Brooklyn style.

Despite my tubal ligation and BBQ tweeter procedures, let's just pretend I could get pregnant. Um... I'm not exactly wanting to push anymore kids out of my hoo-ha thank you.
I've done it twice and amazingly enough, it still hasn't made my list of top 10 party games.
The Red One about killed me. And him. I don't care to relive anything like that ever again.
Plus, have you seen my aftermath of a belly that used to be all cute and tight?
Yeah. Awesome.
It's its own entity.
Not to mention, I'm freakin' old, peeps!

What's that? Adoption you say?
There was a time where I would have loved to adopt.
I would have preferred to adopt.
However, this was all before the Meltdown King and his Cute But Chock Full O' Evil little brother became my minions.
Thanks, my hands are full. And so are the Evil One's diapers.

Then the questions...
But what if you meet Mr. Right?
Then I will marry him as we ride off into the sunset on a unicorn, to live in our castle made out of gumdrops.
But what if he wants kids?
Trust me. Mr. Right doesn't want any more kids.
But how do you know?
The Leprechauns told me.
But don't you want...a girl?
Not anymore. I've come to the realization the world can only handle one of me.
Just ask my mom.

Did I mention that my little sister is getting married in the fall?
How about bugging her for some rugrats?
Oh- you did? And she said no? Really?
Hmm. I don't think she's serious. Ask her again. Like a million times.
She's just unsure. You should totally persuade her.

Officially, in writing, once again, I'm done like Big Fun. The Baby Factory is out of business.
So you can stop asking now, Jaysen.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A love letter to my pharmacy.

Dear Pharmacy,

You can suck it. I've been a loyal customer of yours, oh... for a really flippin long time we'll just say. You saw me through many illnesses, my bout with mono, you were privy to my sex life when I started birth control, you witnessed damn near conception and childbirth from prenatal vitamins to painkillers in the wake of the aftermath. Twice. I've had countless conversations with your pharmacists about ASD, and there were a few who really tried their all to help me find a form of medicine my son could tolerate.

So I have to ask you, Why? WHY can't you get Jaysen's script straight?!? It's the same script as always, so I really don't see what the problem is. First, his insurance won't cover the designer drug anymore- switch to generic. I was okay with that. Now you're telling me that you can't guarantee which manufacturer makes the drug that you get in, and they have inconsistent formulas?

You make no sense. Let me rephrase that. The sense that you make, is none. When I called you to say I think we got the wrong script because this is a tablet, not an M-tab, I was the crazy one. "It says oral disintegrating tablet". I know what it says. Hooked on Phonics worked for me. What I'm saying, is the tablet is not dissolving completely. It leaves a grit in the bottom of the glass. I've been there, and it ain't flying.

Yes, I understand that on the box, it says oral disintegrating tablet. Netti pot your ears, candle them, or crunch up a pork rind in 'em. I'm telling you The.Shit.Is.Not.Disintegrating.

And... I really don't care which manufacturer you personally prefer to order from. I also don't care if you have to "special order" it- you never had to before... Just order from the one that has been sending the med for the past 3 years. The one that must have used to be the preferred manufacturer, but now isn't for some reason. Must have better samples.

No, he won't take the damn tablet. No, not even in Juice. Not in jello, pudding, applesauce, or any other foodtype in your petty arsenal. I'm not being a pain in the ass, it has to do with his sensory processing. Here we go again...ohmigod...will you just see if you can reorder the usual med before I stroke out in aisle 8?

Oh and by the way, could you please start restocking my favorite vanilla body butter?
Thanks a bunch.


On a lighter and brighter note, I've been informed I have a new reader!
She's awesomefantabulous.
Hi Madison!

Monday, July 13, 2009

The things I do for my kid...

Yesterday, I took Jaysen to this mall that has a gem of a store. The store has all Asian things, from food to furniture. Probably a poor analogy, since alphabetically, I just limited the store's selection by quite a bit.


I love Asian decor, so this has been one of my favorite stores for years. BUT! They also have awholebunchof Mario stuff (and Hello Kitty), but Mario stuff!

He totally guessed where we were going as soon as we entered the parking lot- I had told him about this store, and he's been bugging me to take him there. He was so excited, he was totally silent, except for a few high pitched squeaks. He clutched my hand as we walked through the mall. He was ticcing so much that it almost looked like he was dancing. Big tics, people. Tics that made him momentarily airborne. I am not exaggerating.

Once in the store, my boy was overwhelmed at first. I mean, look at all that Mario stuff! I am about to absolutely explode happiness out of every orifice! Ohmigosh, I can't handle The Happy! When he gets overwhelmed like that, he says he wants to leave, hides behind me, loses eye contact, and makes me talk for him.

He started to settle in and it was all good from there. He found heaven. And Mario and Luigi are there.

After the store, we went to a local fair.
There are three things you need to know about why this fair was so different from any other fair we've been to.

1- They had a mud volleyball tournament. In between games, the kids who were in bathing suits swam in these huge sinkholes filled with mud. Jaysen said he wished he'd brought his bathing suit so he could do that too. Yes, my child is both a sensory avoider and sensory seeker. It could be one, the other, both, or whatever, depending on the day, and you'd better guess correctly. Har har...

2- At one of the midway games, from across the park, Jaysen spied a stuffed animal Jerry (from Tom and Jerry). He lurvs Tom and Jerry almost as much as Mario and Luigi. Again, he retreated. He kept telling me "I see Jerry the mouse", but he wouldn't tell or show me where. Once he chilled a bit, he pointed to a booth, where I indeed did see Jerry the mouse. I leveled with the carnie and told him I just wanted to buy the damn thing. $20. Sold. It's a small price for the happiness you just brought my son. And thank you for not caring that he turned away and flapped when you handed it to him.

3- Jaysen likes rides. Not the big scary rides, but usually the carousel, kiddie coaster, ferris wheel, fun house, etc. Until yesterday.
"Mommy, I want to go on that!"
I turn to see The Himalaya.
Holy crap! Have you lost your flippin' mind?!?
Background: The Himalaya is my Moby Dick. For years, I've wanted so badly to ride it. I have always been too chicken shit. It looks so fun, with the lights and music- and c'mon, what other ride at the fair has its own DJ? But nope, I valued my dry underwear and stable stomach over my desire to conquer the unknown.
"Um, Jaysen, that's a big ride. It's scary."
(Tool around fair some more)
"Mommy, can we go on that now?" The freakin Himalaya again.
"Huh? We??? I don't think so. Mom's freaked out by that ride. And I'm not about to let you ride it alone."
"It's not scary..."
"Yes it is."
"You can ride with me! Together!"
Needless to say- my son was able to squelch twenty-sixteen years of sheer terror... and got my ass on that ride.

Thank you, Pooka, for teaching me to be brave.
I love you so much, I will ride the Himalaya all day with you.