You've got to be effing kidding me.

Disclaimer: Please do not read if you are easily offended by profanity.

Come back tomorrow for a regularly scheduled post.

What the fuck.

I am so pissed off right now. I need to vent, and what better place to do that, than my very own blog. Check this shit out.

I received notice from my fuckard Ex, that he and his waif-ho girlfriend scheduled their motherfucking C-section for tomorrow. Why does that have my panties in a bunch, you ask?

It's Jaysen's birthday.

Why would he do that?
The fucker hardly ever comes around as it is, so what- you need a fucking excuse not to see your son on his birthday? Fucking asshole shitfucker.
Oh right... "It's awesome! I have four kids, and only have to remember two birthdays!" (He also has twins)

Gee, you fucking fuckerton, maybe if you hadn't fried your goddamn brain on so many fucking drugs, you'd fucking "get it". Fucking addict. Oh snap, I forgot. Recovering addict. Whatever, shithead. 'Cuz being an alcoholic is totally different.

Fucker.

I'm thinking somebody should probably punch me in the face or something, because I'm really starting to think that I actually died in the fire, and I am in Hell. Except I can't find my cat, which come to think of it, would be fitting if I were in Hell.

Can anything else happen this year?
I don't know how much more one person can fucking handle. And I am about to blow.
I cannot believe he is such a fucking dickface.
I mean, he's a dickface, but this? Way beyond his realm of crapshittiness.
This is a whole new level of shitty. It's the uber-shit.

I want to rip the motherfucker's eyeballs out and jumprope with his optic nerves.

I am so pissed.

Seriously? You had to do this on his birthday?
You are the world's biggest asshole.

A love letter to my pharmacy.

Dear Pharmacy,

You can suck it. I've been a loyal customer of yours, oh... for a really flippin long time we'll just say. You saw me through many illnesses, my bout with mono, you were privy to my sex life when I started birth control, you witnessed damn near conception and childbirth from prenatal vitamins to painkillers in the wake of the aftermath. Twice. I've had countless conversations with your pharmacists about ASD, and there were a few who really tried their all to help me find a form of medicine my son could tolerate.

So I have to ask you, Why? WHY can't you get Jaysen's script straight?!? It's the same script as always, so I really don't see what the problem is. First, his insurance won't cover the designer drug anymore- switch to generic. I was okay with that. Now you're telling me that you can't guarantee which manufacturer makes the drug that you get in, and they have inconsistent formulas?

You make no sense. Let me rephrase that. The sense that you make, is none. When I called you to say I think we got the wrong script because this is a tablet, not an M-tab, I was the crazy one. "It says oral disintegrating tablet". I know what it says. Hooked on Phonics worked for me. What I'm saying, is the tablet is not dissolving completely. It leaves a grit in the bottom of the glass. I've been there, and it ain't flying.

Yes, I understand that on the box, it says oral disintegrating tablet. Netti pot your ears, candle them, or crunch up a pork rind in 'em. I'm telling you The.Shit.Is.Not.Disintegrating.

And... I really don't care which manufacturer you personally prefer to order from. I also don't care if you have to "special order" it- you never had to before... Just order from the one that has been sending the med for the past 3 years. The one that must have used to be the preferred manufacturer, but now isn't for some reason. Must have better samples.

No, he won't take the damn tablet. No, not even in Juice. Not in jello, pudding, applesauce, or any other foodtype in your petty arsenal. I'm not being a pain in the ass, it has to do with his sensory processing. Here we go again...ohmigod...will you just see if you can reorder the usual med before I stroke out in aisle 8?

Oh and by the way, could you please start restocking my favorite vanilla body butter?
Thanks a bunch.

Sincerely,
Momzilla

On a lighter and brighter note, I've been informed I have a new reader!

She's awesomefantabulous.

Hi Madison!

Is that an ass on your head, or just a hat?

We're still sick. Allus.

Although my rockin' Mother's Day was a nice diversion from our family's misery, the crappiness is stalwart, and we were forced to seek medical attention.

The adults are hacking up things that could be sold as appetizers in some countries.

Jaysen is hacking, feverish, runny nose, crusty cracked corners of the mouth, and intermittently puking.

Rylan is hacking and has so much snot running out of his nose holes, his face looks like a glazed donut. He also has red eyes because he wipes said "glaze" from nose to eyes. Loverly.

This brought us to:

The World's crappiest doctor's appointment!

The pediatricians office we go to has a bunch of really cool doctors, and a couple of them that I really don't care for. So, it just figures that the only appointment available was with a doctor that I'm not particularly fond of. When you're limited on time, you don't have much choice. We took the appointment.

Here's the words of wisdom from Dr. Asshat:

Rylan- He has fluid behind both ears.

Could clear up on its own, or turn into double ear infection.

Come back in a few days if he doesn't get better.

Seriously? Okay, because we've already been sick for a week, assblaster.

Jaysen- He has bronchitis.

We should get a blood test though, to rule out anything like infection.

(Crap... I promised Jaysen no medicine, finger-pokes, or shots.)

Much screaming ensued, but the nurse was able to indeed prick his finger to get a blood droplet. My kid thought he was dying, people. The look on his face would be the look I would expect to see on a person's face as they are watching a serial killer disembowel them.

Think I'm exaggerating?

Here's a picture Jaysen drew of the experience.

Terror, friends.

To make a long story shorter, he put Jaysen on an antibiotic for the bronchitis.
Me: Does Zithromax come in a suppository? He can't take oral meds.
Doc: No.
Me: Okay... is there something else you can give him? He can't take oral meds.
Doc: No. Just hide it in pudding.
Me: He can't eat pudding.
Doc: Put it in applesauce.
Me: He can't eat applesauce. He gags. He can't take oral meds because of his sensory issues.
Doc: Well, you'll have to find something he will eat and put it in that.
Me: (aware Momzilla is trying to escape) He just can't take 'em. There has to be something else you can give him.
Doc: I can give him a shot.
Me: Okay. Give him the shot.
Doc: Well, it's not a shot of the same thing, and it's not something we give for bronchitis. Ever.
Me: *blink blink* Um, then why would you bring it up as an option?
Doc: Zithromax liquid is the only thing I'm giving him. I don't know what to tell you.
Me: (gritting my teeth) Just give me the script. I'll try it and call you if it doesn't work.

Long story short, it didn't work.

I called Dr. Asshat back and was told there is nothing they can do for us.
Me: So, what you're telling me is I just have to let my child walk around with Bronchitis?
Nurse: If he won't take the meds, you may have to take him to the hospital for IV therapy.
Me: Fine.

Fan-flippin-tastic.

*begin non-denominational prayer*

I called the compound pharmacy.

Their staff was awesome. They didn't know if they would be able to make a suppository, but they were willing to check their database. If their database had a formula, they could do it.

They Have A Formula!

All they need is a script from Dr. Asshat, and I can pick up the butt bullets this evening!
Oh snap. Dr. Asshat is, well... an asshat.

Nurse: Dr. Asshat already wrote a script for zithromax.
Me: I know. I need this script to go to a compound pharmacy. They're able to make a suppository.
Nurse: Why would you have it filled at Rite Aid for an oral med if you knew your son wouldn't take it?
Me: (Are you kidding me?) Because Dr. Asshat told me there was nothing else he could do.
Nurse: So now you want him to write another script?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: I'll have to talk to him. I don't think he'll write another one since you filled the first one.
Me: Ohmigod. Are you crappin' serious? I filled it because you people don't listen!
Why do I have to remind everyone in the whole office that Jaysen has ASD? That he has sensory issues that impair his ability to tolerate certain things? That you can't give conventional treatments to an a-typical kid? Why am I explaining this to people who have been his primary care physicians for all 7 years of his life? I want this script faxed to the compound pharmacy and you tell Dr. Asshat to call me if there is a problem.
Nurse: Sigh... okay, I'll pass that on.

You do that, biatch.

Ugh. I'm so flippin' irritated.
I haven't heard from anyone yet, so my only hope is that these suppositories will be at the ready when I drive out to BFE to pick them up. Not to mention that the compound pharmacy doesn't take insurance, but this is my son's health, y'know?!?


I hope Dr. Asshat chokes on a tube sock.

The middle wife

Ex came over this weekend to see Jaysen.
First time this year, thankyouverymuch.

Ex is a crappy father.
Despite other people's beliefs that he doesn't love his children- I think he does love them, he just doesn't know how to be a Dad to them.
He has twins (15 years old) from his first marriage, and Jaysen.

Ex sees the twins quite often lately. They're a fun age for him.
They're into the same activities- skateboarding, music, girls, and other teenage stuff.
Jaysen? Not so much "fun" yet.

When Ex and I divorced, he started dating this girl (ironically, we have the same name).
I loved her.
She was sweet, good humored, and most importantly, she really jived with Jaysen.
Needless to say, that relationship didn't last. Which brings me to his current girlfriend of the past 4 years.
Current Girlfriend really can't be bothered by Jaysen. She tolerates and talks to him, but it never seems genuine, and she doesn't really know how to interact with him.
She for sure doesn't "get it".

So. Ex comes over and announces that he's going to be a Dad again.
Oh for the love of unicorn testicles. You have got to be shitting me.
This is a man who cannot take care of the three children he currently has, and he's welcoming baby number 4 into the world?
Oy.

I put on my happy face and exclaimed the appropriate congratulatory phrases.
Until he spoke again about how this was something that he and Current Girlfriend had discussed, and they wanted to do before she turned thirty in a few years (yes, you read that right)- and how happy, excited, elated (and other fluffy words that made me want to vomit) he was.

I wanted to rip his unshaven face off and run it through my paper shredder.
Why?
When I told him I was pregnant with Jaysen- and remember, we were married-
I was met with "Oh my god. Tell me you're joking. Tell me you're fucking joking" head in his hands, the whole bit. Like I was Fat Albert and just sat on his world.
Then, he added, "I have kids already! Tell me you're fucking joking!"
Um...no, asshole, I'm not.

You can imagine how his new found joy made my stomach turn.
He's so icky.
Oh, and... Current Girlfriend is due in October! Jaysen's birthday month.
The shit keeps getting better!

It makes me so mad to think that he saw Jaysen 4 times last year, and what- is it going to be less now? Then again, is that really so bad? Hmm.

Tell ya what though-
I am totally going to be asking for child support now.

Sorry...

Jaysen, I'm sorry I mess with you so much.
I'm sorry that although people often refer to me as a "saint" (which ironically irritates the hell out of me), I have done "less than saintly" things.
But there are many times that you back me against a wall, and I don't always know how to react in the best way. Like last night.

It was one of those days, and I'd just had enough.
Parenting is challenging on its own, and you not only require parenting, but creative parenting. Creative parenting sometimes means exploring outside of the norm.
Even our norm.
I have to keep you on your toes too, y'know.

So last night, when you were mad at me and screamed "you don't live here anymore!"
And I just looked at you and said "oh... then I'd better go find my house"?
And walked out the door at 8pm?

Yeah, I was really just around the back of the house.
After a minute, I heard you come to the garage door and call for me.
I didn't respond because I needed a minute to myself.
I heard you call for me throughout the house.
I didn't respond because I wanted to see what you would do.
I suppose I was hoping for a real-life lesson about how words affect people.
But when I did come in, shortly after that-
And we crashed into each other coming around the corner?
And you had on your winter coat all zipped up and your boots on?
I knew right then that you did care.
You were coming to look for me.
In the dark and in the snow.
I knew that when you hugged me and said you were sorry over and over again,
And told me that you loved me,
That you meant it.
And that made me feel so proud of you.
And it made me feel so loved.

Do I think you will continue to say things that you don't really mean? Yes.
Would I do that again? Maybe, but probably not. You're smart, and will eventually learn to lock the door.
Do I think you learned any kind of lesson? Not really.
Did I? Absolutely.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Mr.Sub has brought some highs and lows to Jaysen's programming at school. On one hand, he's been pretty fantastical with Jaysen- he understands that Jaysen does things that a typical kid may not do, doesn't take Jaysen's behavior personally, has been able to pick up on when he is overloaded, sees the potential that Jaysen has, and is trying to get to know him.

On the other hand, Mr.Sub is still a gen.ed teacher. He realizes that when Jaysen does perform, he usually outperforms the whole class. He has to find things for him to do, just to keep him busy because Jaysen is working circles around the rest of the class when he does work. Since he is a gen.ed teacher, he has literally been thrown into a classroom without any instruction. He had no idea that a sensory area had been constructed for Jaysen to use, he has no idea where Jaysen's extra clothing is (if Jaysen's pants get snowy at recess, he has to change them), he has no idea how to fill out the daily communication sheets or ABC charts when an incident does happen. An example is, he mentioned to me that "even when Jaysen earns 'all 5 stickers', we don't always have time to use the computer." I told him nicely that he had to make the time because this is part of Jaysen's behavior plan. It's imperative to follow through, especially on the reward part.

But like I said, he's not malicious- he just really doesn't know, because nobody "bothered" to tell him. He's also "figuring it all out" on his own, and he's not happy. He's figured out that the role they want him to play is to get Jaysen out of the school. He has seen how they treat him, and has seen their lack of focus, and he's not happy. But therein lies the problem- does one take advocating for their student over their job? His sp.ed teacher did just that, and look where it landed her.

I submitted a complaint letter to the Special Ed. department, stating my dissatisfaction with how this school year has been handled thus far, and put in a request that Mr.Sub attend training for Autism. When I spoke with him, he told me that he's been reading up on as much as he could find, and he feels that training would benefit him as well. I also asked that he be given the lead role in Jaysen's education for the rest of the year. If his teacher has not treated him fairly by now, I can't see that things would change. I also added that I wished to schedule a time to discuss moving Jaysen to a more supportive environment for next year.

Putting two and two together- Jaysen's sp.ed teacher will not be returning to school. Ever. So now, my sp.ed son is left without a sp.ed teacher. Isn't that conducive to an "appropriate education"? That's what I thought too. The principal has flat out lied to me regarding her whereabouts, and there's nothing I despise more than a liar. I can't see returning my son to a school that is led by a liar, in a school which is supposed to be serving my child, but has left him in the dust.

Where would I send him? I have no idea just yet. I have to research schools, but how do I know the same crap won't happen again in the upcoming year? Jaysen did beautifully last year with a supportive principal leading the school. This new principal doesn't know her ass from a hole on the wall. I just can't believe the other parents are believing the loads of crap spewing from her mouth. She's very good at being convincing...and conniving.

There was a meeting with the classroom parents before school on Friday. At the meeting, the parents brought up their concern that disability awareness wasn't done early enough. The school should have made an effort to educate the class about disabilities early in the year. The principal said that she looked into a "Disability Bus" that comes around to present an assembly for schools regarding what it's like to have a disability. You have to wait your turn though, it's not something you can just order. She also said that a presentation to the class was not done at the beginning of the year because I had not consented to it.

I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I raised my hand, and explained that if she wanted to be proactive, there are things you can order. There are books, presentations, games, etc. regarding disabilities, online, that all you have to do is click on the button to order them. I then turned to the parents and told them that I did offer to come in and inservice about Autism back in November. There was a low grumble amongst the parents, and they questioned the principal why I was never taken up on the offer. Not surprisingly, she "couldn't remember that conversation", so I said I would forward her the e-mail from back in November (which I did).

I've had it. I've had it with a principal that can't take any accountability, and tries to pawn off her procrastination on everyone else. I'm not taking this anymore. I'm considering calling a meeting with any parents that are interested, to show them just what it is that I've been going through to get acceptable services for Jaysen. This is not my issue, and I'm not going to let my son suffer because the parents have been led to believe the school is sterling and I'm the one who's lacking.

I'm not the type of person who welcomes everyone and their momma into our business, but this is affecting how these parent's kids are interacting with mine. If I have to put our dirty laundry out there, I will. Maybe they will see the negligence of the school and help me stop this mistreatment.

The saga continues...

X-pression

Jaysen has always been "headstrong" to put it mildly. I have recently implemented the use of timers to try and give him an end time to activities and to aide in transition. Jaysen's language skills have greatly improved over the years, but he still lacks the ability to express himself, especially in times he's upset.


Conversation last night:

(timer rings) Jaysen is still playing a video game.

"Jaysen, it's time to turn the game off."

(silence)

"Jaysen, the timer went off. Time to turn the game off."

"No."

"Jaysen..."

"I don't want to turn it off."

"Well, it's time to."

"I said NO!!! Now go away!"

"Jaysen- do you want to get in trouble, or are you going to listen?"

(pause)

(crying)"I don't want to get in trouble!"

"I don't want you to get in trouble either, so you should turn off the game."

(Turns off game and stomps off to his room)


Now- this may seem like a normal interaction with any bull-headed 6year old, but let me explain why this was a breakthrough.

A couple of weeks ago, Jaysen would have persisted and gone into meltdown mode. But he didn't. No, that's not the part that's huge.
Look closely.
Closer.
There.
Do you see it? Right after my vague ultimatum.
Jaysen said "I don't want to get in trouble".
This was the first time Jaysen used his words instead of having a meltdown.

In the past, he would've started throwing things, hitting and kicking.
I'm thinking now, that he may have done those things not because he was mad that I wanted him to do something, but because he didn't want to get in trouble.
(By the way, I don't even know what "trouble" is, but don't tell him that- whatever "trouble" is in his head, is probably much worse than whatever I could come up with.)

I was thrilled. Thrilled that he actually turned off the game, and thrilled that he let me know that he was upset (crying) because he didn't want to get in trouble. Oh happy day.

As far as a school update, his substitute teacher did start yesterday. He walked Jaysen out at the end of the day- Jaysen kicked him in the shin and promptly told him "not to come to school tomorrow". Hmm. No love for the sub.

When I dropped him off at school this morning, I got to meet him. He's uber-tall (around 6'7"), and very cute. Like *wow* kind of cute. Anyway, Jaysen walked in and Mr.Sub gave him a minute before saying "hi, buddy!" Jaysen just glared at him, he looked at me, chuckled and said, "he loves me". Awesome- at least he has a sense of humor. I explained a bit about Jaysen, and how humor is the way to reach him, and he said "great, we'll get along fine then." So I have faith that once Jaysen feels comfortable, he'll do very good by him.

Only thing that sucks is, now I have to start doing my hair before I drop him off at school. ;)

Let justice be served...preferrably with ice cream.

(This will be long, but should be fairly easy to follow in 3 parts)
I got a call last evening from V. She's the special ed supervisor over the elementary schools.

(Part 1)
"Hi, this is V, I'm calling on behalf of the principal."
(oh? now the principal is refusing to talk with me as well?)
"Hi there V".
"I wanted to follow up with you- Jaysen should have his substitute teacher in place for him next Tuesday."
"Awesome!"
"He doesn't have any formal training with ASD, but he's coming from the middle school and has worked with ASD kids and explosive behaviors, so Jaysen shouldn't be anything he hasn't seen before. I'm thinking this will be a good match because he is familiar with students with disabilities, and he's a gen.ed teacher, so he's also familiar with gen.ed curriculum. He'll be able to support Jaysen the way that he needs."
"That's great. I'm really excited about this."
"I also understand you've been concerned about Jaysen's seating arrangement?"
"Yes. I feel that by sitting him off in a corner, with no other kids around him, is reinforcing the message to the class that it is okay to segregate him from the group."
"Well, we're looking at this being a temporary placement."
"I don't care how temporary of a placement you're thinking. This is not right."
"I realize that we are punishing the victim here, but I don't see any other options. We're hoping to do this for a week or two, then ease him back in with the classroom seating."
"V, he's once again being punished for something that is not his fault. You can't keep allowing this to happen. He needs to be included with his peers."
"The problem is...Jaysen's relationship with his peers...is, well...extremely...fractured."
(No shit, lady. I wonder why that is?)
"I understand, but you can't tell me that you expect me to believe that every kid in that class thinks he's a monster. "
"Of course not."
"Then sit him with those kids. He told me last night that there were three kids in particular that were really nice to him. Why can't you take those three kids into the hallway and ask them who would like to volunteer to be Jaysen's helper? Then you have those kids that want to help, sit at his table. There's more room at the round table, and they will be able to see that the behavior is being handled by the sub, and they may even pick up on some ways that they can help Jaysen too."
"That's a really good idea. I hadn't even thought of sitting kids with him. I don't see any reason we can't do that."
(duh.)


(Part 2)
"Now, while I have you on the phone, I would like to address the anxiety concern."
"Yes, I'm aware of the concern that parents are feeling anxious about the situation."
"That's only part of it, V. We're now on the receiving end of sideways glances, kids being shuffled away from Jaysen, parents talking about us and confronting me about my parenting abilities and our home situation. This has got to stop."
"I agree. But sometimes confrontation makes things worse, just so you know. What would you like to do?"
"At this point, there has been too much damage done. If we ignore it, it's allowing it to continue. I think confrontation is the only option, and it needs to start with his teacher. I know firsthand that she has discussed issues concerning my son, to other parents- because it's coming back to me. She is the one who is creating this anxiety- she is the one who can lull it."
"I wasn't aware of that. It's hard to disagree with you, when I agree with you. Sp.ed or Gen.ed it doesn't matter. She can't be allowed to do that. I will talk with her and the principal tomorrow."

I hope she tears into her like Fat Albert into a bag of chips.

I want to feel a bit relieved, but every time I think things are getting taken care of- something else happens to double the drama. I am keeping my fingers crossed, but my guard is still up.


(Part 3)
Now check this out:
When I dropped Jaysen off at school this morning, I told his sp.ed teacher of last night's conversation. She advised me to keep tracking the conversations. She is keeping her own copy of her interactions as well. Then she said the strangest thing that actually gave me chills.

"If I end up losing my job over this, all of my documentation will then belong to you. I will help you take down the system."

*shudder*

There is way more to the story. She knows something. She apparently knows a lot of things that I don't. What the hell are they?!?

"I will help you take down the system."

Those words are haunting me.
Damn...I want to know.

A wee bit of victory

I received a phone call from the Director of Special Education last evening. I am told that once this woman gets involved, your case has officially reached "big-shit" status. This woman is usually brought in for damage control. She puts out fires, and is the be all end all. She is the Special Education Deity.

Anyway, she had me on a conference call with the special ed coordinator of the elementary schools (whom I had already been working with through all this stuff), and she asked me how she can help. I went through all of my frustrations with the school, and she was really empathetic to what was going on.

She offered two suggestions. The first being to move Jaysen into an inclusive classroom and gradually phase him into the general education curriculum. I immediately argued this suggestion for two reasons. The first being that it is already mid-January. How do you plan on gradually phasing him into gen.ed with half the year gone- and then it will be summer? And secondly, last year, he was accommodated and had the appropriate support, and he absolutely thrived. I strongly feel he can do that again, if given the proper supports.

Her second suggestion was to hire a substitute teacher, who has had exposure to Autism, to be in the gen.ed room with Jaysen. Hmmm...tell me more about this option. A parapro would have to follow the instruction of the teacher. A substitute (who is a certified teacher on her own), would be able to direct and instruct Jaysen by whatever means she feels would work for him, without having to consult or follow the lead teacher. She would be able to support the lead teacher's instruction and be able to supplement his learning needs.

Now we're talkin'.

The topic of the meeting came up. She asked me what I would like to do about it- I didn't really have an answer. She mentioned that for some reason, this "case" has been blown up to a ridiculous magnitude. That there are a lot of anxious parents that don't want their kids around Jaysen, that are demanding answers as to why he is "allowed to act that way", and what is going on. I agreed that it's gotten way out of control, and offered my speculation.

My speculation was that his teacher is extremely anxious. She hasn't been the same since she witnessed a meltdown. She's afraid of Jaysen, and he makes her anxious. She is friends with a number of parents, so she confides in them about her anxiety. She doesn't understand him, so he's made out to be this kid that "goes off" at the drop of a hat, and a volatile monster threatening bodily harm. If that were the story I was hearing, I'd be concerned as a parent too.

The Director said that she felt that was what was going on too, but hasn't seen anything firsthand, and wants to be cautious about how she handles the situation. I can understand that, but this teacher has caused some pretty significant problems with my child, his education, his faith in the school system, and my trust. She needs to be beaten with asparagus spears.

She asked if I would like another meeting with the parents, to sort of plead my case. I told her that I didn't think that was necessary, since all of the parents were informed at the meeting just last week. If the parents still had questions or concerns, I would be happy to meet with them. She agreed, and said she was thinking the same thing, just wanted to give me that option. I also made her aware that in a meeting like that- should I be asked about his behavior, my answer will be "because the school has not provided him with the supports he needs, and he is reacting to his environment", and it will blow up in your face. She knowingly laughed and said she was afraid of that. All in all, it was a good conversation. She is aware of the issues now, and Jaysen will have full accommodations in about 3 weeks- that includes the time for the FBA and all that jazz.

The addendum to his IEP meeting is tomorrow, and I fully intend to take whatever advantage I can. I'm asking for everything. Maybe I'll even have them write that they have to provide coffee for me every morning when I drop him off. Now there's an IEP goal: Jaysen will make a perfect pot of coffee with 90% accuracy. When that goal is achieved, he can move on to cappuccinos. Mmmm. Coffee.

There is a bunch of shady stuff going on internally too. Jaysen's sp.ed teacher called me, extremely upset, that they are threatening her job. They informed her that they will not be renewing her contract at the end of this year. The reason? she feels it's because she's fighting for Jaysen so hard, and the principal thinks her loyalty should be with the school, not the student. But- they're not that stupid. They're telling her it's because of how she writes an IEP, her documentation, and the fact that she is late picking students up for their Resource Room time (because she's busy trying to diffuse Jaysen). She is a wreck, and I am too. I told the Director that the sp.ed teacher is instrumental in Jaysen's education. She is the only familiar face from last year, she gets him, and he trusts her. She knows how to reach him, and he performs. I had to be subtle, and slide the stroking in where it would fit the topic of discussion, because remember...we're not supposed to be talking. So- my stress level is up once again, just with the thought that she won't be there next year. Yes, they could get another one in who's just as good, but she really fights for him. As long as Jaysen's with her, he's safe from being ridiculed and punished for his quirks. Now, don't think this woman is totally flawless, but the bottom line is, she advocates for my son while he's in school and I can't.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that little ray of sunshine peeking through- that he is finally going to get some support. Whoot whoot!

HIPPA-potomous

Yesterday was the day the school social worker was to present to Jaysen's class about Autism. When we discussed this presentation at the meeting on Wednesday, it was to be an informal, nondiscriminatory way to introduce Autism Awareness and sensitivity training to his classmates (while he is still on suspension), talk about his strengths, and talk about ways the kids can support him in the areas he needs support.

The problem? There were several parents in attendance.

Yes, I think it is a good idea that parents are informed and aware as well as the kids, however, parent attendance was never discussed with me. If I had known parents were going to be there, I would have been there to answer any questions from a parent-to-parent perspective. It was my impression that this was going to be a "safe" place to talk about what it means to be Autistic, where the kids would be able to ask questions and receive clarifications regarding their concerns. I was furious.

Here was my e-mail to the principal and the director of special education upon finding out:

I am aware that the Autism awareness discussion with Jaysen's class was held yesterday, I would love to know how it went. At our meeting, we discussed the purpose of this presentation was to provide Jaysen's classmates with sensitivity training and education about how Autism affects Jaysen, to foster more positive social relationships, and to reassure them that things are under control.

It has come to my attention that parents were also in attendance. I do not know who authorized this decision, who invited the parents, how they were notified, or why I was not invited as well. If the intent was to have parents present, it should have been discussed, and I should have been notified. Had I been notified, I would have been there to represent Jaysen, and answer any questions parent to parent.

I want you to be aware that this is a breach of Jaysen's confidentiality under FERPA law. I gave permission to discuss Jaysen's Autism with his classmates and teachers. I did not give permission to hold an open forum about my son. I expect this issue to be dealt with accordingly.

The principal responded that I was correct, several parents did attend the discussion, although she didn't know they were going to be there. She said they were neither notified nor invited, and she didn't know how they knew there was going to be a conversation at all. She apologized, and said they should have asked the parents to leave the room while the discussion took place. She assured me this type of situation will not happen again.

Is it just me, or is this not enough? Are you planning on finding out how the parents were "invited"? Isn't it obvious to you that his ignorant teacher was the one who tipped the parents off to the freakshow as they dropped their kids off that morning? If you weren't expecting the parents, why didn't you clear the room? This is absolute bullshit. I am so glad he wasn't in school.

My advocate says not to get my panties in a bunch. I should look at it for what it is. Parents are now informed too, and now...the district "owes me one". She suggested not to file a formal complaint, and now is the time to ask for the big stuff. I took her advice and wrote a letter to the director of special ed, and asked for his teacher to receive immediate training, and a Functional Behavior Assessment (that they still haven't completed) with the assistance of ISD. ISD is the Intermediary School District, and they are supposed to know their shit. They're who you call when your district isn't cutting it. It's also difficult to get their involvement because honestly, they have more important things to do than other people's jobs. On Monday, I am going to write a letter requesting Extended School Year (ESY) services, and an IEE at their expense.

Still, that only makes me feel a tiny bit better. This is so wrong. The advocate is right, that I have to play nice because Jaysen's only in 1st grade, and has a lot of years left at this school. I'm just sick of all of this. At what point does it become discrimination? At what point does it become too much? At what point do people consider that there is a real child with feelings here? My friend suggested I confront the teacher about it, but I'm too afraid they'll end up calling the police because they found out just what a combative mom really is.

In a bit of humor, the other autism-mom at Jaysen's school, left something for me in Jaysen's backpack. It's a note on a heart-shaped piece of paper that says "I've been thinking about you, I hope you're doing okay. I remember mentioning this book to you. I think you will enjoy it. I couldn't put it down. I'm here for you."
And it was stuck inside...a copy of Jenny McCarthy's book.


She apparently doesn't read my blog.

Whose rights?

Once you take away the legalese and the fancy fluffer-stuff, what it boils down to is- because of Columbine and "Zero Tolerance"- The school has 10 "free days" where they can suspend a child for any reason. When I say any reason, I mean any reason.

Case in point:
The principal acknowledged that she is aware that Jaysen's disabilities caused him to react to his environment the way he did. She is aware that the school has not provided the supports he needs. Supports that are in his IEP. She knows that what he said was not said with intent. She admitted to suspending him because of his disability. And it's legal. It's not very ethical, but it is legal.

Me: So when can Jaysen return to school?
Principal: Umm...well, we have to get the behavior plan up and running...
Me: We're here to finalize that today, so he will be back tomorrow.
Principal: No, he can't come back tomorrow. He can't come back until the staff feel comfortable implementing the behavior plan.
Me: And how long will it take staff to feel comfortable?
Principal: Well I just don't know. His teacher still has to go for training, and we have to find a substitute for that to happen.
Me: (How that is supposed to be my problem, I don't know.) I see.

Me: Regarding the incident, why wasn't the social worker called down to pull him aside and problem-solve? Maybe if someone would have tried to find out why he was upset, they would have gotten to the real issue?
Principal: Well, I don't know... I don't even know if...hmmmm...was she in the building...with a student...oh- she wasn't in the building that day.

Me: So you suspended him without allowing him to give his side?
Principal: Yes. I had to suspend him because he can't say things like that.
Me: But you don't have anything in place to give him support with his expressive language.
Principal: I know.
Me: You understand that he uses scripts, and could have complex vocal tics as well.
Principal: Yes.
Me: And you understand that his verbal expression is limited, and his tics are involuntary.
Principal: I understand that.

Me: You realize he was just reacting to his environment.
Principal: Yes he was, but it's a general education classroom. People are going to do things like take pictures.
Me: And I'm not saying they shouldn't do things like that. What I am saying is, that you have a student with disabilities. A part of the disability is sensory hypersensitivity. You and the teacher need to be aware of this. It doesn't take any more of an effort to let him know you're going to take a picture.
Principal: I know that, but if he's that sensitive that the teacher can't even take a picture, maybe we need to discuss alternative placement for him.
Me: Remember, you haven't provided supports yet...
Val (director of Sp.ed): (who knows where I was about to go with this) What she's saying K, is that we need to be more aware of the environmental factors that could be potential triggers for Jaysen, and acknowledge that something may be triggering a behavior that we're not considering.
Principal: (silence)
Me: (smile)

Principal: It's about the other kids. I know there was no intent in what he said, I suspended him because the other kids in class became very upset when he threatened the teacher.
Me: Which we still don't know he actually did.
Val: (interrupting out banter) When will Jaysen be able to return to school?
Principal: (long re-grouping pause) Umm...I'm thinking the very earliest, would be Friday.
Me: So you're still denying him access to an appropriate education until at least Friday.
Principal: Yes.

Me: Let me make sure that I'm understanding this clearly before I have to leave. You are agreeing that you suspended him for something that was due to his disabilities. You are also acknowledging the school has not yet provided him the necessary supports to effectively help him succeed, and this directly effects his behavior.
Principal: Yes.

*blink blink*

Did she just admit to suspending my son for his disabilities?
Yep. And apparently she can do it for up to 10 days.

So, when I got to work, I sent her an e-mail requesting she write a supplement to Jaren's suspension letter, stating that she acknowledges that the infractions were made without intent, and her decision to suspend was based on his classmates being upset. I requested the letter be attached to his suspension letter in his file, and a copy sent to me.

She has yet to respond.

Here we go again + Hiatus.

Well- I was really hoping it wasn't coming to this, but it appears there is a severe lack of communication with Jaysen's school.

For weeks now, I have been requesting communication as to how his days were going, to which I've only been told "Oh, he's doing fine. A little tired, but fine."

Apparently things are not fine.

My son told me last night:
"The 'bad teacher' (ironically, the Autism Consultant) put me in the kindergarten. She put Baby Shakespeare (tape) on the shelf behind the books. She wouldn't let go of my arms like this (demonstrates a "basket hold" restraint), and I cry."

"Ms. B (principal) wouldn't let go of my pencil."
I asked why Ms. B wanted to hold onto his pencil-
"I playing with it like this (stims)."

I am pissed. I am way beyond the realms of frustration. I am seething.

First of all, if this "Autism Consultant" was worth a shit, she would know that Jaysen's behavior would escalate if she took his tape away, especially if she put it out of his sight. She would also know that "stimming" is, among other things, a coping strategy for him in times of anxiety. Interrupting his stim is going to cause his anxiety to rise as well.

His behavior escalated to the point that the Autism Consultant felt it necessary to apply a "basket hold" type physical restraint. The kicker? I was not contacted at all regarding any of this. I had no idea that Jaysen's behavior was even an issue, and I sure as hell had no idea that it "required" physical restraint, until he told me last night. That's saying a lot, considering Jaysen's language issues.

My child does not feel safe in his own classroom. This is absolutely unacceptable.

When I tried to ask his teacher this morning about it, she refused to give me eye contact, and said very coldly, "I have to greet my students. I'm too upset." Bitch, I don't care about your emotional status. I care why my son was restrained without my knowledge yesterday. I just walked away, and fired off an e-mail to practically everybody in the district.

All of his other classes are great! Reports of his hard work, how far he's come, and he's a pleasure. Except in his home class. Gee, what does that tell me?

So- I am probably going to take a (hopefully) brief hiatus from The Quirk Factor here. I've fought a school system before (the crappy school in our old district-see post here), and it looks like it's headed that way again. Those of you who have battled a district before, know the time and energy it sucks out of you. It's not fun. Personally, I'd rather have a root canal. This time though, the gloves are off.

I will be checking my e-mail frequently, so if you do have powerful advocacy tips you'd like to share, I greatly appreciate them. Wish me luck, and I will try to update.

While maintaining my best professional front-
...they're about to meet Momzilla.

Momzilla escapes.

Most of my posts are of uplifting, if not downright humorous, antics that involve my son, Jaysen. I've often been told "you have the patience of a Saint", and "you are such a wonderful mom, I could never do what you do". To me, I am not really doing anything out of the ordinary, and parenting my boys is naturally part of my job as their mom.

Well, as some of you may have guessed, I am only human.

And I lost it.

The other day, I was trying to get Jaysen ready for school. He wanted to "finish level 5" on his video game. Quick mental inventory reminds me that the levels on this particular game are short, and Jaysen can, in fact, finish the level within enough time. I agree. "Finish this level, then it's time for school".

Level 5 ends and level 6 begins. I remind Jaysen of his promise, and he pleads with me. I stand firm. We go through the whole shebang of "If you don't turn it off, I will", and the 1-2-3 countdown began. He did not turn it off, so I did.

"Maaaaa-Meeeee! You turn it off!"
"Yes, I did. It's time for school."
"I not going to school!" and he hit me.

I chauffeured Jaysen away from the game and outside. He continued to scream that he was not getting in the car, and not going to school. I chauffeured him into the car, where he hit me again. This is the first episode of physical aggression since beginning any medication many months ago, and he has been totally off of meds for about a month.

I buckle in my screaming child, and enter the car myself. I pull out of the driveway and begin our journey to school. We had just gotten in front of our nextdoor neighbor's house, when Jaysen's tone changed. There was a bit of panic.

"I need a tape!"
"You have 'Bach' in your backpack."
"That's a CD, I need a tape!"

Another mental inventory knows that he does need a tape.
I want to make this a lesson learned that he has to consider these things before we leave the house, take some responsibility for getting things ready for school, and the such.
He is late for school, and I will be late to work.
I also know that if I do not turn back, he does not have a chance in hell of having any sort of decent day, this will mess up his whole chi, and he will be combative at school.

I slam on the brakes.

"WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!?!?!!!!" I scream at the top of my lungs.
He covers his ears and starts to protest my volume.
"WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!?!?!!!!" I scream another 3 or 4 times, spilling my coffee all over my lap in the process.

Then it happens.
There is a scream.
It is not an ordinary scream.
It's fierce. It's commanding. It's raw and primal.
And it's coming from me.

Jaysen is frozen. I reverse back to the house, throw open his door, and growl through clenched teeth, "get a tape".
He runs into the house crying "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry for you!".
I follow him, to find him standing in the dining room totally confused, crying "I'll make it work. I'll make it work. I'll take Dolittle". He bolts out to the car and gets in.

On the way to school, Jaysen is telling me "I'll make you happy, Mommy". I do not answer. In fact, I start sobbing. I had just let out probably 3 years of frustration, and it scared the crap out of both of us.

We arrive at school, a bit calmer. Jaysen does try to make it up to me by suggesting (since we are late) that we run. We make it to his classroom, where I apologize for yelling, and tell him to have a good day. "Bye" was all he could muster.

I'm just about to round the corner, when I hear, "Mommy! Wait!"

I turn to see Jaysen standing at the end of the hallway, totally red-faced. He wasn't crying, but his face was so red! I start to walk toward him.

He says "I want to give you a hug."
I kneel down, he hugs me, and falls apart in my arms. He starts sobbing, a sob that really means I'm sorry. He tells me over and over "I love you. I love you so much. I love you." Then he gives me a huge heartfelt kiss on my cheek. I think that's the first time he's ever done that. He squeezes me again, so hard that I thought I might pass out.

We both collected ourselves, and he walked back to class. He kept looking back to see me. When he got to his room, he quickly turned around and blew me a kiss. Another first.

I went about my day, feeling guilty that I lost it like that. I had screamed so furiously that not only did my throat hurt, but I pulled a muscle in my neck! I realized that there is an important factor here though. I lost it in front of Jaysen, not at Jaysen. I still felt like crap regardless. When I got home from work, Jaysen greeted me with more hugs. I was thinking maybe I scared him enough that he would shape up and be an "angel" for the rest of the week.
Ummm...no.

So at least things are back to normal. :)

Thanksgiving- thankful it's over!

Thanksgiving...a time to reflect on the blessings in your life...
...or to bully little old ladies.

We went to Companion's parents house for Thanksgiving- Jaysen decided to pick on Mary, Companion's step-grandma. Mary was apparently sitting in Jaysen's "spot" on the couch. When Jaysen asked her to move, and she didn't (hey, she's 93 years old- did she really hear him?), He declared war on her.

"I don't like you... very much"
"You not coming with us, old lady!"
"Get out of here! Go to your room gramma!"

Those were only a few of the choice statements to spew forth from my child's mouth.
But the best...
the absolute best...
the highlight of the whole craptastic episode....
was when the meal was finished.
Jaysen and I were outside, playing in the snow, waiting for everyone to posse up. Companion's mom started down the stairs, and Jaysen says, "Where's Mary?" Mom replied "Oh, she's coming." Jaysen kept waiting and looking for her.

Once Mary came into view, Jaysen took a step forward and called, "Maaaaary..."
...then pegged her in the belly with a snowball!

I was mortified.
I was not only mortified, but I was trying to stifle my laughter as well (remember when I said I find non-funny things hysterical? Well, this is one of them). I don't know what the heck had gotten into him. It was such "typical" behavior, if it were two kids! I couldn't yell at Jaysen, because I knew that he would know I was trying not to crack up, so I just said,"ohmigod, I can't believe you did that- getinthecarnow."

He's lucky I didn't stuff him...Turkey.

So.Sick.Of.This.

The resolution that the teachers came up with was this:
Gen.ed refuses to meet with Sp.ed unless there is a third party present.
Yes, you read that correctly.

Gen.ed thinks things have been "getting twisted", and people are not reporting things accurately. She is getting her "twisted" information from...my mother. My mother? What the heck does my mother have to do with any of this? She talks to the teacher out of concern for Jaysen (remember, I've always said that Moppi's heart is in the right place, but she just doesn't get it), and is so easily led to believe anything a "professional" tells her. She also has trouble keeping her facts straight- to this day, she tells people I am a "Sign Language Interpreter". More recently, I got a "degree in Medical Billing". The reality is I have a degree in Sign Language, and recently passed the Certified Procedural Coder (CPC) exam to work as a Medical Biller. It's actually pretty funny, but she really is making me seem more worth my salt than I am.

Getting back to the issue- I explained to Moppi today, that she is not to speak to anyone at the school. She wants to believe that everyone is doing what's best for Jaysen, but the reality is, there is a huge battle of ego going on right now. The principal is involved and doesn't have a clue what's going on- she's stuck on the issue that gen.ed wants Jaysen's psych. testing for her file. Sp.ed says they don't release that information to gen.ed. The principal says sp.ed released all of the records at her last school. Sp.ed says, this isn't your last school. So sp.ed is seen as uncooperative, reg.ed is seen as incompetent, and nobody is focusing on Jaysen's best interest.

Sp.ed decided that if reg.ed is not going to be able to handle Jaysen's academic needs, she will take it into her own hands and pull him full time. Jaysen was supposed to be mainstreamed in reg.ed, with sp.ed support mainly for behavior and transition issues. Now? He's in sp.ed full time. The only time he's not in sp.ed is when sp.ed is working with another student 1:1.

What the crap is that?!? How did he go from sp.ed support to sp.ed dependent?!? It's the issue that I am faced with. Jaysen is not getting the academic support he needs in reg.ed. So sp.ed says she will do it, because that's what's in his best interest. Well, he also needs to be in the classroom, to know about the workings of a class, and to be a part of those dynamics. He needs to learn to work independently, not always 1:1. He needs friends.

Reg.ed says "he's just not as smart as I thought". She thinks he can only read sight words, and is way below grade level in math skills. Sp.ed says she is working on 2 column addition (above grade level) with Jaysen, and when she can report to gen.ed that he is using "Read Naturally" with her, gen.ed will know he can read fluently. In short, she'll be able to rub it in her face.

I am to the point that I am ready to go off on everyone. I want to scream at them, "Get over your stupid selves! This is not about who is "right", who "wins the kid", or anything else! This is about my son! Get your stupid shit together and focus, dammit."

So, this is where I'm at right now.
I am sick of this bullshit, the immaturity, the idiotic-ness of it all. I am sad, and I am madder than hell. I don't think there are phrases illicit enough in the English language to describe how I'm feeling. Maybe Maddy or Casdok could lend me a choice phrase or two in proper English, or British bitchout bollocks-style? :)

Hey- let's make it a contest! Open to anyone- leave me your best heated phrase or insult! The winner will be congratulated, and have their choice words used at the next opportunity presented. You will also receive, as a bonus, a detailed description of what their faces looked like when winning phrase was uttered!


Get mad, and let 'em rip!

This Butt's for YOU!

My lil' boy is in trouble. For real trouble, with the school.

It was a classmate's birthday yesterday, and the class was writing birthday wishes for her. Jaysen's paper said:

We have buts for you, and poop for you, and a moon.

Apparently, the teacher was deeply offended. Offended to the point that she took it to the principal. The principal shared her concern, and brought it to the Sp.ed teacher. The principal expressed her disapproval by saying, "The one we discussed yesterday? Well, look what he wrote!" and rambled on about how his malicious act is disturbing, offensive, and bullying.

Sp.ed teacher took a deep breath, and said she would deal with it. She talked to me this morning. She asked me what I thought. What did I think? Hmmm...what did I think? I think I had to think of something fast, because I could tell she was awaiting an answer, and "his writing is really good" was not the correct one.

"Well...Jaysen thinks butts, poop, and farts are funny. He jokes about it all the time at home. I can even hear how he's saying it...we have butts for yooooou, and poop for yooooou!"

"THAT'S what I thought!" Was the sp.ed teacher's reply.

*whew*

So we discussed that Jaysen wasn't trying to be malicious or hurtful in any way. He was trying to be funny. He even meant "moon" as an actual moon, and not a "showing of the butt", because he drew her a moon at the top of the page.

Yes. I am a mom who shares "butt jokes" with her son. Why? Because he responds to humor.

Examples:
~Jaysen, you'd better not eat another cookie, or your butt will get big. I ate 3 cookies, and look at mine.
~I see London, I see France...Jaysen's got no underpants!
~Jaysen, if you don't brush your teeth...your butt will fall off.

Jaysen tries his best to joke back:
~Mommy...look what I got for you... (shows me his butt).
~Hey Mommy...Butts!
~Hey Mommy...come here...I have a present for you...it's a... fart!

He knows I'm joking, and we share a laugh. It can be the deciding factor of if he will go into pre-meltdown, because it's a major distractor. Yes, I joke about butts with my kid. You could blame it on genes, except I'm adopted. He recently learned the ol' pull my finger routine from my Dad. Except, Jaysen hasn't quite figured out that this trick is best done while you have to fart.

His version?

"Pull my finger!" (nothing) "Oh...I'm outta gas."

Bwahahahahaaaaa! I thought that was hysterical. I'm outta gas. Ha! What was I...oh yes...school.
*Ahem* the school was less than pleased with this aggressive action displayed by my son. The Sp.ed teacher said she would get to the bottom of this, because now he's being viewed as a troublemaker, as well as just mean. She also said that if this treatment keeps up, she'll pull him into her room for the whole day, and teach him herself. I don't think that's the answer either. He needs to be with his peers. He wants to be with his peers. This is getting so crazy, and it's just not fair.


So, keep your fingers crossed...
Oh yeah, enjoy this butt.

Axe the Ex.

Ex came over last night to see Jaysen. It was his usual "once every couple of months" visit- which is a problem in itself.

This time, he called the night before saying he and Girlfriend will be by around 7:30-8:00p ish. 'Scuse me? I don't think so. I explained that it is a school night, and the importance of Jaysen's bedtime routine. I was booting him at 8:00. If that meant he showed up at 7:00, they'd have an hour with him. Show up at 7:45? sorry, but ya got 15 minutes.

I've become quite the hardass these past few weeks. It's really starting to bother me that Ex thinks it's cool for him to pop in and out of Jaysen's life when it's convenient for him. It bothers me that he has not once come up with any support, or help, in Jaysen's care. It bothers me that Ex can't come over without Girlfriend (who has the car), and Girlfriend calls the shots on where they're going (She wants Mexican food? Fine. Get it before you come over 'cuz my kid won't eat it. Oh, you're going there anyway 'cuz she really wants a vegetarian taco? Is this about Jaysen spending time with his father, or about your dietary needs? Kay- phear the wrath). And it really bugs me the most that Ex has not (nor wants to be) involved in any of the Autism aspect of his son. Yeah, he bucked up when another kid called Jaysen "weird", but he bucked up to an 8 year old. Nice. It's to the point where he doesn't even know how to interact with Jaysen. *end rant*

Anyway- they show up at 7:00 and whisk off to Burger King. 8:00 comes. 8:00 goes. Ex is probably thinking "Haha...you can't boot me if I'm not there". I call his cell phone. He assures me he's just around the corner. They pull in at around 8:30 (that must've been a huge corner).

I inform Ex that he may now give Jaysen a shower, and prepare the child for bed.
"He doesn't want me in there" he says.
"Oh? Well get in there and make sure he bathes."
"But he told me to get out."
"Well, looks like you're going to have to figure something out, huh?"
Ex re-entered the bathroom only to turn right back out, followed by a sopping wet Jaysen.
"He says he's done."
(Good lord...)

Jaysen now is wound tighter than a drum, bouncing off of the walls. It's playtime at Chez Jaysen. I roll my eyes at Ex (who is still tickling Jaysen while telling him it's time for bed in the same breath) and try to get Jaysen settled. Epic fail. Ex and Girlfriend scram, leaving me with a hyper feral being, who only resembles my child physically.

Taking my own advice, I realize that resistance is futile...he watches a movie and goes to bed. At 11pm. Thank you Ex. Love ya. Idiot.

It's about that time.

Yes, it's about that time of year, when most parents are at their height of anticipation. Anticipation of hearing those long-awaited words...the same words that send me into frantic spazz-mode, a frenzy-crazed anxiety-momma, and send my stress level skyrocketing through the roof...

Back to School.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Who is Jaysen's teacher going to be? When can he meet her? Does she know about Jaysen? I mean does she know about Jaysen? Did she talk to the Kindergarten teacher? The Special Ed teacher got married and moved to Minnesota (the nerve of her), will the replacement teacher be as good? How will Jaysen do with full days? Who's going to remind him if he brought his lunch, or if he's going to buy? Will someone be there to meet us at the door in the mornings? When can I schedule an IEP meeting to discuss transportation? What is the plan of action for...anything!?!?!?!?

Good god, I'm a mess.
Valium should be on the school supply list.

Securing My Own Little Place In Hell.

Yesterday I stayed home with the boys because my mom is sick. In the big picture, we had an awesome day. We played outside, went to McDonalds, and did a little gardening.

While I was cooking dinner, Rylan kept getting into stuff (being the carpet cruiser that he has become), so I asked Jaysen if I could give him his "tree" to play with. Jaysen got this tree toy for his first birthday. It's been a favorite throughout the years. It's a tree that you put balls into the top, and they come spiraling down a slide, while different musical excerpts are annoyingly exuded from the tree. Plus, the tree has buttons to press for sound effects. A parent's dream. Right. Anyway, Jaysen said yes, Rylan could play with it, since the darned thing hasn't worked in a couple of years. Until I put batteries in it.

Soon, Jaysen was in the kitchen too, trying to con Rylan out of his ball. I told Jaysen that he had two balls- Rylan could have one. Jaysen insisted on finding another item to trade Rylan for. As this is happening, I'm noticing the tree periodically inching across the room. Rylan would make a reach for one of the buttons, and Jaysen would move the tree just out of his reach. I told Jaysen he had to share. He refused. I warned that I would have to take it away if he didn't let Rylan play with it too. Still refused. Holding my breath and gritting my teeth because I know what's coming, I take the tree away and put it up on top of the entertainment center.

"My treeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"You can have the tree back when you can share."

"NO! It's my treeeeeee!"

"Jaysen, you need to share with your brother."

Screaming, sobbing, throwing things at me...all of the good stuff from the good ol' days.
I decide to try to ignore the outburst and feed Rylan dinner.

"You can't feed him breakfast! Gimme my tree!"

"Are you going to share?"

"NO!" Throws pillow case at my head. He also proceeded to rip a notepad all over the floor, and throw some toys in the garbage. I told him that he needed to calm down. "NO! I NOT calm down! You get out of my house RIGHT NOW, Mommy!"

He grabbed my arm, bared his teeth, and readied to bite me.

"Jaysen! Bite me, and I will take you straight to your room!" He did this sort of growling thing he does through clenched teeth when he gets mad, then came "I hate you! I HATE YOU!!!"

I just stopped and looked at him. We have been talking about the word "hate", and I've been trying to explain that it's okay to hate broccoli, but we shouldn't hate people. He hated me.

The look on my face must have said something because he immediately said "I'm sorry! I LOVE you!" and put his head in my lap sobbing. The sobbing changed. It became sort of sadder, with more meaning. I stroked his hair, and it was then that I realized...I was wrong.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong. The tree had been a favorite plaything of Jaysen's since he was a baby. Aside from his video tapes, it's the only toy that he still plays with on a regular basis. He loves that tree, and now that it worked, it was like an old friend came back. I expected him to share it with his little brother, who drools, puts things in his mouth, and tears things apart.

Crap. How do I fix this now?

I decided to still have Jaysen calm down. It took awhile, but once he did, I got the tree down and told him yes, it was his toy, and if he didn't want to share it with Rylan, to please play with it in his bedroom. He was so happy to get the tree back, that thing hasn't left his bedroom since.

The rest of the day was awesome. Good moods for everyone, playing together, and just enjoying being a family. Oh well, maybe next year will be my chance at the "Mom of the Year" award.

Would You, Could You, In The Dark?

Well, we're on day two with no power. Apparently the torrential storm (which lasted all of 15 minutes) was enough to knock out the whole block.

Jaysen was upset that he couldn't watch his video, and took his aggression out on Moppi. Poor Moppi- she always seems to get the brunt of the physical lashings. Which concerns me, as Jaysen hasn't had any major physical outbursts since starting the med- except with Moppi. I know my mom can be intense, and she really doesn't understand the internal workings of Jaysen, but it still concerns me that he is relying on aggression to express his frustration.

Last night, Jaysen wanted to watch TV. I reminded him that the electricity was out. He said "Oh, okay. Let's go basement and play computer." I explained that the computer didn't work either. He looked at the stove (no clock), looked at the microwave (no display), looked in the fridge (no light), and declared "this house is broken!" (He was so serious, that I had to stifle my laughter while suggesting we play a game.)

We played a game called "If...Then..." (awesome game for developing lateral thinking and expressive language skills, as well as social situations), had pizza for dinner, lit some candles, did our bedtime routine, and went to bed.

Ugh...no air...hot...stop touching me...ugh...move over...I'm sleeping in my own bed if you're insisting on the comforter...yuck, your hair's wet...you don't need long jamma pants...still hot...can't sleep...why are you so sweaty?...I'll get you some water...scootch by the wall, it's cooler...it's too hot for covers...close your eyes before sweat drips in them and turns them orange...Jaysen...oh...you're asleep.

Okay- so I did get to move back to my own bed before I melted into a sloppy pool of grouchiness.

Still no power today- Companion is taking the kids to McDonald's to play. Maybe they'll go to the library after. Jaysen loves the library, and Rylan loves to be read to. Why is it that all the "story times" are during the day while people are at work? All of the stinkin' programs at our library are always on a Tuesday or Thursday at 10am or something equally as crappy for working parents. Fine. I don't need your stinkin' story time. I can read to my own kids- Hooked on Phonics worked for me.