Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Jaysen, I'm sorry I mess with you so much.
I'm sorry that although people often refer to me as a "saint" (which ironically irritates the hell out of me), I have done "less than saintly" things.
But there are many times that you back me against a wall, and I don't always know how to react in the best way. Like last night.

It was one of those days, and I'd just had enough.
Parenting is challenging on its own, and you not only require parenting, but creative parenting. Creative parenting sometimes means exploring outside of the norm.
Even our norm.
I have to keep you on your toes too, y'know.

So last night, when you were mad at me and screamed "you don't live here anymore!"
And I just looked at you and said "oh... then I'd better go find my house"?
And walked out the door at 8pm?

Yeah, I was really just around the back of the house.
After a minute, I heard you come to the garage door and call for me.
I didn't respond because I needed a minute to myself.
I heard you call for me throughout the house.
I didn't respond because I wanted to see what you would do.
I suppose I was hoping for a real-life lesson about how words affect people.
But when I did come in, shortly after that-
And we crashed into each other coming around the corner?
And you had on your winter coat all zipped up and your boots on?
I knew right then that you did care.
You were coming to look for me.
In the dark and in the snow.
I knew that when you hugged me and said you were sorry over and over again,
And told me that you loved me,
That you meant it.
And that made me feel so proud of you.
And it made me feel so loved.

Do I think you will continue to say things that you don't really mean? Yes.
Would I do that again? Maybe, but probably not. You're smart, and will eventually learn to lock the door.
Do I think you learned any kind of lesson? Not really.
Did I? Absolutely.


Casdok said...

sniff...that was so touching.

You handled that really well :)

Ashley's Mom said...

Awww, that brought tears to my eyes. You did great!

babs m said...

I loved this. It's that scene from "Rain Man" when Tom Cruise stops the car on the highway and just has to take a minute to scream. We have it here several times a week. I hope we can be as patient but realistic as you when it's our turn. And that we leave a warm sweater by the door...just in case. :)

Goldie said...

lol, hilarious and sweet and kinda sad too.

Bobbi said...

Awww, how sweet. How nice he was coming to look for you.

Marla said...

this one made me cry. I have had similar things happen so many times. Last night was rough for us as well. Wonder what that is about?

M hit me really hard and said some not so nice things. I knew she was out of control but it kept going on and on. I was getting tired and impatient. Times like that are so tough and when they go on for days it gets even harder. We are not perfect but we do our best.


mom2spiritedboy said...

HUGS - I've been there too. However, mine did lock me out. hmmm, I guess I learnt my lesson. Then HE learnt a lesson when I proceeded to BREAK DOWN THE DOOR to get back in. Well, I learnt two lessons - do not leave the kid in the house where he can lock me out and two, I am strong!

I often wonder why I am so tired at night - mentally not physically. It really is all the creative parenting going on.

kia (good enough mama) said...

Aw, babe. I'm so sorry. I totally get this. I had a similar day today. LM told me Santa wasn't going to bring me anything good because I was bad to him. Heartbreaking. Hang in there!

Jodi said...

I have SO been there! My daughter used to scream at me that she wanted a new mommy. I would then offer to take her shopping for a new one. That would usually leave her speechless for a few minutes.

Bonnie said...

Oh how I can empathize with you girl!

Nicki said...

It may seem mean, but it sounds like a good lesson was learned! Maybe a FEW lessons!
1. Don't say things you don't mean, because words hurt.
2. Appreciate your mother!
3. Mommy ALWAYS comes back!

Unfortunately it would never work in my house. They definitely WOULD lock the door!

Tanya @ Teenautism said...

Something must be in the air - I've had altercations with both my kids in the last two days.

That's so sweet that Jaysen was coming to look for you. I don't know if mine would!

Anonymous said...

This really touched me, as did many of the responses from your readers. I tell ya, we are all living parts of the same life. On my end, my son and I (and daughter) had 2 really bad mornings catching the bus scenarios this week. I felt bad most of 2 mornings...and joked it off with my co-workers, without elaborating, that I lost my mom of the year award (again) this morning. Thanks for being so honest. It helps.

therextras said...

Wasn't it a full moon last week? -At least I won't call you St. Dearest- ever. again. Barbara

Troy Verbrugge said...

I sympathized with you and I am also in awe with your love for Jaysen. We also have an autistic son and we understand how hard it is and also how easy it is too lose patience. Keep up the good work with your son, you are an excellent mom!