2011

~Happy 2011~

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy

New Year!

We gots big plans for you, 2011...

Love,

Us.

Moar reasons December rox...

What was probably the lonliest Christmas I have evar had, also had some supergreat highlights.
The first being that I was drunk dialed at 11:30pm on Christmas Eve, by 2 British women. They were hilarious, as they were having a blast at what sounded to be like a huge party, and wished me not only a Merry Christmas, but a Happy Hanukkah too! Made.My.Night. I hope they call back on New Year's. I love drunk people leaving messages for other people on my machine. I'm bizarre like that.

And, and, AND.....
Anyone familiar with The Friendship Circle (shout-out to Dani and Little Bird), knows this is an awesome place. How awesome is awesome? Awesome.

But what makes it even awesomer-er-er-er-er, is if you look at the calendar they put out.

Check out December.
The kid in the middle?
That's mine.

*beaming*

Rock the J.Geils.

We wish you a fuzzy Christmas...

We have two new additions to our family this Holiday Season~
I would like to introduce to you Phineas and Sosi!....

Phineas is a rescue kitty, kind of. Well, he is a rescue kitty, but his foster home was a really posh coture cat boutique. So don't feel all that horrible for him. Haha. Phinny is hilarious. Not only is he completely laid back, he is GI-FREAKIN-NORMOUS. This kitty is solid. Like a rock. Ashford and Simpson got nuthin' on my phatt boy.

I am quick to tell people that I fell love at first sight with Mr. Phineas, and while I did...the real reason I adopted him was because yay! Finally someone with a bigger ass than me!

Okay...meet Phinn!

Lookit this fayce!

We work out together all the time...

Best buddies...

Which brings me to TBML. The Beautiful Miss Lilac.
Lilac was a rescue from a vet hospital. She was caught in a trap, and has 3 1/2 legs. Jaysen was hesitant about having a kitty with 3 legs. He kept thinking she was going to bleed all over the place. I had to explain to him that she was well healed, and assured him there would be no blood. He was okay with it, and came with me to pick her up.

I was trying to think of names for her- I loved the name Isosceles, "Sosi" for short. So I was calling her Sosi. Except... every time I called her Sosi, Jaysen would correct me "Mom...her name is Lilac". Uh...yeah.

Those of you who know me in real life, know I cannot have a cat named Lilac. Lilac? Seriously? No. I name my pets after serial killers. I've had Gacy, Albert, Dahmer, Henry... I cannot have a cat named Lilac. Ugh.

Yet, my son insists.
And he usually wins.
So it's Lilac. Kind of. I made the rule that if he insists on Lilac, we must preface it with "The Beautiful Miss". But I still call her Sosi. Sometimes I get confused and call her Lily. And yes, he still corrects me. Whatever her name is, she is itty-bitty, and the sweetest thing ever!

So here she is...The Beautiful Miss Lilac, Isosceles, Lily-girl.

Tired Sosi-grrrl...

Is never too tired for some kitty-love!

Where is mah foots?

Who needs a foots when you have eyeballs that shoot laser beams?!?


May your Christmas be this warm and fuzzy too!

Happy Holidays!

Shyt you never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever want to hear your kid say...

Jaysen.
Trying to unscrew the battery cover to a plug-n-play game.
He is not having much luck.

"Hey mom...why don't you give this a try? You're the best screwer ever."


Uh...

Yule 2010

Is here. With a lunar eclipse.
How cool is that?
Way.

Happy Yule, everyone...

Love,
Chez Quirk

~BB~

This year's ornament courtesy of my newly found Pagan sister, Owlene.
And to those whom I am missing... I love you dearly.

birfday boy part deux

It's fun to be 4!

Supafly is 4!

HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY

RYLAN!!!

We love you so very much!

Cheeseball...

Another reason my children will need more therapy...

Jaysen's lunch.

New strategy.

Reads: Magic carrots. Only eat if you want super-speed.

Love, Mom

Reads: Evil Cookie of Doom.

Love, Mom

Yeah, it didn't work either, but I had to give it a shot.

He called the shit, poo.

Remember the Black Cloud o' Doom that I have inherited? The one that follows me everywhere? The one that I can't catch a break from?
Yeah....that one.
It striketh again.
And has possessed the soul of The Red One.

Friday, I noticed a little puddle on the floor of the basement. It was coming from a pipe, and since this is new construction, I have no idea which pipes lead to what, or what comes from which pipes. But it was small, I figured that with all the water I had been using, it just overshot the drain.

Oh no. I should have known better.
Because Saturday came, and there was a whole lotta water in the basement. And it stunk. Like a men's bathroom at a seedy gas station. Or Comerica Park. Or my ex-hubby. Hmm.

Upon closer inspection, it became evident that the gods of all that is freaktabular bestowed onto me, the gift of a backed up sewer. How awesome is that. So I was standing in shitwater. Literally. So disgusting.

I debated about calling the plumber that night or the next day, but when started to be able to identify what was floating in the water, I decided to call. Of course it was after hours. Of course it was a weekend. Of course it was a holiday weekend. Of course that meant a buttload of extra money. Christ-in-a-hotdog-bun.

Plumber came out from 6-8p. And $500 later, he said my pipes looked good except for the pair of underwear clogging the drain to the sewer. Oh and bytheway I'm going to have to replace the carpeting, because "that is never coming out". Wait, back up...underwear??? Um...yeah. When I was gloating about Rylan starting to potty train? Well gloating comes back to bite you in the ass. That karma thing, ya know. I was a freaking oblivious lying idiot, because he ditched his skivvies in the toilet. He has also tried to flush numerous rolls of toilet paper. Full rolls.

So he's grounded until he's 12.
And not allowed to wear underwear unless they're made of duct tape.

I wish you a caffeinated Christmas.

Hope every one's Turkey Day was superawesomefantabulous!

Yum.

Know what time it is now?


Yeah, yeah, yeah...put up the tree, shopping frenzy, etc... but this is a very special time. A highly anticipated time. A holy time in the Quirk household...

It's time...for...Starbucks Christmas Blend! *gasp*

Behold a caffeinated miracle.

Isn't it....beautiful?

*sigh*

For those who are not aware of the Starbucks Christmas Blend...this stuff is magical, yo.
Case in point- I make some Christmas Blend, have a few cups, and ohmigawd....I want to clean my house. Top to bottom. I love this shiz.

Jaysen thinks I'm nuts.
I spent about $80 in coffee.
I just may be nuts.

But it's Starbucks Christmas Blend!
And no, I am not receiving any compensation for this post-
I just lurve. it. this. much.

Ahh... I love the holiday season.

A word on love.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman


I love me some Neil Gaiman.

Just sayin'...

That Reese's pieces are a sad substitute for Reese's peanut butter cups.

Meh.

Yay Rylan!

Dear Rylan,

You are the world's best potty-trainer. Evar.

Love,
Mom

*breathe*

It's never easy. Having that talk.
The one where no matter how you word it, it's going to potentially crush their little worlds. Change them forever. So many questions. Is this the right thing? How do you know? How did this all happen so fast? Am I effing up my kids? Am I being an asshole?

Companion and I have decided to split.
We had a plan. We didn't really stick to the plan. It kinda catapulted into fast-forward maximum overdrive.
We officially told the kids last night.
We went through the whole "Mom and Dad are going to live in different houses", "We both love you very much", "There will be times when you stay with Mom, and other times you will stay with Dad", "Dad's apartment is really cool and has an indoor swimming pool" "Dad would really like if you helped him decorate his place with pictures you draw"......
And I think they understood.

I think.

Jaysen didn't really react as I had expected, although I'm not really sure what I expected... We told him over dinner. He listened, and didn't really have any questions other than if I was going to stay in the house with him. He was excited to hear about the pool. But it was a hesitated kind of excitement. When he was finished eating, he said "I'm going to get Rylan. You tell him what you just told me". That was a pretty bold statement. It told me that he understood the basis of what's going on. He understood the importance. I'm preparing for the real questions to come in a few days. Processing.

Processing.
Processing.
Processing.

9

Happy 9th Birthday Jaysen!!!!!

You are so very loved by so many people. But mostly, by me.
Which is totally special because...well, because it's me.

You are so very awesome. You amaze me every day with how far you've come, and how much you are maturing. I still remember those days when I would kiss your little bald head and breathe in your sweet baby-smell. Now, you kind of have that Justin Bieber hair thing going, and often smell like sweat socks.

But I love you, Bear.
And every year, this day is so very special to me, because I am reminded that it is you who made me what I am today. Because the day you were born is also the day I became a mom. And that is the greatest gift in the world.

Happy Birthday, Jaysen!
Party like a rockstar.

Announcement

The Red One?

Is totally potty training.

Life is good.

Oh Em Gee.

I know I've gushed on and on about The Awesome School Jaysen is currently in. Even (half) joked about wanting his I-Team to follow him through college.

Just received the Best.News.Evar as it relates to school.

I was fretting because after school tweaking around with budgeting, this is Jaysen's last year at The Awesome School. This year has been such a success, I really just wanted onemoreyear, just to have that positive experience. Alas, the school only goes up to 4th grade now. Which makes this a transition year. We all know how much we lurve transitions.... Since the next transition is to upper elementary for grades 5 and 6, it makes the whole upper elementary school experience a whole transitional clusterfeck. Nerves...worry...anxiety...gaping chasm in the ground swallowing me up.....

But!

I received a personal phone call from Jaysen's Resource Room teacher. Y'know the one who digs my kid for who he is, appreciates him, encourages him, and has faith in him? Also doesn't put up with his crap? Yes, the magical faerie-like teacher whom I probably owe my life to...okay, well at least my sanity...

Well, she called to let me know that she accepted a job as a counselor....at the upper elementary school! Uh...did I hear that correctly? Jaysen's not losing his Team, he's actually gaining them for another 2 years! Whoot! She also confirmed that we will need V, the sp.ed district head to attend Jaysen's transition IEP meeting, to ensure he follows the kids he is with now (as we are not at our home school).

Seriously peeps, I almost collapsed.

She's going to be a fabulous counselor. I honestly can't think of anyone better for such a job. Srsly, she already does that a good portion of the time.

So Yay! Congrats, magical faerie-teacher!
Spread your glitter and cupcakes all over the upper elementary!
You will be awesome and rawk it like you always do!

And yay for 2 more years of success!

Um...wow.

4th grade is.........AMAZING!
I am happy to report that Jaysen is off to a great start this year- in school, and at home.

His parapro reports that his anxiety/frustration level is way down this year, and when he does have difficulty, he is using strategies to help diffuse himself.

Wow.

At home, I am seeing a happy, social kid, but also a helpful one. I can't even begin to tell you how helpful Jaysen has become. He follows directions with little to no grumbling, and will do things like get himself ready for bed, or get dressed in the morning, without me even having to ask him.

Wow.

He is helping his brother cope when his little 3 year old temper flares. He helps him get ready for bed. He asks his opinion on what movie he would like to watch. He takes turns with him when they play the Wii. He answers Rylan's incessant questioning. He encourages him, and tells him he's doing a good job. He tells him to have a good day when he leaves for pre-school.

Wow.

He's also more accepting of the suckier things in life. Like dentist appointments, homework, taking medication, and bedtime.

Wow.

That is not to say my son is perfect. He is my son, after all...
He still has bouts of frustration. He still gets lippy, and he still doesn't know how to constructively express or deal with certain emotions, but he's actively working on it. And you can see it in his face when he is truly making an effort.

Wow.

He also informed me, "Mom...your little boy is growing up."
Yes, sweetheart......he certainly is.
*sniffle*

First day of school - fourth grade

Dear Fourth Grade,

Why did you sneak up on me and bite my ass at 10pm last night? Didn't you know that all the good school supplies were already gone? That was not very nice of you.

~Momzilla

Space Cadet

Damn. I miss you guys.
I'm sorry I've been spacing and not updating, like, at all....
But guess what today is?

It's move in day!

Yay! One year, two months and two days later- I get my house back!
We can actually say we are home!
And that is an awesome feeling.

I promise, after we get settled, I will post pics.
You are going to lurve...

Still clicking my heels...

Update? Sure.....

Haven't written much for a variety of reasons- nothing much to write, not much time to write, and just plain ol' don't feel like it lately. Meh.

Anyway, the house is still not done.
Our landlord flipped out and booted us, so now we're staying for 2-3 weeks in a hotel. It's actually not that bad. They're suites, so there's a kitchenette and two bedrooms. It's small, but there's places to "escape" when necessary. Also? There's a pool. So Jaysen is happy.

Speaking of Happy-Jaysen, he is doing great with the help of the Abilify. He seems more able to process things, is more reasonable, and just seems...happier. More at-ease.

Hand?
Still sucks. Seems the suckage is getting more and more. I really need to see a pain doctor to get a handle on this, because "toughing it out" is making me a mega-bitch. And this hyper-sensitivity? Oh yes, I now know (on a smaller scale) what some of our kids are going through- and it's no joke. This can be some painful stuff.

Jaysen is not participating in ESY this year, which is fine with me as it really didn't do much for him anyway. Instead, he is attending a camp through the YMCA, and has only complained a few times about going. He has basically gone the whole summer at this camp! Huge.

Still looking forward to our Charlevoix trip in a couple weeks! :)
Whoot.

P.S. I am totally NOT freaking out that summer is almost over and there's back-to-school stuff stalking me everywhere I go. See? Thisismetotallynotfreakingout....

Things you would have heard this morning if you were a fly on my wall...

Rylan: (two fingers intently pointed on the sides of his head) Mommy! These are my nipples!
Me: Um...no, sweetie. Those are your temples.


Jaysen: Mom......where's my Abilify?!?
'Bout knocked me to the ground...never thought I'd ever hear something like that in a million years...

Skillz with pillz

Against my better judgement, I am totally going to post some superfantabulous news, about a superfantabulous gain we have made.

Hold onto your stickybuns, because this is HUGE.

So, you know my son...the one with sensory issues, who only eats things that he deems non-vomit-inducing? Okay, and we also know his sensory issues cross over into medications. No oral medications (makes him all barf-o-rama), has resulted in M-tabs and suppositories.

Jaysen was off meds for about a month. He started to get tweaky, so we revisited the med route. Upon familial suggestion (don't you just lurve that?!?), we tried Intuniv. Don't try this at home folks...my kid was berzerker. Like not a funny hyper berzerker... mean joe green berzerker. After only 4 days, we switched him to Abilify. Muuuuch better.

Huh?
What's that? Abilify comes in pill form?
Yes..... I know.

I had been prepping him for the meds... up until now, I had been able to successfully sneak him the Risperdal, but I wanted him to be informed as to what was going on and why he was taking these medications. Of course he bucked, but when I explained that the med was to help him not be so angry, and he might like how it makes him feel balanced, he said he would try it.

We spent the night before practicing swallowing pills using Skittles.
He thought it was funny and was really proud he could do it.

When it came time to "go live"....
Went without a hitch.
Perfect.
He even made a big production out of it.

If that's not awesome in its own right, here's what he said to me at bedtime-
"Mom...thank you for practicing me the Skittles...it helped awesome."

And now... he has taken it every day, on his own (with parental supervision).

The Unveiling...

Ladies and Gentlemen...
I take great pride and pleasure in being able to introduce to you, for the first time in....
well... a superlong time...

*drumroll*

My Left Hand!

Totally exciting, I know. But there is no cast, no splint, and I can go commando with my hando.
It still hurts like a.... well, yeah. And I still can't feel anything, so my fine motor is shot. I can't even sense hot or cold as of yet. The rest of my hand, however, is hypersensitive. And let me tell you that is bizarre!

So...still healing, there are ROM exercises to be done and desensitizing to accomplish, all in time.

But for now... I can totally almost hold a beer bottle.
My goal for the summer.
And we all need goals.

Snot fun.

Seriously...
Allergies are killin' me.
I've never had seasonal allergies, ever- until a couple of years ago.
I don't know how people actually live like this.
I want to gouge my eyeballs out and slough my nose off with sandpaper.
Ugh.
This sucks.
It's 3:30 am, and I can't sleep because the suckage in my face is so bad.
Because seasonal allergies are so new to me, I have no idea what the eff I'm even allergic to, or even how to treat it.
Yes, I'm taking medication...no it's obviously not working.
Meh.

*still holding*

Just a quick blurb here...more like a rant really...

I have to say that it irritates me to no end when people know Jaysen is med-free, and any little behavioral glitch (or big one), the first thing out of their mouths is, "time to go back on meds?"

Really?
Because had you not known he was off meds, you would have thought he was just having a "rough day". But when he's off meds, we almost look for things to go wrong. We want to find them and blame them on something. If it's worse off meds, then it can be fixed by meds, and if meds can fix him....
If you really paid attention to him closely, and not just when he is off of the meds- you would notice that the behaviors and attitudes that are so glaringly obvious to you now? He was doing 2-3 weeks ago. A month ago. Last year. On meds.
So, no.

I will, however, be revisiting the issue with his psychiatrist- who by the way, isn't you... to discuss his medication situation.

Thank you, Detroit.

*holding my breath*

Because we all know I just miss the Mom of the Year award by thismuch every year...

I was noticing Jaysen was running low on his meds. And by running low, I mean holy shit-potatoes Batman, I should have refilled this 3 days ago. So I jet on over to the pharmacy. As I was entering the store, something made me look down. Know what I saw???

-NO REFILLS-

Oh my effing Buddha burrito.
You've GOT to be shitting me.
Nope. Not shitting me.

Okay. I can handle this. Let's think. Yeah, wake up other half of brain...
Rational Me: Ohai! I'm here.
Me: Kay. I totally need you. Jaysen's outta meds. His behavior has been really tweaky lately- which means possibly, there needs to be a med re-eval. Possibly a different med? Maybe we should just see how he does off of them?
RM: Are. You. Kidding. Me? Don't you remember the last time you did this, and he was bonkers? Hyper like a spider monkey washing down crack with a Mountain Dew? Hyper like stayed up all night? Hyper like pulling couch cushions off constantly, and nobody had anywhere to sit?
Me: Yeah, but he's got one pill left... I could split it and get one day out of it...
RM: Or... you could call the doctor to call in a week's worth until you can get him in.
Me: But the weight gain and blood draws...
RM: The physical aggression... he's big now. That punch would hurt. For real.
Me: ...yeah... Okay, I'll give it a few days and really watch him.
RM: Oy...

So... we're on day 4 of no meds.
I can report that there is little to no difference.
I can also report that there have been some instances where he would usually "go off", and he has started to, but then walked away, and returned calmer.

Example: He was playing a video game that was frustrating him. He did some self harming, hitting and biting (keep in mind he was doing these sib's prior to no meds), but then he got up from the game, went outside and got the mail from the mailbox, came back in the house, and turned off the game, and watched TV instead.

*blink blink* I know.

Another example? I received word from Jaysen's camp counselor that while at the park... "Jaysen was threatened by another (non-camper) boy. Jaysen handled the situation wonderfully."

*huge proud cheesy grin*

Keep him in your thoughts as we fare through this interesting trial!

Found!

And this is why I'm a Daddy's Girl...

Thank you, Dad...

I love you!

And...then you have days like these...

"Jaysen, are you ready for bath?"

"Yes. I want to relax...you don't come in."

Awww...kid wants to relax in privacy...

~Fast forward about 10 minutes~

*clink, clank*

"Uhh... Jaysen? You okay in there?"

"Yes. I inna baff."

"I don't hear water, are you sure you're in the bath?"

"Yes inna baff..." *clink clank*

Knocking as I'm opening the door, only to find standing on a step stool at the mirror... my naked sparkling son, with all of my necklaces on, trying on my rings, smelling like grape Hello Kitty body spray.

I didn't know whether to laugh out loud, or try to hold it all in.

Then he told me he used my deodorant.

So I started cracking up.

And he did too.

'Inna baff' my arse...
Ahhh... I love our bonding days.

SIBs suck.

Some of you will immediately recognize the following.
Others, I hope will understand why sometimes the circles under my eyes are so dark, or why I may seem preoccupied...

What would you do...... if you noticed marks on your child's body like this?

Or this?.........

Now.....what if the marks were self-inflicted?

No matter how seasoned I become as a parent, SIBs (Self Injurious Behaviors) are still one of the most heart-wrenching things for me to witness. This is not the first time for us, nor is it the last, but it never gets easier no matter how many times you bear witness to your child self harming.

Jaysen's frustration and anxiety, coupled with his inability to self-regulate, create an emotional abattoir to which the only acceptable release is to launch into a physical attack on himself. Usually the incidents are short-lived, but with repeated blows, he carries the bruises for days, if not weeks.

My heart carries the trauma much longer.

The part that tears me apart is, I am utterly helpless. I can't help him. I can't stop him. I can't make it better, or take the pain away. I can only try to keep him safe at the time. Try to make sure there is as minimal damage inflicted as possible.

Because I know I am not alone in dealing with this...

Extra love to you all dealing with the same.

Sweet surprise

I've said before, how although I may have never met my blog friends in real life, they are truly friends. When in the midst of a seemingly-endless dark chasm, out shines a brilliant ray of sunshine...that's a friend.

Friends just "know" when something's wrong.
Friends support you when you feel weak.
Friends help pick you up when you are down.
Friends help you see the light when you feel surrounded by darkness.
Friends send you gourmet hand dipped chocolate covered strawberries.....

Oh yes...they do...

Joeymom is the best. No, really, she is as awesome as they come.
Sure, she has a rockin' blog, but more importantly, she is genuine.
I love her.
And not in a creepy mom-crush way.
Okay, maybe a little like that.
Or it could be the pain-meds talking.

Anybuzz, she also told me I didn't have to share.
So I'm not.

Thank you, Joeymom!!!!!
You totally and absolutely made my day.

Thank you for just "knowing".

Back to the OR... *update*

Well.... I wish I had some good news to report, but it seems my black cloud o' doom has morphed into a vortex.

A few weeks back when gouged my hand on the lid to a can of green beans? Yeah. Apparently I severed the ulnar nerve. Come to find out that not only is that not a good thing, it is actually quite the opposite of a good thing.

I found all of this out yesterday. I go in for surgery tomorrow.
Quick? Yes. Opposite of good.
The surgery is in hopes to reattach the nerve. This in turn, is in hopes of returning "protective sensation" to my hand- meaning the ability to discern hot and cold. Helpful, but I'd really like some function back. And to take away the pain from the neuroma. That would be nice too.

But noooooo!.....
Because I do things grandiose, I was also diagnosed with CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome), formerly known as RSD. In a nutshell, this means my nerve and brain are not communicating, and if something touches my hand, my brain tells my entire body that it is in pain. Literally. The doc tapped my hand, and I jumped out of my chair at the electric lightening bolt that coursed up my left arm, through my chest, and down my right arm. I told the doc that whoever came up with that test was an asshole, and I wasn't sure I really liked him anymore either. It didn't matter because the shiz is permanent. Which made my day so much, I cried tears of joy. That wasn't joy? Oh. Then I must have been crying for reals because permanent pain? Who wouldn't love that?

The surgery will not restore function or feeling (other than hot/cold) to my hand area, but it will hopefully alleviate the pain. OR.... it could make the pain, Teh Pain. Teh Pain sucks. I could develop full blown CRPS, which I know is horrible, because Dollface developed it after her surgery. This is where the hand changes colors, textures, and is so sensitive to anything that even air blowing across it, sends you into extreme pain overload. And?... I'm high risk. Not everyone gets full blown CRPS, but it affects mostly women, and even more so emotional women. I'm so screwed. Since they are aware that I am high risk, I'll be monitored closely. If I do start to develop symptoms, they will haul my ass into PT and attempt desensitization. Fabulous.

I have to have the surgery- I can't have a severed nerve just chillin' in my hand. And my docs (first and second opinions) both think the benefits outweigh the risks, and I am trusting them. So. Once again, I am calling on you, my lovely readers and friends, for your positive thoughts.

I will update when I am able.
Wish me luck and stay away from evil cans of green beans!

And somebody please find that damn voodoo doll...

*******UPDATE*******

Surgery went well- Once he got in there, he found my nerve had wrapped itself around, and attached to, a vein and a ligament. Sounds pretty gruesome. Other than that, everything went according to plan. Jaysen is still processing, but I think the huge wrapping and sling are giving him the visual cues he needs. Lol.

Like dis...

Persistance really does pay off.

Four years!
It took four years, but LOOK what I found in Jaysen's lunch box!...

Peeps. Are you able to comprehend the magnitude of this feat?!?
My child...my food-issue child...actually ATE an apple.
By his own free will.
I know!
Take a minute to catch your breath because yesterday, there was THIS...

I know!
And just when you thought it couldn't get any better...
Today!...

Alright, so he didn't do as good of a job on today's, but still.
This is huge.
Jaysen, I am so proud of you!

As far as the rest of that apple...
Enter the clean up crew.

Bon appetit!

It's getting dark in here.

I can't seem to find the time lately, to stay up on posting.
I read all of your blogs, yet can't find the energy to make entries on this one.
Ugh.

There's a lot of things going on now- most of them not very good.
For example, my kids have been abducted by aliens and replaced with sassy, back-talking, fighting, aggressive heathens. Jaysen is losing his freakin' mind and Rylan is following in the footsteps of his big brother.

The.Effing.Games.
Jaysen is obsessed with getting a Gameboy Color, now.
Apparently, he neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds one.
Or he may die.
Or hate me for life.

He has a Wii and a DS, so said child is by no means deprived.
The Gameboy is relatively cheap (used), but I have no idea how much the games are.
The kicker is, he just wants it for one game.
Mario something-or-other.
That he has for the DS, but it's available for a Gameboy, so now he wants to play it on a Gameboy.

I do not want to purchase a Gameboy just so he can play this one game.

Reason number two is, The Games? They bring out The Crazy in him.
Seriously.
If he is playing a game and something doesn't go as planned, this boy will Lose.His.Shit.
He's going to give himself a stroke.

He starts tantrumming, redfaced, screaming, tears, jumping up and down like the Holy Ghost is in him, and becomes self-injurious and destructive. He's even starting to leave bruises on his face from the SIBs. And they're way more intense than before.

It's not a typical Jaysen-ASD-style-Tantrum though. These are quick. Almost out of nowhere. An intense burst of raw anger. So much anger. So out of control.
It's not only no fun, it's scary.
I know it's coming from somewhere- that he's trying to tell me something that I'm just not connecting with- but I'm at such a loss.

He's also been acting out in school, destroying things when he gets angry or upset, so it's pretty much across the board, and not just at home.

The only thing I got for Mother's Day, was a painting he did in school.
Yesterday, he ripped it to shreds because I told him he needed to calm down if he wanted to continue his Wii game.

Nice, thanks.

My hand is killing me.
You cannot even imagine how much this nerve damage stuff hurts.
So now I have to deal with The Crazy, on top of The Frankenhand.

I am holding fast to the idea that there is someone out there who has a voodoo doll of me, and is abusing the hell out of it.

If you see them, please poke them with sticks until they stop.
I would totally do it for you.

Mommy~dearest now with Frankenhand grip! Order now and receive 6 stitches free!

Mercury is obviously retrograde- but it's getting more difficult to tell, because it seems I just can't catch a break. Ever. Like not since 1978 or so.

Maybe all this craptastic stuff is happening for a reason.

Maybe I'm going to be rewarded with something huge.

Or maybe it's a sign I should resign this blog.

Maybe someone cursed me.

Whatever's going on, it needs to stop.

Because really?

I was just trying to open a can of green beans, not audition as a Gorefest 2010 hand model.

Behold The Frankenhand...

Am sexxxy to even the undead now.

*Crickets*

I'm still here. I think. Just haven't had much time (or energy) to write.
The bright side is that although the kids are whoopin' my arse, there hasn't been much to report, so that's good news, right?

Keeping it real, the kids are berzerker.
Like, omg-who-is-slipping-them-energy-drinks-behind-my-back kind of berzerker.
The Fighting. I cannot take The Fighting.
And I would like to personally thank those who taught my children the finer points of The Whining. They are professionals now. Probably black belts.

I do not know which is worse- The Fighting, or The Whining.
They both drive me batshit insane.

As if my emotional zombies weren't enough, I am completely fatigued from the surgery. It was over a month ago, but I guess the fatigue can last for up to a year? Yeah, thanks for that little forewarning there, guys! Ugh.

I'd bitch more, but I.Am.Exhausted.
Hope to post more regularly soon...

Carnival's up!

Pssst...
Go check out the blog carnival over at TherExtras.

CafePress and Autism awareness efforts

I'm torn.
I love CafePress. I mean love.
I have many of their products.
CafePress is having a promotion in acknowledgement of Autism Awareness month.
A portion of the proceeds for their "Autism gear" will go to Autism Speaks.
Yeah, Autism Speaks.

At first, I was all "heck no, I can't support that".
Then I was all "I wonder why they chose Autism Speaks"?
Now I'm all "I wonder if they even know anything about Autism Speaks versus any other Autism organization such as the ASAN or Autism Society?"

I've decided to post this anyway, because as an Autism advocate, I feel it is my job to help educate. I sent a response email to the woman who originally contacted me, asking why CafePress decided to support Autism Speaks (among other things). Sadly, I have not received a response as of yet.

So.
You may support Autism Speaks. You may not.
It's obviously your choice to make.
It's also your choice whether to buy from CafePress during this promotion or not.
Maybe even shoot them an email. I did.

Carnivals and coffee!

She did it again!
That silly woman over at TherExtras let me into another one of her Blog Carnivals.
Still no cotton candy... Barbara, are you listening?????

Anyway, Barbara is awesome. She's a therapist, who should probably have a newly founded credential, because she does it all- PT, OT, and although she probably doesn't realize it- SW. And she's smart. And opinionated. And a mom. All wrapped up into a crispy tempura...oh wait- that was my lunch.

I know doods, she totally let me in on her own accord.
I didn't have to buy a ticket or anything.

The topic of the Carnival is Childhood Expressions. So I am reposting two submissions of stuff my kid says that make my face squish up all funny, then I "get it".

New Math
Jaysen: "Let Rylan come out and play with us!"
Me: "No...he just had a bath, and I don't want him to get all dirty. Plus, it's his bedtime."
Jaysen: "Equals what?"
Me: ...huh?
Jaysen: "Equals what?"

Plus it's his bedtime. Got it.


The Case of the Mysterious Thumb-Foot
Jaysen has a hangnail on his big toe. He won't let me try to "get" it, for fear it will hurt worse, so for the last three days, he has been through a battalion of Spongebob band-aids. This morning, he was awkwardly bent over his foot.

"Jaysen, what are you doing?"
"I'm putting Spongebob on my thumb-foot."
His thumb-foot? Ah... I got it.

If you want to read more about the crazy stuff that comes out of my kid's mouth, click the "Jaysen-ish" link on my sidebar.

Be sure to stop by TherExtras and say hi to Barbara!
Tell her mommy~dearest sent you! I hear she has some new tattoos!
Oh wait, that's a rumor I made up about her. Okay, forget the tattoo.
Touche Barbara! Love you and have a great carnival!

I??? Am totally laying off the coffee now...

Honest Scrap Award

Mom2spiritedboy at Spirited Blessings tagged me for this award- thank you, thank you, thank you! At least someone still loves me...

I present you with... oh wait. I need to post Teh Rulz first. *sigh* alright.

1- Brag about the award.
2- Include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.
3- Choose a selection of blogs that you find brilliant in honest content.
4- Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.
5- List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Got it? Let's proceed.

10 honest things about me. Well, I'm going to bite on mom2spirited boy and list 10 random (but honest) things.

1- I became peeved that I couldn't just copy and paste Teh Rulz from mom2spiritedboy's blog. I had to actually type them out.

2- I am a natural born cynic (hey- the world needs us too!). Which also makes me a great "devil's advocate" to bounce stuff off of.

3- When I was about 2 or 3 years old, I was pretending to be a surgeon, so I stuck a pair of tweezers into an electrical outlet. Big *boom*, burned my hands- parents had to call the fire dept and everything.

4- I have a love for books. Like serious love for books. I will probably never own a Kindle because part of the whole reading experience for me, is the feel of the book itself.

5- Although I make up my own funkilated words and end sentences in prepositions, I really am a spelling and grammar junkie. It irritates the hell out of me when I see things like "alot" and "could of". In 6th grade, I won the school spelling bee, beating out the 7th and 8th graders. I went on to the State spelling bee, where I lost out to the word "afoul".

6- I have an extreme fear of public speaking. Extreme. Think social phobia. Which is one reason I lost out on the word "afoul". I took a college class in Sign Language when I was in high school- I skipped the final exam because we had to Sign in front of the class.

7- I tend to get into craptastic relationships because I have the bird with the broken wing syndrome.

8- I originally wanted to be a veterinarian. Somewhere down the road, I switched to wanting to be a speech pathologist. I started college with an OT major, toyed with the idea of switching to Linguistics, and eventually graduated with a Bachelors in Sign Language Studies. I wish I would have taken the chance on linguistics, although my dream job would be as an advocate.

9- If I have a semi-full bladder, I pee when I sneeze. Thanks, Rylan.

10- I busted out my 2 front teeth in high school, trying to show off my diving skills. Smacked my face on the bottom of the swimming pool. Was mortified. They're bonded, but I still can't drink red wine or bite into an apple.

11- I have 6 tattoos and 10 piercings. I married my tattoo artist (Jaysen's father) he got me into doing body piercings. I was a professional piercer for almost 10 years. I wished I could have done it full time, but there's no insurance.

12- I'm adopted, and I'm proud of it. I have the most wonderful parents. Love you Moppi and Peepa! It does irritate me when people ask me who my parents are after I've told them Moppi and Peepa, and they say real slowly "nooo... your real parents", or argue with me that my sister is actually my "step" sister. Um...no...you're just a moron.

13- My favorite number is 13.

So there you go. Sorry they're not as interesting as maybe you were expecting, but I'm really quite boring. Just apparently did a lot of stupid shiz in high school. Haha.

And... I tag...

YOU!

There is no word for just how nasty THAT is...

I have to share.
My sister has had a sinus infection, and just finished her antibiotics.
She just emailed me, wanting to know if she should go back to the doctor because of what she blew out of her nose.

Her email subject line was: What is this?

I hid it behind a link just because OMG.
Nasty Shit Outta Sissy's Nose

Try it. You'll like it. Or barf.
Either way... yes Sissy.
Call the doctor- and let them know you just blew 10 I.Q. points into a kleenex.

Not all suckage is bad.

I cannot lie. I am loving my time off from work. Loving it like I-need-to-find-a-rich-husband-so-I-can-be-a-SAHM kind of loving it. I've gotten to see both boy's swim classes, Rylan's music class, been available for Jaysen's school needs, and even gotten to nap. Nap! I know! So please pardon that I've been missing in action, but I've really just been focusing on...me. Enjoying myself (even though I was healing from surgery), and also doing a lot of introspection.
Snapping back to reality, I go back to work on Friday.

And I quit smoking. Again. Which sucks.
I figured now would be a good time, since I was at home on painkillers, and could just sleep when I wanted one- which is exactly what I did. It's funny though- I don't know my actual quit date, since I was so out of it. Whatever. It still sucks.

But here's something that doesn't suck...

Rylan's 3 and a half. He still has a pacifier. His "paci". He really only uses it at home while relaxing or sleeping, but when I say he uses it, he really uses it. That kid sucks on that paci harder than... well, you get the idea.

So it's time to rid him of the paci.

We decided to have a Paci Party. I got decorations and a cake, Moppi and Peepa brought in a wonderful dinner. After dinner, we helped Rylan put all of his pacis into a big manila envelope. he said he wanted to send them into outer space, so I addressed the envelope accordingly. We tied the last paci onto the string of a balloon.

After cake, we all went outside and Rylan put the package into the mailbox. Then he released the balloon and we watched as his last paci floated up, up, up, up... and got stuck in our neighbor's tree. Oh yes- stuck in the damn tree. Luckily, the tree was so high, only the adults realized what happened. As long as the kids don't look too far up, it'll be okay.

He's had a rough couple nights, but it's getting better.
I totally know the withdrawal he's going through.
We're detoxing together.
Now that's love.


The preparation:



Into the mailbox it goes:


The send off:

Running for the paci- second thought anxiety?

Oh shit...

So yay for Ry going to bed commando with no pacifier!

And yay for me for my um-teenth day of not smoking!

So now if you'll excuse me, I'll be enjoying my last 4 days of being temporarily unemployed- trying to figure out another surgical procedure to have, just so I can do this again. Except Jaysen is now on Spring Break. Ugh.

Checking in, be back soon!

Surgery went really well.
Recovery's been a bit slower than expected.

Hope to be back soon!

Friends, a uterus, house drama, and strawberries.

Just going to fill in the blanks of what's been going on at Chez Quirk lately-
Already, this has been a year of tremendous ups and downs.

My 2 best friends (only friends?) moved away- one up north, and the other clear across the country. Boo.

Anyone remember my lovely, and by "lovely" I really mean horrifyingly painful ablation experience? Yeah, well I wasn't one of the lucky 80%. So I'm having a hysterectomy (LSH). Next wednesday. Like a few days from now. Unless I'm still sick, because I now have strep. Lovely. Ugh.

Our house is still not even close to being built. Like the builder doesn't even have the permit yet. Ugh. I'm really starting to stress.

But check out my fantastonishing parenting skills-
Jaysen is putting on way too much weight.
He's now "The Jiggly Kid".

No fun.


Most of his crap-eating is at nighttime. I know. Wonderful timing.
So I mad a firm decision to limit him to ONE bedtime snack (90% of the time it's popcorn).
After said snack, he is only allowed something healthy to snack on, and water.


For those new to this blog, it's important to know that Jaysen has some pretty significant food aversions. He is the carbo-kid. Aside from the baby food I forced down his gullet, he has never, and I mean NEVER eaten a vegetable. Raw, cooked, covered in cheese, pureed, pureed and hidden in food, silly shapes, dipped in a variety of sides... I've tried it all. The times I forced- I mean coerced him, he turned red, eyes watered, and gagged. Not the gagging that you get when you brush your teeth, but gagging like holycrap I.Can't.Breathe! type gagging.

On occasion, Jaysen has been able to choke down red grapes and thinly sliced, peeled, apples.

Anyway, back to my evil plan.

The first few nights, he thought this entertaining little game of mine was a challenge of sorts, and actually went along with it. I love that he humors me. After a few nights of this, he was not amused anymore. He would get into bed, and ask for popcorn, cocoa puffs, cheese its, goldfish, or some other previously allowable bedtime snacky-type foods.

Denied.
You get fruit or veggies, and water.

He begrudgingly agreed to apples. Begrudgingly like I was making the poor kid eat sticks and rocks.

I remember back to the time my kid ate Special K red berries cereal. He wouldn't touch the cereal part, but would pick out the freeze dried strawberries. The next day, I was on a freeze dried strawberry hunt. Love you Trader Joe's!

Now, he gets into bed and says, "Can I have strawberries?"
Aaaaaaabsolutely!

Only problem is the damn things are so expensive! I mean seriously, I can only find them at the one store, and they're almost $4 a bag! And he blows through a bag a day.

So yay! He's eating "good foods" at night!

Messing with a good thing.

They're trying to make me crazy.
The school district, that is.
Everything revolves around budgeting.
No money here, no funding there...
What to do...what to do...
Let's mess with the schools!

The voted on proposal that passed, was to close 4 elementary schools (that's 1/3 of our elementary schools), make the remaining elementaries K-4, have 2 middle schools for grades 5-6, and 2 more for 7-8.
Does that make any sense?
Apparently to someone it does.
*sidenote - One of the schools that's closing, is the craptastic school that treated Jaysen horribly, so... Karma, biatches! *

Jaysen has been doing so well this year, comparatively. I mean so well.
He's staying in the Gen.Ed class almost all day, and tolerating it. He has friends. He's even in an after school tutoring program one day a week.
This is the first year he's actually going to school every day without a fight.

The new plan for our schools means:
Jaysen will only have one more year at The Awesome School. And it will be a transition year, so focus will be put on transitioning, not the things he's just started to work on this year, like increasing his workload tolerance and academics. Dammit- he really needs that extra year at this school.

So. One more year at The Awesome School.
Then he'll go to middle school for 5th and 6th grade.
After 6th grade, he'll go to a different middle school for 7th and 8th grade.
Then to high school for 9th-12th.

That's 3 transitions. And I'm talking transitions in only the physical location sense. I'm not even counting the internal transitions of "new school", "new teachers, peers, classwork, routines, etc".
This is going to be hell on a kid who doesn't transition well.
As soon he gets into a routine and settled, he's going to have to completely switch schools again.
Fuk.

I need to get my advocacy cape back on.
I know this sounds bizarre, but I'm not even sure what it is exactly that I'm preparing to advocate for!
Has anyone else run into anything like this?

Pajama Jam

Tonight there's a Pajama Jam at Jaysen's school. He told me this morning that he'd like to go. I am thrilled with this, as it took some goading with the promise of plastic baby cakes to get him to attend last year's Mardi Gras event.

He's excited.
He's super excited to show all of his friends his new Super Paper Mario pajamas.
The pajamas we just got, because he had to have them to replace the ones lost in the fire.
The pajamas that we got a whole size smaller than he really wears, because that's the biggest size they had. In any pajama.
The pajamas that are skin tight and show his belly.
The pajamas I am desperately trying to talk him out of wearing, with no luck at all.
He's excited.

Jaysen lacks the social awareness of knowing the difference of people laughing with him, or at him. He has "friends" who are backhandedly mean to him. Frenemies. I really don't think wearing these ill-fitting jammas are going to turn out well for him. I'm going to try and talk him into wearing a long hoodie or something, but I know he'll claim he's hot, and want to take it off. To show off his jammas that his kid brother could almost fit into. He has other Mario jammas, but these are new. And they're Super Paper Mario. And he lurvs them. He's even made sure they will be clean for tonight.

And it's not just the lack of social awareness. I remember being teased mercilessly as a kid. It can destroy a person. And it almost did. I don't want my son to be that kid. The reality is, he's going to get teased anyway. I don't want to give kids any more fuel than they already have. I do not want kids to whisper "hey- that's the kid who came to the Pajama Jam in third grade, with the jammas that his mom cut the elastic on so he could breathe...". It's like the kid with the holey underwear. Or the stinky kid. Ugh. I'm mortified already.

The silver lining?
The party is over at 8pm. When we get home, he'll already be in jammas.
Sweet.

I always feel like, somebody's waaatching meeee....

Jaysen loves to google.
If you look at his left hand in the above pic, you can actually see him stimming.
He will google anything on his mind... ad nauseam.
Usually it's something to do with Mario, or Baby Einstein.

I was really hoping we were getting out of the Baby Einstein thing, but he seems to have revisited it in full force lately. But that's not the point of this post.

Jaysen recently learned how to create folders on his computer. 'Cuz he's a geek like that. He made one for Baby Einstein, so he was googling pictures of Baby Einstein VHS tapes to archive, when he came across the muthaload.

His eyes bugged out at this picture:




I thought that pic looked reeeeally familiar, so I swooped in for a closer look.
Guess where he found it?
Yep- here at The Quirk Factor.

My son had pulled up my own blog in a Google search.
How's that for some tweakiness? I totally felt like I was staring straight down the rabbit hole.

Once I pointed it out, he recognized my Lenore girl (upper left corner) and wanted to see all the pictures I had on the blog (once he realized there was not a whole lot of exciting information about Baby Einstein). I showed him how to browse by category, and we spent about an hour just looking at the pictures and revisiting memory lane. We reminisced about family vacations, and the unfabulous times when "Mom cried" because of the loss of beloved furballs like Gacy and Tiki. He also busted me on some profane language- does that say crap? Crap?!? Uh, yeah. Sorry.

This wasn't the first time he's ever seen my blog, but it's the first time he's ever found it on his own, and taken any time actually going through it. It was different, because there was a sincere interest. Despite the fact I was "outed" by my own son, we had a really good time. Now I'm thinking of how I can get him to guest post.

A whole other reason to blog.

Happy Birfday to... ME!

It's my birthday!
And for those who are curious, I am twenty-seventeen.

Shut up and have some cake.

Rants of the day...

I've been informed of the demolition going well, as noted by Jaysen's call to me at work.

"Mom! You're missin' it! This is awesome! You're totally missin' it! You have to see dis!"

So there's that.

Then there's this.

Today was a monumental milestone.
I found my first gray hair.
Technically, it's translucent. Void of color.
But still. Two things went through my mind.
Number one - I've managed to make it to twenty-sixteen without a single gray. I guess it was bound to happen sometime.
And number two - WTF is this doing in my eyebrow?
Yes, my eyebrow.

Meh.

D is for demolition.

Tomorrow is D-day.

My house will officially be coming down.

As in big huge machines will tear apart pieces of my life and memories, and throw them into dumpsters. That probably smell like rotting carcasses.

Ah well.

I suppose it's a good thing considering there's snow in my living room.

I've been trying to figure out just how much to involve the boys in this next phase. Rylan is only 3, and was pretty traumatized from the whole fire incident. But Jaysen, despite being 8, and Autism or not, kind of "got it". Rylan will not see the demo. Jaysen,, I really don't know.

I'd taken Jaysen back to the house a few times. At first, I had set stringent rules on what he could touch, not touch, where he could walk, and when he could pretty much breathe. he followed the rules every time. If there was a beloved VHS tape that he wanted to rescue, and I didn't think it was salvageable- no matter how badly he wanted that tape, he always put it back.

I've seen him react out of fear in the past. Trust me. It wasn't pretty.

This fear is different though. It's not the fight-or-flight fear. It's more of a reality-slaps-you-in-the-face, grounding fear. He was brave to go back to the house, and it became easier each time.

However.

A whole myriad of emotions arises when you think of your home being torn to pieces and discarded. I'm excited because there's finally some movement- a step in the direction of building our new home, but also the sickening feeling of everything that's still left in there, charred or not.

I probably will let him watch the demo.

He's had an active part in the whole process thus far- from rummaging through rubble (and learning what "debris" is), to helping make decisions about the new housing layout and decor.

There was a point when I didn't know if I should let him go back to the house, but my instinct was right and it ended up being a good thing for him. He really learns the best lessons from real-life situations. I just wish I could be there with him to deflect any potential anxieties.

Ugh. My house is being demolished tomorrow.

So, here's to new beginnings.

And may you never have snow in your living room.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wishing everyone a happy day, filled with love and lots of chocolate.

Happy (almost) Valentine's Day!

Today is Jaysen's Valentine's party at school.
He was getting frustrated with me from mentioning it so much, until I joked that he might get a kiss from a girl. My mistake. Now he's all about the party. So much that he did his spelling homework with minimal argument, and then proceeded to hand write all of the valentines for his class. And he hates writing.

What was superawesomefantabulous, was that he included not only his teachers, but the other kids in the resource room. Why is this a big deal? Because Jaysen has been "afraid" of anyone with an outward physical disability. I've theorized that this is because either A) It's just unfamiliar to him, and we know how he deals with unfamiliar... and/or B) It makes him more aware that he is different from his peers. Like if they're here and I'm here, that means there's something wrong with me- line of thinking. I think I mentioned Abby before (maybe not, because I can't find a post to reference), but we had a rough time with Abby last year. She wasn't the problem- it was my kid.

Abby drools. Apparently a lot. So Jaysen decided to call her "Booger Abby". I was mortified when he explained this to me. I sat him down and had a talk about people's differences,, awareness and tolerance. We talked about things people can help and things they can't. We talked about other people's feelings, and how that would make him feel. "But she hits me!" I told him I didn't care what she did to him, and that he didn't have to be friends with her, but if he sees her in the hallway, he has to say hi, wave, or smile. And he did. He even encouraged her to jump on the trampoline when the OT couldn't get her to.

But awareness isn't the focus of this post.
Just got a bit carried away with the back story.

Outside of his classmates, guess who the first kid was that he wanted to make a valentine for? Yep. Abby! He actually thought of her without any sort of prompting or discussion. I was so proud. And happy. And proudly happy.

It was also funny that he wanted to give one to "the boy with the glasses, but I don't remember his name". And also to "Lisa". I asked if Lisa was a teacher or a student, and he said "Teacher. But I don't know her (last) name either. Just put 'Lisa', It's okay."

Alrighty then.

So, love is in the air for my Romeo.
Hope you get lots of Valentines!

An open letter to the Supreme Being of the Universe.

Dear Supreme Being,

Usually, I am a firm believer in two things.
1) Everything happens for a reason, and 2) What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
But this?
Is killin' me.

I'm starting to think my fortitude is being tested, and I'm writing a formal notice that you can stop now. My limit has been reached, if not surpassed.

The house fire? Maybe I needed to start anew, with a quite literal, clean slate.
King Attitude and The Red One? The ones I affectionately call my children? Let's just say it's a good thing you made 'em so cute, because I've halted trying to barter with Gypsies on their trade. At least for the time being.

This??? This borders on just cruel.
Seriously. The only time I've ever heard of "parvo" is from dogs being sick.
You gave me a dog virus?
Maybe my lesson is I needed to know that humans can get the parvovirus too. I dunno.
What I do know is, that it sucks.
Who the heck created a virus that presents as rheumatoid arthritis?
They are pure evil.
My joints are a swollen knotty mess, and the pain. My gawd, the pain!
It's literally almost unbearable. And by unbearable, I mean I've considered going Evil Dead style and contemplated lopping off body parts with a chainsaw, just to get some relief.

And this can continue for "several weeks" to "several months"?
Thank you, but I'm done.
I've had enough.
You may stop testing me, and give me back my "normal" life.
Anytime now.
Now's good for me.

Please?

Sincerely,
Mommy~Dearest

Bully goat gruff.

Jaysen has a bully.
This bully has been on his case, and in his face, for the past two years.
I have been accused of being overprotective of Jaysen, but this is not the case in this scenario.

We'll call the kid Xander.

Jaysen desperately wants to be Xander's friend.
Xander wants nothing to do with Jaysen, except harass him.

Last year, Xander would push Jaysen, shoot him dirty looks, talk about him behind his back and to his face. On one occasion, Jaysen told me to call him "Big Fat Jaysen" because that's what Xander calls him.

The Sp.Ed teacher bucked up to Xander and really laid into him, but apparently she wasn't threatening enough. Xander's been talked to by the teachers, other classmates, and the school social worker.

At the beginning of this year, Jaysen came home super-excited and told me. "Guess what, Mom?!? Xander likes me this year! We're friends in third grade!" And at first, I was happy and hopeful. That didn't last too long.

"I was nice to Xander, and he said I was a loser."
"Xander said I'm an ugly idiot."
"Xander said I'm a retard."
"Xander thinks Mario is stupid, and so am I."

It's not the name-calling that irritates that hurts my heart, it's the psychological and emotional bullshit this kid puts mine through.
Almost every day, Jaysen gives me the "Xander-report". An account of the shitty things he's done to my kid, that my kid thinks is due to something he's doing.

Lately, the deal is Jaysen wants to play with Xander at recess-
Xander tells Jaysen they'll do Rock Paper Scissors.
If Jaysen wins, he can play.
If Xander wins, Jaysen has to go away.
The battle ensues.
Jaysen wins.
Xander tells him he lost.
Jaysen comes home and says, "Xander said Paper beats Scissors, and I have to go away. He's wrong, Mom. Paper does not beat Scissors."
And my son is heartbroken...again.

On numerous occasions, I have had to reassure Jaysen that yes, Xander is wrong, that Paper does not beat Scissors, and he should have let him play. I've started to take a more realistic approach in telling Jaysen that I don't think he should play with Xander anyway, because he just doesn't seem like a nice kid.

Jaysen argues with me that Xander is nice, and he wants to play with him because he is his friend. We go around and around about what friendship is and what it is not. What it means to be nice to people, and what is not nice. He doesn't care. For whatever reason, he wants to be Xander's friend.

People. This kid is not nice. And by not nice, I really mean he just may be the spawn of Satan himself. This kid breathes fire and sleeps on a bed of rusty nails. He probably eats rabbits for breakfast. Ears and all.

I wish Xander would just tell Jaysen he doesn't like him and does not want to be his friend. But no, he's using Jaysen's desire for his friendship to totally belittle and humiliate him. And my kid can't, or just refuses to believe it. We've had problems with bullies in the past, but Jaysen has written them off as "he's a mean kid, and I don't like him". Xander? He will defend til the end.

I really don't want to call Xander's parents, because I worry that will fuel the fire. Would it? I know it would have when I was a kid. We did not want Mom to make that call and fight our battles for us. That would be the ultimate embarrassment. I would happily take the ass-pummelling thank you. Jaysen's already getting teased for the verbal flaying his teacher laid on Xander- I don't know if I want to take the chance on making matters worse.

But this is my kid. And I "fight" differently than my mom.
'Cuz I'm mean.
And while I desperately want to give my kid some really good lines for his arsenal... I know I shouldn't.
I don't know if I could see this kid and not punk him down.
Well, I probably could harness my chi enough not to excoriate the little shit, but I couldn't promise I wouldn't construct a voodoo doll later.

Um...yeah.

When I discovered just how literal people with Autism could be, I made a parental vow. I vowed that I would never lie to my son. I really just thought I would rather not confuse him, and keep things real.

Sure it could get sticky with all the wondrous magic of childhood, but really? I grew up without Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, and I turned out okay. Alright, it's debatable.

Anyhoo, I've managed to keep that vow by creative explanations and good ol' fashioned deception.
Jaysen asked me this year if Santa was real. My response to him was "What do you think?" To which he replied "I dunno" and he left it with that.
While I evaded, I did not lie.

Yup. I'm not going to lie to my kid.
Boy...am I regretting that decision at this moment.
(This has nothing to do with Santa, bytheway)

While I've been very open and upfront with body parts and their names and functions, here's a conversation I never thought I would have with my 8 year old son.

*note to the squeamish- turn back now. For those of you whom like to see me writhe, read on.*

I'm in the bathroom minding, well doing, my business. The door opens and Jaysen walks in- 'cuz that's just how I roll. If the door is locked, it's probably more business than I care to share with anyone. But it wasn't that kind of business.

Jaysen: Mom? What's dat ting?
Me: What thing, honey?
Jaysen: Dat... ting. Da ting you put in dere. (pointing to my panty-entangled knees)
Me: *ohcrap* I don't know what you mean, sweetie. Did you finish your DS game?
Jaysen: Mom. Dat ting! You frow it inna toilet.
Me: Bear. I can guarantee you there is nothing in the toilet except pee and toilet paper.
Jaysen: *sigh* like dis, Mom... *my son proceeds to draw a long rectangle in the air with his finger, then does a little squat and slaps his hand in between his legs*
Me: ......... *note- I am not on my period, so this is catching me way off-guard*
Jaysen: What's dat ting?
Me: Oh. That's just a pad. Are you ready for jammas?
Jaysen: What's a pad?
Me: .........
Jaysen: It's like dis. *repeats drawing in air, complete with crotch slap*
Me: Yeah.... Jaysen, I don't know if I want to tell you. I mean, I can tell you, but it's kinda gross. If you really want to know, I'll tell you. I think. Maybe.
Jaysen: Yes! I wanna know!
Me: *mentally looking for any out possible* Are you sure? You really have to listen.
Jaysen: Yes, Mom. I really wanna know.
Me: Okay... see, when kids start to become adults, there's a thing called puberty.
Jaysen: What's dat?
Me: Puberty means different things to different people. Boys may start to grow hair on their lip, girls may start to get breasts, both boys and girls may start to get hair on their legs and armpits. Are you sure you really want to know? You have to pay attention if you're making me do this.
Jaysen: *laughing* Okay.
Me: So, one thing that happens to a girl, is she gets what's called her period. *waiting for the lightbulb to come on...hoping this is enough...crap, it's not coming on* A period is when a girl bleeds from her vagina.
Jaysen: *eyes as big as Jupiter* Gasp! Oh no!
Me: It's okay, it doesn't hurt the girl (okay, so maybe I do lie to him). But that's why we use pads and tampons.
Jaysen: What's a tampon?
Me: *why do I never know when to shut my mouf?* Same thing as a pad.
Jaysen: Mom? Boys get periods?
Me: No, sweetie. Only girls.
Jaysen: Whoo-hoo!
Me: *yeah, no shit*

So, if you have boys and thought you were safe from this conversation... think again.

*And for the record, I do not throw any of the aforementioned supplementary aids into the toilet*

Thank you for not going all enviro-crazy.