Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Wedding Hells.

This actually happened sometime last week, but due to the commotion it has stirred, I figured it should have it's home here.

As I may have mentioned before, Jaysen and I frequently have "heart-to-heart" conversations. When he's open to these conversations, they're wonderful, and he really has quite a bit of insight to present.

Here's how our last heart-to-heart went:

"Jaysen, are you happy?"


"Jaysen, are you a happy kid?"


"Good. Because I'm really happy that you're my kid. Are you happy I'm your mom?" (I know, I know...never ask a question you don't want the answer to...)


"No? Would you rather have a different mom?"


"Oh? Who would you like to be your mom?"


"mommy~dearest who?"

"mommy~dearest XXXX."

(silence- this time on my end)

"And I'm Jaysen XXXX."


Now, while this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, let me explain that what Jaysen actually said was my first name and Companion's last name. Then he identified himself with Companion's last name as well. Interesting.

As I've stated before, Companion and I are not married. I don't know if Jaysen was implying some sort of desire for that bond...is he able to do that? He's amazed me plenty of times before with things I didn't give him credit for...but I can't recall any time that marriage has come up, or the fact that our last names are different from Companion and Rylan's. It really kind of floored me.

Why aren't Companion and I married? This is the burning question I'm still getting from friends and family. Well...(sorry Companion, I know you think this is our business and not up for discussion to the masses, but, this is my blog and I can talk about it if I wanna.)

Many moons ago Companion and I did talk about it. It's no secret that I would like to get married again- but Companion doesn't see the "point" in it. First, it was a "financial issue". When I stated that it doesn't have to be this big extravaganza, it became the issue that he views marriage as nothing more than a civil union on a legally binding piece of paper, and he doesn't need that paper to validate his feelings or intentions concerning the family.

While I was pregnant with Rylan, he brought up getting married again. I have to admit that I still harbored some hurt feelings from the previous conversation. My view now was, I want to marry someone who wants to marry me, because they want that commitment and want to be a part of our lives out of love, not someone who sees no value in it, and thinks we should do it because we should probably do it. (Did that make any sense?)

Not to mention the other "benefits" of being married- cheaper insurance, beneficiaries, social security, medical decision making, etc...

Anyway, Companion said he thought we should still get married, so I told him that if he wants to do it, he should take the initiative and go down to get the paperwork and such filed (I had previously told him where he would need to go to get this done), and great- that would show me that he was willing to put forth the effort and be proactive about it.

Never happened.

So- I could harbor resentment and tell people the big "I told you that he didn't really want to do it"...but I don't. I'm trying to learn and grow as a person, by not setting myself up for disappointments.

So there you have it- the story in a nutshell.

Back to the original post- so what could Jaysen have meant by that comment? I know he identifies Companion as a Dad- so is he validating that identification? Is this a self-directed step in disassociating himself with Ex as a father? Is he testing the waters and just getting a feel of the blended family thing? Or, was he just trying to be funny, knowing that the first names don't go with the respective last names?

I don't know- and I'd like to say I don't care...but a part of me really does.

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