My chupacabra can beat up your tiger, Charlie Sheen.

Well, Charlie Sheen has lost his effin' mind.
Seriously lost.his.everlovin'.mind, peeps.
Or is a Scientologist.

I was going to write a post about it, but then recanted, thinking I did not want to come across as insensitive- but seeing that Sheen-o-rama has swept the internets, and here, I am totally jumping on the bandwagon. Because I am a copycat like that.

The tragic thing about Mr. Sheen's mental blowout, is he is obviously a deeply troubled person, in a tailspin of self-destruction. The lighter side is he seems to be enjoying himself, and bonus there are interesting new things like the Charlie Sheen Rant Generator, Mad-Lib style. If you are ranting like he has been, it's got to be cathartic. Let's test that theory, shall we?

Here is my automatically generated rant.

“I am on a drug. It’s called The Quirk Factor. If you try it once, you will vaporize. Your uvula will melt off, and your parents will undulate over your pummelated body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not gollyish—a total freaking nerf-herder from Jupiter. I’ve got chupacabra blood, Aphrodite DNA! … They picked a fight with a phoenix. They’re trying to take all my jawbreakers and leave me with no means to stabulate my family. It’s not botany! They owe me an apology while gyrating my tragus … I don’t think people are ready for the b'dussy I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of fugly love. I exposed lemons to magic! Here’s your sweat test. Next one goes in your eye socket!”

Awesome. I have chupacabra blood.
I love Charlie Sheen.

On a more serious note, this is a good opportunity to show kids the possible affects of "bad choices", and that even celebrities are not immune to such things. It is interesting that he is generating a feeling of great responsibility in Us. We "know" Charlie. We feel for him. We want him to get help. We want him to be okay. We care.

But how many non-celebrity people are out there with mental illness, who We don't give a flyin' monkeyfinger about? What about the everyday people? The moms, dads, siblings, neighbours... who struggle with mental illness on a daily basis? Struggle for acceptance, treatment, and services? People whose support system doesn't have seemingly unlimited funding or don't have access to the best treatment centers. Or people who simply just don't have a support system? I do hope that We are able to use this as an awareness experience, along with other celebrities that have come out with their disabilities (I'm hurling my pride and praise at you, Mr. Apl.de.ap, from Black Eyed Peas.), and bring more awareness to our society.

Whew.
Okay, I am going to get off my soapbox and go stabulate my family with jawbreakers now.

Aww nuts.

Ah. Sensory Dysfunction.

If you don't have a child with food aversions- serious food aversions, not just picky, you really can't understand. I wish I had a picky eater. I have a seriously neophobic problem eater. And no, he won't just eat if he is hungry enough.

The best way I can describe it is if you were given a plate of pufferfish which has been encrusted with a beautiful blend of glass shards and rat poison, atop a lovely glaze of cyanide, and infused with arsenic imported from France. Would you eat it? What if your bestest friend told you you would be fine? What about your mom? Surely your own mother would not wish you harm, and she says it's okay... she only wants you to try a bite, but it's loaded with things that can maim and kill you!

Chances are, you aren't going to even take a bite. And if you do take one bite, chances are you're going to have some pretty high anxieties about it. And you probably, most certainly, would become combative if someone tried to force you to eat it.

This is kind of how many of these children view unfamiliar foods.

That being said-
We attended my uncle's 70th birthday party over the weekend. Jaysen did well because he was absorbed in his computer game. We weren't going to be there a long time, so I didn't figure we needed to bring a cache of food with us. I was probably wrong. He did say he wanted a brownie, and I was actually shocked that he ate it, since it was a homemade one.

Side thought: You can tell a neophobe's parent when they are begging their child to eat junk food... Haha.

Anyfudge-
For the record, I also had to put some grapes on his plate, apparently for show since I knew they would go untouched. So he had 2 brownies, and was jockeying for a 3rd. I told him he would have to eat some grapes first. I also noticed someone had put 2 almonds on his plate.

Jaysen...eat an almond.
No.
C'mon.... I dare you. Just one.
No.
Please?
Nothankyou.
I'll give you $20.
No!
I'll give you $100.
No.
I'll....take you to Italy.
Mom! Noooo!
Okay, okay... eat one and I'll buy you a car.
NO!

By now, we have gathered a small crowd of people complete with commentary "I'll eat an almond for $20", etc. Shut up, feckerheads. Let me irritate my son my own special way.
I digress.

If you eat one almond, I'll give you $50.
You don't have $50. Show it to me.
*Upon this statement, as if on cue, my father opens up his wallet and flashes a fifty dollar bill*
Jaysen hesitates, but then popped an almond into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed!

Ohmigawd.
I owe my child $50.
For eating one almond.

YES!
Sure, he choked and gagged, almost barfed onto my aunt's coveted carpeting, but he did it! And I am rockin' proud of him. I am also proud he suckered me out of fifty bucks (higher level thinking skills!). Well actually, my dad's the one who had to cough up the dough. I think he's learned his lesson about putting his money where my mouth is. And I will totally pay you back, Peepa.

Of course, there were people who were appalled I just gave my son money for eating such a small morsel, but those of us who have truly problem eaters, can appreciate just how big this feat was.

Not to mention he totally called my bluff and shut me down.
Well played, Pooka.

What does FUN look like?

New post- birthday edition

It's mah birfday!

Ever get those B-day wishes that kinda make you feel special? And by special, I mean you kinda question your sanity for even knowing these people? The people who make birthdays really special?

I do.
And this year, extra special birthday thank yous go out to the following:

Marianne, who gave me my very first birthday greeting at 2:14am this morning.
Jaysen, whose first words to me this morning were "Yo, Mom.....happy birthday."
Wandy, who promised me a unicorn.
My coworker who wished me to have a zombietastic birthday.

And Ex.
The winner of everything special...who sent me a text this afternoon wishing me a Happy Escape from Vagopolis Day.

Yes, he's still single, ladies....

*Now updated* to include my cousin D, who called me to say "Hey, is this my old ass cousin?"
Thanks, yo.

Summer lovin'....

Starting to stress about the summer already. There's 9 inches of snow outside, but I am stressing about the summer.
The kids are going to have to go to camp, so I'm starting the research process to find one that fits.

Jaysen came with me to visit the first one...








Will keep looking.

Back by popular demand.

Okay! I know I haven't posted in eleventy billion years, but I've been busy.
Or something like busy.
Busy-ish?

Anyway, because the people have demanded it *ahem, Dad*, I am really going to try to make an effort to be more consistent with my entries here.
Because you all love me. *ahem, Dad*

So.
Because I live to tease my kids about....well, anything really... this was the conversation this morning:

Me: So Jaysen. Do you have a girlfriend yet???
Jaysen: No! That's disgusting!
Me: No it's not disgusting! When are you getting married? I want grandbabies you know.
Jaysen: I am not marrying Marissa.
Me: Ooooh....Marissa, eh? Okay, well maybe we'll get you a mail order bride. Like off of Amazon or something. Maybe ebay.
Jaysen: *ignoring me by now, but probably wondering how she would fit in a box*
Me: So what would you do if a girl came up and kissed you on the cheek?
Jaysen: I would freak out.
Me: *Bwahahahaha!* But kisses are nice.
Jaysen: I know kisses are nice. I like to kiss moms.
Me: Um. What other moms are you kissing?
Jaysen: You....and Moppi....she's your mom....
Me: Okay. So when are you going to get married so I can have grandkids?
Jaysen: Mom. You'll be dead.
Me: *blink blink* Erp?

My son. Killin' me off before the promise of grandkids.
He is so grounded.

An open letter to my Wii Fit.

Dear Wii Fit,

I have tried for so long to love you. It just isn't working out for me. It's not you...it's me. No, wait...it's you. I hate you.

It isn't enough that you mock me when I step onto the balance board with an "Oh!" like you are surprised that I weigh that much. Nice. I hate you. But in the event that I actually gain weight, you proceed to make my Mii plump out magical like (and she seems just as shocked too), and now? I have the fattest Mii in the lineup. Yay me! Or yay Mii. You can suck it either way.

Exhibit A

Also? When we are doing jackknifes together, you really need to reconsider the counting thing. Every single time, I swear you are saying "one more to go!" and I get all excited- but really, it is "tw-ONE-ty more to go!" Seriously? That is a cruel trick. You are an asshole.

Insults aside, I am convinced you are trying to gaslight me. I used to use the female trainer. But I got bored with her svelte ass gently telling me I just "wasn't strong enough for this exercise", so I am batting for the other team and have switched to the Dood. I like Dood. Dood is alright in my book. He does not make me feel self conscious with my fatparts jiggling all around. Why? Because he is apparently a eunuch. Which is delightfully entertaining. I trust Dood. But then one day, there is something different with Dood. Something is off. Hmmm...what could it be? Hey- when did he get that metro ponynub? Is Dood's hair long enough for a ponytail? Is it just too hot inside of my television today? Did Dood get fired and this is his replacement? Did he run off with Chick? Is Chick preggers?!?!? Why have I never noticed this before? And then the next day, he's back to his usual self.

Gaslighting.
See for yourself.

This is Dood. Nice looking, non-judgemental, kindhearted...he cares, yo.


This is back of Dood.


Hmm...what's this? An interloper?


WTF Dood?!? You're obviously more absorbed with your looks than you are with my health.
Go screw yourself.


You be the judge.

So, I am leaving you for Zumba, where the girl trainer is upbeat and motivating, and the Guido-boy trainer looks at you with crazy-eyes, just like he probably would in a real club, because you are blocking his reflection in the mirror. He too, is self absorbed, but at least he doesn't front.

Kisses,
Me.