Way Outside Of My Comfort Zone.

I feel like a turd. No...I feel worse than that...

I feel like a big heap of unholy butt-sauce.

Last night's trip to the psychologist left me feeling very uneasy. This was the appointment where Doc wanted to see Jaysen frustrated. He wanted to observe Jaysen's naural coping skills for his frustration and anxiety, and from that we would form a plan on how to carry it from play, into "real life" situations. I understood the reasoning, but I didn't like it.

I had to set Jaysen off. On purpose. For no reason.

We started to play like we always do at Doc's. He suggested bowling. I insisted I bowl first, and kicked over the bowling pins before he got his turn to bowl. Jaysen got a little upset, stopped bowling, and went on to find something else to play with. I tried to redirect him to the bowling pins scattered about the floor, and told him he had to clean up my mess. He ignored me, making a Krabby Patty out of play food. I grabbed the Patty, took the hamburger part out of it, and told him that it was mine. He protested, and asked very nicely for it- I told him he could not have it. I then took his tape out of its box- put the tape in the play oven, and the box up on the windowsill.

Ooh- anxiety was setting in.

He was now intent on getting that patty from me. He started to get this half-wild half- anxious look in his eye. He gritted his teeth and started shaking. I wanted Doc to see this because I did not want to have to repeat it. My natural instinct, being Jaysen's mom, is: when I see the frustration and anxiety rising- I give him my full attention, try to calm him, and find out what is going on. Not to be the instigator, and then not comfort him. At that point, I was waaay out of my comfort zone.

On the way home, I talked to Jaysen about the visit. I told him I was sorry for being so mean at Doc's. I tried to explain that there were problems that came up in there, and Doc helped us deal with them. I told him that Doc was going to help teach us how to problem solve.

I don't think he understood, and I don't blame him. There was no reason why his mom was being mean all of the sudden. I was being horrible, making him feel dysregulated, and he didn't know why. He was being "good" and I was treating him like poo.

Ugh...I still feel 'ick' about it.

Grandpa's Hat

My Mom watches the boys while I'm at work, and my Dad comes over to take Jaysen to school. He used to have a ritual of walking around and around the flagpole, and reading the little plaque attached to the base of the flagpole.

He has recently created a new routine involving taking Grandpa's hat off and throwing it. Upon the first time doing it, apparently my Dad reacted in a silly manner, and *poof* a new routine was born.

In school, Jaysen's teacher had been working on poetry. She had the kids write poems of what they wanted, and in their own words. This was Jaysen's creation:

Grampe has a hat
I fro it on the grand.

(Grandpa has a hat, I throw it on the ground.)

Applause, my son. Well done.

Father's Day

I kind of feel like an ass...

Ex called Saturday night and wanted to take Jaysen to a BBQ at his girlfriend's parent's house for Fathers Day. I was coming home from Florida that day, and I wasn't sure what to say.

On one hand, it had been a week since I had seen my boys. I didn't know how Jaysen would react because I've never left him like that before. He's very clingy, and I thought he may need the rest of the day to transition back into life at home with mom again.

On the other hand, it was Fathers day, and Ex makes it a point to remind everyone that he has never had all of his kids together on Fathers Day- mainly because Ex's ex is a nut-job.

I asked Ex if I could call him once everything was settled, and if Jaysen seemed to be okay, then he could take him to the BBQ. He said that was fine.

I should've known, but he called later to tell me that he was already at the BBQ, and would see Jaysen sometime this week. I won't hold my breath.

Although this is the first time I've given second thought to him taking Jaysen somewhere, I often found it funny that Ex got all bent out of shape when he "didn't have his kids on Father's Day". Ex is not much of a father. Yet he wants the recognition of being one? I don't usually talk smack about him, but I can feel it bubbling up right now because he seemed perturbed with me for my hesitation.

He pays major child support for his first two children, so I do not ask for support- and he does not offer. He has come through for me on occasions where I needed help with major things like whopping dental bills for Jaysen, but there is no "support" happening. Ex was a recovering addict. He is currently drinking and druggin' again- which is sad that he puts that crap before supporting his son, but that's not what really gets candlewax in my butt-hair. On average, Ex comes to see Jaysen about once every couple of months. Personally, I wish he would either be in Jaysen's life, or out of it. This inbetween crap is... crap.

He hasn't had a car in...wow- I don't know how long...so he never spends alone time, father and son, with him. He usually brings the flavor-of-the-month girlfriend with him (which is fine- I really liked last month's flavor. She was a sweetheart.), but Jaysen doesn't want to spend time with them.

He has no idea what is going on with Jaysen. No idea what it costs financially, and emotionally, to raise him. He has no idea how to interact with him when he does his "quirky" things. He has no idea what is going on with school, the meetings, the therapies, etc... not because I don't tell him- but because he just does not get it. He listens, but does not understand. Which is sad because he's the one missing out on such an awesome kid.

So yes, you can be pissed at me that I thought it best for Jaysen to be at home while he regulated everything that was going on. Sorry, but my son comes before you.

Happy (Un)Father's Day, Ex.

Oh The Thinks You Can Think.

Okay- I made it back from Florida. Everyone is alive and well, and almost in the same shape as when I left. Rylan looks a little bigger and is sitting up unassisted now!

Jaysen and Companion came to the airport to pick me up. I have to admit I was a little worried. Jaysen was either going to excitedly burst out of the car to hug me, or he was going to kick my ass for leaving. I don't know who was more excited to see whom. Jaysen stayed in the car with a huge smile plastered on his face- kind of frozen there, like he wanted to be sure I was going to get in the car and go home with them. Once I did, he said "Hi mommy, I love you home-" and sheepishly nuzzled my arm. I was so happy to be back home. Companion had decorated the house with welcome home banners, streamers, and balloons. It was really cool.

Companion said that Jaysen was "an angel" the whole time I was gone. Rylan is teething, so he was a whole 'nuther story. Whenever Companion and Jaysen were playing, and Rylan started crying, Jaysen was super-good about stoping what they were doing, and letting Companion tend to the baby.

Jaysen also went to the Metropark. He got to ride on a boat, and the Captain of the boat let him steer, ring the bell, and honk the horn. Jaysen was Mr. Bigstuff.

The souvenirs were a big hit- especially the "Thing" T-shirts. I really thought the Sorcerer Mickey (from Fantasia) would be the big winner, since Jaysen's video of choice has been Fantasia lately, but being an avid Dr. Seuss fan, I saw these Thing 1 and Thing 2 shirts, and had to have them. Actually, I got 4 of them. Companion was Thing 2, I was Thing 2, Jaysen was Thing 3, and Rylan was Thing 4. When I presented the shirts to Jaysen, he immediately put his on. then he proceeded to make us all put on our shirts. Once we donned the shirts, Jaysen had the idea of referring to everyone by their "Thing" numbers. this took a minute to catch on to. Here's how it went in a nutshell:

"Do you want to play Sorry, Thing 2"?

"I'd love to Jaysen, let me grab a coffee first".

"Say 'yes, Thing 3'."

"Huh? Oh- yes, Thing 3, I'd love to play Sorry".

"Okay Thing 2".

"Does Thing 1 going to play"?

"I think Companion is in the garage. You can ask him if he wants to play".

"Not Companion! Thing 1"!

"Oh- sorry. Thing 1 is in the garage".

"Thing 4 is still sleeping"?

"Yes Sweetie, Thing 4 is still sleeping".

"No! Thing 3"!

"Right. Yes Thing 3, Thing 4 is still sleeping".

Good gracious. By the time I had it down who was which Thing, and what I was supposed to say...I was ready for bed. After our game of Sorry and a bath, Jaysen wanted to wear his Thing shirt to bed. He forgot about it eventually, but it was the first thing he put on this morning when he woke up.

I can almost bet that I'll be changing into mine when I get home from work...

Nerves...

I'm nervous.

In a few days, I leave for Florida. My work is sending me to a training session, and at the end of training, I have to take a certification exam. Am I nervous about the exam? You bet. But what am I most nervous about? I'll be away from the boys for almost a week.

I am pretty sure Companion can handle both boys- it will be difficult, but he has his mom coming down to help for a day, and my parents are just around the corner if he needs them.

Jaysen and I have not been apart for more than one night at a time. He'll most definitely be anxious- if I go out for the night, I'll find him asleep on the chair in the living room when I get home because he was trying to wait up for me.

I am going to miss them like crazy. I know I'll be worried sick. Did Companion remember to give Jaysen his med? Was it the right dose? Will Jaysen give him a super-horrific time because I'm not there? Is he going to know when Jaysen's had enough? Is Jaysen going to know when Companion's had enough?

I can't think about things like that now- I have to concentrate and put my energy toward this exam. It's a 5 hour exam. Ugh. I thought I was done with this stuff. Apparently not. Well, this is all for the betterment of my family, so I'm going to give it my best shot. Even if I feel like I'm drowning.

Glub.

Na-ne-na-ne-boo-boo.

I often think about Jaysen growing up. Right now, he's still in Kindergarten- so he's not too different from his peers...but what about in the fall when he starts first grade? When he's expected to attend a full day of school? When he's expected to listen to the teacher, and participate in class? When he's supposed to do actual homework that will challenge him? When he's expected to perform?

All of these pending expectations send my anxiety to a whole new level- but nothing like the thought of...ohmigod...childhood teasing.

Let's face it- everyone gets teased, and kids can be cruel. This I know. It happens to everyone. It happens to Jaysen at times, and he doesn't realize that he's being made fun of.

As a child, I was mercilessly teased about my big nose and flat chest. Fortunately, I was a late bloomer, and did in fact receive the much anticipated breasts, and thanks to my parents, also received a much coveted nose job.

I'm mentally preparing myself for "the talk" about teasing, and trying to straighten out in my head, what I will say to Jaysen. I know that "if someone calls you 'retard' or 'stupid', it's okay to molly-whop them in the eye" is not good parenting, but it's my instinctual reaction.

I'm going to have to have the "why people are different" discussion, and i think I have a fairly good handle on that one. I'm struggling with the teasing. When I was teased, I would spend hours at home crying my eyeballs out. It hurt more deeply than anyone could imagine. I wanted friends so badly, and couldn't understand why my "friends" would hurt me so badly like that. the thought of Jaysen hurting like that, and crying because he doesn't understand why people can be so mean, just tears me apart. There is a difference between teasing that "builds character" and teasing that just cuts to the core of your psyche.

Some people may think I'm jumping the gun on this one, but the teasing I endured created some pretty hefty emotional scars that carried into my adult life as well. My parents gave me their best guidance of "don't listen to them, you're beautiful, they're just being mean, you don't need friends like that"- but I did. I did need friends. And so does Jaysen. I'm hoping he will find a friend who will help him stick up for himself, and help him brush things off. I will do what I can as a parent, but he also needs someone with him who's in the thick of it. Someone who can address things at the moment they're happening. Someone to intervene and reassure him, to get him back on track, before he's had all day to think about it and feel like a worthless pile of poo by the time he gets home. I just don't want him to think there's something wrong with him- that he's not a whole person, and needs to be fixed.

'Cuz I just might have to buy a new pair of combat boots strictly for kickin' butt.

Veggin' Out

Not counting baby food (because really...they open, and you just shove in whatever it is you want them to have), Jaysen has never- and I mean never- eaten a fruit or vegetable. His pediatrician tried to reassure me that he is following the typical age-appropriate diet of pizza, chicken nuggets, mac-n-cheese, and the occasional hot dog, and I shouldn't worry.

He's five now. He needs to be eating better foods, and following a better dietary routine. Yes, I am aware that quite a bit of this is my own fault, but I'm still figuring out this sensory stuff too.

So, we tried a sticker chart. Jaysen would get a coveted video tape if he ate 5 bites of a fruit or vegetable (he chose it to be apple- I made a mental note to next time write fruit and vegetable). I explained that he could take as long or as many days as he wanted, but he wouldn't get the video until all 5 squares had a sticker in them.

Day one: A successful bite of apple with much apprehension and a little gagging.
Day two: Another successful bite of apple, less apprehension, still gagging.
Day three: Yet another success. I decided to up the ante and make the "bite" a "piece".
Day four: One slice of apple eaten in about 10 minutes. Lots of complaining.
Day five: One slice of apple eaten in about 1 minute. Big smiles and "I did it"!

(It's extremely difficult watching your child having such a hard time with eating certain foods. He was trying so hard- giving such a valiant effort, yet he truly cannot handle the textures. His choking and gagging is not drama. It's for real. As a mom, I have to think about what's right for my son. Yes, he needs to eat good foods, but am I torturing him by putting him through this? Is this even helping him become more tolerant of different textures? Is there a better way? Because right now, I feel like the "Meanest Mom in America" for putting him through this. I offered him baby food, but he won't eat it because "it's for babies". He likes to juice things in the juicer, but won't drink it because it doesn't "look right".)

The next chart had 6 squares for fruits and vegetables. He choked down 2 pieces of apple and 3 grapes. I extolled him, and told him that all he had to do was eat one vegetable and the tape was his. He said, "*groan* maybe tomorrow". That was fine with me- I didn't want to push him. He did eat a small carrot the next night.

The day after that, Jaysen decided he wanted to do another sticker chart for another video. This time the deal was: Three fruits, one milk, and a vegetable.

The result?

The whole chart was completed that night. Hmm...this kid has got some serious motivation. He complained, gagged, and choked, but he didn't want to give up. He wanted that video. And he got it. Now my dilemma is- how can I get him to add these offending foods to his daily diet. He's willing to do it for incentives, but he wants to knock 'em all out of the way at once. If I could just get him to spread it out throughout the course of a day...it will take some planning, but I'll figure something out.