Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Um...yeah.

When I discovered just how literal people with Autism could be, I made a parental vow. I vowed that I would never lie to my son. I really just thought I would rather not confuse him, and keep things real.

Sure it could get sticky with all the wondrous magic of childhood, but really? I grew up without Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, and I turned out okay. Alright, it's debatable.

Anyhoo, I've managed to keep that vow by creative explanations and good ol' fashioned deception.
Jaysen asked me this year if Santa was real. My response to him was "What do you think?" To which he replied "I dunno" and he left it with that.
While I evaded, I did not lie.

Yup. I'm not going to lie to my kid.
Boy...am I regretting that decision at this moment.
(This has nothing to do with Santa, bytheway)

While I've been very open and upfront with body parts and their names and functions, here's a conversation I never thought I would have with my 8 year old son.

*note to the squeamish- turn back now. For those of you whom like to see me writhe, read on.*

I'm in the bathroom minding, well doing, my business. The door opens and Jaysen walks in- 'cuz that's just how I roll. If the door is locked, it's probably more business than I care to share with anyone. But it wasn't that kind of business.

Jaysen: Mom? What's dat ting?
Me: What thing, honey?
Jaysen: Dat... ting. Da ting you put in dere. (pointing to my panty-entangled knees)
Me: *ohcrap* I don't know what you mean, sweetie. Did you finish your DS game?
Jaysen: Mom. Dat ting! You frow it inna toilet.
Me: Bear. I can guarantee you there is nothing in the toilet except pee and toilet paper.
Jaysen: *sigh* like dis, Mom... *my son proceeds to draw a long rectangle in the air with his finger, then does a little squat and slaps his hand in between his legs*
Me: ......... *note- I am not on my period, so this is catching me way off-guard*
Jaysen: What's dat ting?
Me: Oh. That's just a pad. Are you ready for jammas?
Jaysen: What's a pad?
Me: .........
Jaysen: It's like dis. *repeats drawing in air, complete with crotch slap*
Me: Yeah.... Jaysen, I don't know if I want to tell you. I mean, I can tell you, but it's kinda gross. If you really want to know, I'll tell you. I think. Maybe.
Jaysen: Yes! I wanna know!
Me: *mentally looking for any out possible* Are you sure? You really have to listen.
Jaysen: Yes, Mom. I really wanna know.
Me: Okay... see, when kids start to become adults, there's a thing called puberty.
Jaysen: What's dat?
Me: Puberty means different things to different people. Boys may start to grow hair on their lip, girls may start to get breasts, both boys and girls may start to get hair on their legs and armpits. Are you sure you really want to know? You have to pay attention if you're making me do this.
Jaysen: *laughing* Okay.
Me: So, one thing that happens to a girl, is she gets what's called her period. *waiting for the lightbulb to come on...hoping this is enough...crap, it's not coming on* A period is when a girl bleeds from her vagina.
Jaysen: *eyes as big as Jupiter* Gasp! Oh no!
Me: It's okay, it doesn't hurt the girl (okay, so maybe I do lie to him). But that's why we use pads and tampons.
Jaysen: What's a tampon?
Me: *why do I never know when to shut my mouf?* Same thing as a pad.
Jaysen: Mom? Boys get periods?
Me: No, sweetie. Only girls.
Jaysen: Whoo-hoo!
Me: *yeah, no shit*

So, if you have boys and thought you were safe from this conversation... think again.

*And for the record, I do not throw any of the aforementioned supplementary aids into the toilet*
Thank you for not going all enviro-crazy.

13 comments:

Marshella said...

Yep, with a house full of girls Deklan already knows all about the pads and periods. We just play it off as casual... kind of like him walking around naked in front of his sisters... it's just another thing. Or, as you say, that's just how we roll. :)

Shea's Mom said...

LOVE IT!!!!!

Nice work, mom!

:-)

Shondira said...

OMG That is so funny. Although I shouldn't laugh. Both my boys have asked me why I don't have a penis.

Corrie Howe said...

I have boys and I've had conversations with them that I never thought I would have with them. It's what makes life interesting.

Niksmom said...

Oh dear God, I think I've just had a visit from the ghost of future conversations. Crap. Um, yeah, we're not exactly a lock the door household either. *sigh*

TC said...

AWESOME.

I had a similar conversation, some years back, with my very precocious then-three-plus-year-old daughter. I wrote about it here: http://tinycoconut.blogspot.com/2004/06/ems-greatest-hits-volume-i.html

You can't PAY for blog fodder like this stuff.

Alicia (aka Dr. Mom) said...

OMG - I am DYING of laughter right now.... cant breathe.... LOL!!!

this is the BEST. My daughter saw my bloody pad when i was peeing in a crowded public restroom and said all loud: "Mommy, what'dya have poop stains in your underwear?!?!"

BTW- you totally made me laugh at the comment you left on my blog: where you claimed to, in fact, be the "worst-mother-on-the-planet." I can't count the ways I probably have you beat (locked my autistic child accidentally in the garage and thought she was a rabid animal then called the police on myself. Sent her to school 3 times in the dead of winter without shoes. Accidentally left same autistic child in the car on a hot summer day for almost 3 hours - good god someone call protective service on ME!!!) Anyway - you made me laugh though. Thanks! :)

mommy~dearest said...

Alicia- I remember your "garage incident" had me rollin'. I probably pissed myself when I read that.

We should totally babysit for each other. Lol.

mommy~dearest said...

TC- just read your post. I laughed my ass off. Love the matzoh one too. Hahaha...

Dana said...

That's hysterical! Dylan is in the "what is dat?" phase with EVERYTHING (as I'm sure Rylan is as well), but at least he seems content with my answers and doesn't dig any deeper for more info at this point!

Accidental Expert said...

I think you handled this really well. Especially under pressure.

Here's to creative answers. BTW we have the same no-lie policy around here. Evading the truth. Yep. But technically no lies.

Lora said...

OMG how entertaining...only because it was YOU and not me. Of course my day will come when I will have a similar sort of discussion on body parts but not period as I have had a complete hysterectomy (so I am saved from that one whew!)Thanks for sharing that, I can just imagine the two of you and your exchange and how terribly uncomfortable it must have been. But still...

Ashley's Mom said...

My favorite little son story was when my now 19 year old and I were having dinner at Arby's. He was about 3 years old at the time, and quite concerned that a boy had a penis but a girl did not.

So while we sat at the table, right next to a table of elderly women, he said, 'Mommy, I'm gonna get you a a penis - a really big penis.'

I still blush when I think about it :)