And...then you have days like these...

"Jaysen, are you ready for bath?"

"Yes. I want to relax...you don't come in."

Awww...kid wants to relax in privacy...

~Fast forward about 10 minutes~

*clink, clank*

"Uhh... Jaysen? You okay in there?"

"Yes. I inna baff."

"I don't hear water, are you sure you're in the bath?"

"Yes inna baff..." *clink clank*

Knocking as I'm opening the door, only to find standing on a step stool at the mirror... my naked sparkling son, with all of my necklaces on, trying on my rings, smelling like grape Hello Kitty body spray.

I didn't know whether to laugh out loud, or try to hold it all in.

Then he told me he used my deodorant.

So I started cracking up.

And he did too.

'Inna baff' my arse...
Ahhh... I love our bonding days.

SIBs suck.

Some of you will immediately recognize the following.
Others, I hope will understand why sometimes the circles under my eyes are so dark, or why I may seem preoccupied...

What would you do...... if you noticed marks on your child's body like this?

Or this?.........

Now.....what if the marks were self-inflicted?

No matter how seasoned I become as a parent, SIBs (Self Injurious Behaviors) are still one of the most heart-wrenching things for me to witness. This is not the first time for us, nor is it the last, but it never gets easier no matter how many times you bear witness to your child self harming.

Jaysen's frustration and anxiety, coupled with his inability to self-regulate, create an emotional abattoir to which the only acceptable release is to launch into a physical attack on himself. Usually the incidents are short-lived, but with repeated blows, he carries the bruises for days, if not weeks.

My heart carries the trauma much longer.

The part that tears me apart is, I am utterly helpless. I can't help him. I can't stop him. I can't make it better, or take the pain away. I can only try to keep him safe at the time. Try to make sure there is as minimal damage inflicted as possible.

Because I know I am not alone in dealing with this...

Extra love to you all dealing with the same.

Sweet surprise

I've said before, how although I may have never met my blog friends in real life, they are truly friends. When in the midst of a seemingly-endless dark chasm, out shines a brilliant ray of sunshine...that's a friend.

Friends just "know" when something's wrong.
Friends support you when you feel weak.
Friends help pick you up when you are down.
Friends help you see the light when you feel surrounded by darkness.
Friends send you gourmet hand dipped chocolate covered strawberries.....

Oh yes...they do...

Joeymom is the best. No, really, she is as awesome as they come.
Sure, she has a rockin' blog, but more importantly, she is genuine.
I love her.
And not in a creepy mom-crush way.
Okay, maybe a little like that.
Or it could be the pain-meds talking.

Anybuzz, she also told me I didn't have to share.
So I'm not.

Thank you, Joeymom!!!!!
You totally and absolutely made my day.

Thank you for just "knowing".

Back to the OR... *update*

Well.... I wish I had some good news to report, but it seems my black cloud o' doom has morphed into a vortex.

A few weeks back when gouged my hand on the lid to a can of green beans? Yeah. Apparently I severed the ulnar nerve. Come to find out that not only is that not a good thing, it is actually quite the opposite of a good thing.

I found all of this out yesterday. I go in for surgery tomorrow.
Quick? Yes. Opposite of good.
The surgery is in hopes to reattach the nerve. This in turn, is in hopes of returning "protective sensation" to my hand- meaning the ability to discern hot and cold. Helpful, but I'd really like some function back. And to take away the pain from the neuroma. That would be nice too.

But noooooo!.....
Because I do things grandiose, I was also diagnosed with CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome), formerly known as RSD. In a nutshell, this means my nerve and brain are not communicating, and if something touches my hand, my brain tells my entire body that it is in pain. Literally. The doc tapped my hand, and I jumped out of my chair at the electric lightening bolt that coursed up my left arm, through my chest, and down my right arm. I told the doc that whoever came up with that test was an asshole, and I wasn't sure I really liked him anymore either. It didn't matter because the shiz is permanent. Which made my day so much, I cried tears of joy. That wasn't joy? Oh. Then I must have been crying for reals because permanent pain? Who wouldn't love that?

The surgery will not restore function or feeling (other than hot/cold) to my hand area, but it will hopefully alleviate the pain. OR.... it could make the pain, Teh Pain. Teh Pain sucks. I could develop full blown CRPS, which I know is horrible, because Dollface developed it after her surgery. This is where the hand changes colors, textures, and is so sensitive to anything that even air blowing across it, sends you into extreme pain overload. And?... I'm high risk. Not everyone gets full blown CRPS, but it affects mostly women, and even more so emotional women. I'm so screwed. Since they are aware that I am high risk, I'll be monitored closely. If I do start to develop symptoms, they will haul my ass into PT and attempt desensitization. Fabulous.

I have to have the surgery- I can't have a severed nerve just chillin' in my hand. And my docs (first and second opinions) both think the benefits outweigh the risks, and I am trusting them. So. Once again, I am calling on you, my lovely readers and friends, for your positive thoughts.

I will update when I am able.
Wish me luck and stay away from evil cans of green beans!

And somebody please find that damn voodoo doll...

*******UPDATE*******

Surgery went well- Once he got in there, he found my nerve had wrapped itself around, and attached to, a vein and a ligament. Sounds pretty gruesome. Other than that, everything went according to plan. Jaysen is still processing, but I think the huge wrapping and sling are giving him the visual cues he needs. Lol.

Like dis...

Persistance really does pay off.

Four years!
It took four years, but LOOK what I found in Jaysen's lunch box!...

Peeps. Are you able to comprehend the magnitude of this feat?!?
My child...my food-issue child...actually ATE an apple.
By his own free will.
I know!
Take a minute to catch your breath because yesterday, there was THIS...

I know!
And just when you thought it couldn't get any better...
Today!...

Alright, so he didn't do as good of a job on today's, but still.
This is huge.
Jaysen, I am so proud of you!

As far as the rest of that apple...
Enter the clean up crew.

Bon appetit!

It's getting dark in here.

I can't seem to find the time lately, to stay up on posting.
I read all of your blogs, yet can't find the energy to make entries on this one.
Ugh.

There's a lot of things going on now- most of them not very good.
For example, my kids have been abducted by aliens and replaced with sassy, back-talking, fighting, aggressive heathens. Jaysen is losing his freakin' mind and Rylan is following in the footsteps of his big brother.

The.Effing.Games.
Jaysen is obsessed with getting a Gameboy Color, now.
Apparently, he neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds one.
Or he may die.
Or hate me for life.

He has a Wii and a DS, so said child is by no means deprived.
The Gameboy is relatively cheap (used), but I have no idea how much the games are.
The kicker is, he just wants it for one game.
Mario something-or-other.
That he has for the DS, but it's available for a Gameboy, so now he wants to play it on a Gameboy.

I do not want to purchase a Gameboy just so he can play this one game.

Reason number two is, The Games? They bring out The Crazy in him.
Seriously.
If he is playing a game and something doesn't go as planned, this boy will Lose.His.Shit.
He's going to give himself a stroke.

He starts tantrumming, redfaced, screaming, tears, jumping up and down like the Holy Ghost is in him, and becomes self-injurious and destructive. He's even starting to leave bruises on his face from the SIBs. And they're way more intense than before.

It's not a typical Jaysen-ASD-style-Tantrum though. These are quick. Almost out of nowhere. An intense burst of raw anger. So much anger. So out of control.
It's not only no fun, it's scary.
I know it's coming from somewhere- that he's trying to tell me something that I'm just not connecting with- but I'm at such a loss.

He's also been acting out in school, destroying things when he gets angry or upset, so it's pretty much across the board, and not just at home.

The only thing I got for Mother's Day, was a painting he did in school.
Yesterday, he ripped it to shreds because I told him he needed to calm down if he wanted to continue his Wii game.

Nice, thanks.

My hand is killing me.
You cannot even imagine how much this nerve damage stuff hurts.
So now I have to deal with The Crazy, on top of The Frankenhand.

I am holding fast to the idea that there is someone out there who has a voodoo doll of me, and is abusing the hell out of it.

If you see them, please poke them with sticks until they stop.
I would totally do it for you.

Mommy~dearest now with Frankenhand grip! Order now and receive 6 stitches free!

Mercury is obviously retrograde- but it's getting more difficult to tell, because it seems I just can't catch a break. Ever. Like not since 1978 or so.

Maybe all this craptastic stuff is happening for a reason.

Maybe I'm going to be rewarded with something huge.

Or maybe it's a sign I should resign this blog.

Maybe someone cursed me.

Whatever's going on, it needs to stop.

Because really?

I was just trying to open a can of green beans, not audition as a Gorefest 2010 hand model.

Behold The Frankenhand...

Am sexxxy to even the undead now.