D is for demolition.

Tomorrow is D-day.

My house will officially be coming down.

As in big huge machines will tear apart pieces of my life and memories, and throw them into dumpsters. That probably smell like rotting carcasses.

Ah well.

I suppose it's a good thing considering there's snow in my living room.

I've been trying to figure out just how much to involve the boys in this next phase. Rylan is only 3, and was pretty traumatized from the whole fire incident. But Jaysen, despite being 8, and Autism or not, kind of "got it". Rylan will not see the demo. Jaysen,, I really don't know.

I'd taken Jaysen back to the house a few times. At first, I had set stringent rules on what he could touch, not touch, where he could walk, and when he could pretty much breathe. he followed the rules every time. If there was a beloved VHS tape that he wanted to rescue, and I didn't think it was salvageable- no matter how badly he wanted that tape, he always put it back.

I've seen him react out of fear in the past. Trust me. It wasn't pretty.

This fear is different though. It's not the fight-or-flight fear. It's more of a reality-slaps-you-in-the-face, grounding fear. He was brave to go back to the house, and it became easier each time.

However.

A whole myriad of emotions arises when you think of your home being torn to pieces and discarded. I'm excited because there's finally some movement- a step in the direction of building our new home, but also the sickening feeling of everything that's still left in there, charred or not.

I probably will let him watch the demo.

He's had an active part in the whole process thus far- from rummaging through rubble (and learning what "debris" is), to helping make decisions about the new housing layout and decor.

There was a point when I didn't know if I should let him go back to the house, but my instinct was right and it ended up being a good thing for him. He really learns the best lessons from real-life situations. I just wish I could be there with him to deflect any potential anxieties.

Ugh. My house is being demolished tomorrow.

So, here's to new beginnings.

And may you never have snow in your living room.