Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Who you callin' turkey?

We had a great Christmas/Yule.

Companion and I awoke first. I think we were both close to going in and waking up the kids ourselves, just out of anticipation, but I'm glad we didn't. Jaysen woke up around 9am. He walked out into the living room and although he was in a good mood, the sight of the tree and presents was a bit overwhelming. So much for watching my kid tear into his presents first thing in the morning...he wanted to wait for Rylan to wake up. Awww.

Once Rylan woke up, the two of them opened their presents. Rather, Jaysen opened his presents, and "helped" Rylan open his. Everything was going so well, all of the presents got a positive reaction- one shirt was so overwhelming (a personalized "Sorcerer Mickey" from Fantasia, T-shirt), that Jaysen took it out of the wrapping, immediately ran it to his bedroom, and threw it into a box. Score! He really digs it.

Then there was the turkey.
Oh yes, the turkey. Evil thing it was.

I planned to make my first turkey for Christmas dinner. People do this all the time...how difficult could it be? Let's just say that if I have to make it, we will never have turkey again.

I got the turkey unwrapped, and just stared at it. I knew there was a neck and a bag of disgusting little thing-a-ma-grossness in there, but being the mother of a one-year old, I figured it couldn't be as bad as some of Rylan's diapers.

I reached in, grabbed hold of the neck, and pulled it out. And there it was. The turkey neck. I looked at it, and I realized I was staring at a turkey neck complete with the freakin' trachea dangling from the end of it! NAAAAAASTY! I was so grossed out, I flung the neck into the trash and started to dry heave.

Once I gained my composure...aww crap...there's still that "bag of goodies" in there! I tried to gear myself up to reach in again, but I couldn't do it. Ugh- I started to heave again.

What would a normal person do in this situation?
What did I do?

"Jaaaaaaayseeeeeen!"

Yep. I called my kid to do the dirty work.

"Jaysen, there's a bag in the turkey. I need you to put your hand in here, and get it out".
"No."
"C'mon...my hand is too big. Just reach in and grab the bag."
"No thank you".
"Please?"
"No."
"Just do it. You can have a piece of chocolate?"
"NO!"
"Two pieces?"
"NO!"
"C'mon Jaysen! Look! What's in there? There's something in there! What is it?!"
"NOOOOOO!!!"

Whimp.
Okay, I'm obviously going to have to do this myself. Put on your big girl panties and suck it up. Then it came to me. I had a most brilliant idea. Shaken Turkey Syndrome. I turned the bird upside down and proceeded to shake the shit out of it. Think a 14 pound ketchup bottle. But- it worked! I amaze myself with my brilliance at times.

I prepare the bird, throw it into a pan, and I'm good to go.
Or so I thought, until Companion called and told me I had to clean out the anus.

"The whaaaaat? I mean...I know what an anus is, but I have to what? Are you for real????"
"Yeah (laughing), I guess sometimes there's a second bag in there."
"Holy shit. I don't know if I can do this."

Jaysen's out of the question- he wouldn't reach in and get the giblet bag in the first place, there is no way in hell I'll be able to convince him to root around a turkey anus. By the way? The phrase turkey-butt has a whole new meaning to me. I no longer think it is funny. At all.

This turkey and I were on a whole new personal level, that I figured I should name him. George was his name. George's anus was clear in case you were wondering.
I finally got George into the oven after I threw an apple and an onion inside of him.
Yes- I said an apple. Yes, a whole apple.
Apparently, this is not a popular thing to do with a turkey, because of the looks I have been getting. Hey- I said it was my first turkey! Leave me alone.

George's name was changed to Damien somewhere at the beginning of the cooking process, since he made me burn my wrist on an oven coil. Damn turkey. I'm glad you have a dumb apple up your butt.

Fast forward.
Damien turned out great once his popper popped. He did not get the best of me. Dinner was great. The whole night- was great.

Victory is mine.
Whew.

6 comments:

Marla said...

Eeeeew. That is why I just buy a big ol' turkey breast and call it a day! Glad you had a nice Christmas!

Ashley's Mom said...

I'm very proud of you! Glad the holiday meal turned out great!

Casdok said...

Whew!!
Glad you all had a great time!!

Elissa - Managing Autism said...

Ohhh, I'm heaving for you!!!

Glad to hear it was a success in the end - well done, don't know if I'd have made it...

Val said...

I was gonna say "turkey breast!" but someone beat me to it.

BTW, I submitted your blog to dmoz.org. Hope you don't mind. :)

mommy~dearest said...

What's dmoz? Never heard of it, and I didn't get a whole lot of info when I tried to look it up. Is it a good thing? Am I going to make millions of dollars for turkey wrestling secrets?

Hee hee...