Monday, September 29, 2008

M&M's not only melt in your mouth...

"No, Mommy. Don' give M&M's me inna morning, because then inna school ana toilet paper. Ana M&M's I poop! Nooooo good."


Translation: Mommy, please don't give me M&M's in the morning. They make me poop at school.



Oh.



Thursday, September 25, 2008

Faces of Autism

Once upon a time, the lovely Casdok had an idea. "What would be a creative way to showcase our children- our beautiful children- our beautiful children with Autism? I think I'll start a blog that does just that". And so Faces of Autism was born.

Okay, well maybe it didn't happen quite like that, but really, this is a super-cool blog.


You should check it out. Like now. Go on, click the linky thing.

Was I right? Of course I was. It's awesome.

Since it is a super-cool blog, Mr. Super-cool Jaysen had to get his cuteness in there somewhere, so here is his post.

If you would like to contribute, email a picture and link (if you have one) to Casdok at motherofshrek@hotmail.co.uk. You do not need a blog to participate.



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Charmed, I'm sure.



Thank you, Kia at Good Enough Mama, for this award!
Now- is it cooler that I got an award, or that nobody seems to know what it says, or even can agree on which language it's in??? You decide. It rocks either way. AND- it says I'm charming. Read on...

The Rules:
Leave the following message on your post when you pass the award on to their chosen eight blogger buddies.

“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

See? It's right there. Exceedingly charming.
And who can deny an award whose rules include the words "self-aggrandizement" and "propagated"?!?
Not I.

So- eight blogs that I find exceedingly charming are:

What??? There's nine??? Get over it- there's a lot of charm out there.
Thank you again, Kia!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Once upon a breakfast.

Mornings are hectic. This morning was no different.

Usually, I run around the house while preparing for takeoff- finish getting ready for work, keeping an eye on Jaysen's juice so Rylan doesn't drink it, collecting books for backpack, ice pack in lunchbox, hunting down videos, crapzilla there's the bus!!! Y'know- everyday "morning" kinda stuff.

I usually have 15 minutes to gauge if Jaysen is going to eat some form of breakfast.
Chances are- he's not.

My tactic is that while I'm running, I will make a detour over to Jaysen every few minutes to stick a forkfull of waffle in his mouth. Careful not to displace any syrup because ohmigod that's a total sensory disaster waiting to happen. All he has to do is chew and swallow.
Don't judge. no breakfast = crabby kid. You come live with him.

This morning, however, I realize I am actually sitting on the couch feeding him. Forkful after forkful, waffle, waffle, sausage, waffle, waffle, sausage...WTF?

I stop, and give Jaysen this cockeyed 'how did I get here' look-
"Jaysen... why am I feeding you????"

He looked dead at me and said-
" 'Cuz I'm...Super Cool Jaysen."

Oh, for real? Because you mom's laughing so hard there's snot coming out of her nose.
Now that's super cool.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Spammity Spam

That's my new theme song. I want it to play whenever I walk.
My life has been reduced to a gelatinous glop of Spam.

Surely you remember last Sunday's craptastic episode of floody goodness?
Ahh... the memories.
Well don't you sweat it, my pretties, because there is a second, surprise installment of the Life of Me!

Checkitout-
Now, there is some mildewy ickiness happening in the basement from the flood. After mopping with bleach, I don't know what else to do. There are some drywall/paneling casualties as well. Okay, whatev.

A pipe from the main bathroom is leaking into the basement again (it was replaced earlier this year)- all over my workbench, which is where I scrapbook, so I lost my remaining scrapbooks and pictures that didn't get ruined when it flooded. I don't know where it's leaking from since none of the tiles in the ceiling are even damp.

Electrical fires are a joy. Had a couple of them too, so half of my house has no power. Also no attic fan. The stove still works, so at least I was able to cook dinner. In the dark.

Does the shit ever stop? Like ever???


I'm patiently awaiting the locusts.



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Sunday, September 21, 2008

I found a million dollars!

Okay, so I didn't.
But what I did find is the ultimate epitome of awesomeness.

What I found- is better than money. Better than gold. Better than jewels. Better than sex.
It's even better than Ezra.

I found...(potential) babysitters.

I know! I am so excited!
I say (potential) because I haven't done any formal interviewing yet, but still- this is huge!
I have never had one-a dem before, and Jaysen will be seven next month (my mother is a saint in that department).

And actually, it was Jaysen who found them! There were two neighborhood kids just passing by, and Jaysen McSocialpants decided to strike up a conversation to the best of his ability. They thought he was adorable (well duh), and we bonded from there.

They're sisters, and they have a cousin, or a cousin's friend, or a friend's cousin... who has Autism, so they're not spooked by that, and they just seem so sweet. They gave me their numbers and said to call whenever I wanted to get to know them better. How cool is that- not "call me for a job", but "call me to get to know me better". Color me impressed already.

Real, live (potential) babysitters!
I am so geeked.
Keep your fingers crossed.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

You break it, you buy it.

Getting Jaysen ready for school is torture. For me.

I have to get him dressed while he's still asleep -this is HELL since he now sleeps on his top bunk- because the first 2 attempts at waking him didn't work. We are making progress from the days I would put him to bed in the clothes he was to wear the next day. Did I just admit that?!? Never mind. Eventually he'll wander out to the table for breakfast.

Everyday it's the same-
Jaysen: "Do I have school today?"
Me: "Yes."
Jaysen: "NOOOO! I not going to school! I hate school!"
Me: "Um, well today is (insert day here), check the calendar yourself."

Our calendar is color coded with different dots. Green dots mean days you GO to school, Red dots for no school, yellow dots for something that could be potentially hazardous or joyous depending on the day, like half-days.

On days that Jaysen thinks he actually has a chance the discussion will go something like this:

Me: "C'mon Jaysen, time to start getting ready."
Jaysen: "What am I get ready for?"
Ah-ha. Your mom may be losing her marbles at times, but I'm still too sharp to fall for this little trap my dear.
I pretend to ignore.
Jaysen: "I said what am I get ready?"
Me: "Oh. To eat breakfast."
He's not falling for my tricks either.
Jaysen: "Then what?"
Me: "Then brush teeth."
Jaysen: "Then what?"
Me: "Then...we'll see." Nice ambiguous answer.
Jaysen: "Where am I go today?"
Drat. Backed into a corner again. Turn it around quickly!
Me: "You tell me where you're going today?"
Jaysen: "You say it."
Me: "No, you say it."
Jaysen: "You say it!"
Me: "No, because you're going to yell at me. Why don't you check the calendar?"
Walks over to calendar...
Jaysen: "Aaaarrrrrgggghhh! School!!!!! I not go to school! I hate school!"

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Luckily he has given up on trying to pull off ye ol' switcheroo, where he would pull off the green stickers and replace them with red ones. He's also been known to color in the dots black, in an attempt to confuse me. Smart ass.

Today, he got up early. I was excited for this because on the rare occasions this does happen, he is usually cooperative when it comes to getting dressed etc... which he was today. He got dressed, ate his breakfast, and asked to go outside to ride his bike. Umm... go for it. And if the bus happens to come while you're out there? Hop on it.

After my mom came to take over Rylan-duty, I went outside with Jaysen to watch him ride and wait for the bus. When the bus came, he walked out to it, went through our parting ritual, and then he stopped and kinda stooped over a bit.

Erp?

"Ooooh (moaning)... I forgot I broke my leg. I have to stay home..."

Um... you forgot you broke your leg?
Nice try, Superfly.


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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Dress to impress.

My boss and I have this strange relationship.
He is a very powerful, prominent guy in our company- he's the Vice President and Chief Financial Officer- and don't you dare abbreviate any of that!
He's straight laced and professional.

Then there's me.

Not that I am unprofessional, because when duty calls, trust me- I can deliver. But those who know me in real life, will tell you that I'm pretty down to earth, quirky, low maintenance, sarcastic, and a damn ball full o' joy to be around. Or crazy. But we'll stick with the former.

So Boss and I have these personality differences, and I think he actually enjoys my quirkiness. Matter of fact, he sometimes tries to engage in these quippy little stand-offs with me, and I'm torn because I have to keep reminding myself that he is my boss. That means that I have to let him win by default. Argh.

Case in point: My boss comes into my office with this grin from ear to ear.

This usually means he was thinking of some hysterical comment/comeback/ditty and finally has it worked out in his head.

Me: (eyes wide waiting for delivery, with that 'I'mreallybusybutcanIhelpYOU?' look)
Boss: Were you disoriented this morning when you woke up?
Me: (looking all crookilated at him) Um... why?
Boss: (barely containing himself) Because you're wearing a dress today!
Me: *blink, blink* Hahaaaaa.
(Have to feign like that was the funniest thing I've experienced this side of a desk, when actually I think it's much funnier that he takes the newspaper into the bathroom with him everyday.)

Truth is, although I'm far from a tomboy, I don't usually wear dresses (Gee- wonder why?).
I wanted to slap him, but that wouldn't have been very lady-like. I am in a dress after all.
Unless I curtsied first.
Hmmm.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sunday's crappenings

The grand-parental foursome (y'know, in-laws, out-laws, alla parents) decided to take the boys to an all day affair at the cider mill. Well, with all the rain, those plans crapped out. Shit- I have to explain to Jaysen that he's not going to the cider mill that I pumped up for him, bribing his interest with the promise of donuts. I hate this.

Deed done, my mom phoned saying I could drop the boys off at 11am, at her house. Okay- now I have to sell Jaysen on going to Moppi's house. Yes, you can play the computer, blah blah.

As soon as he was convinced, she called again, saying she would pick them up at noon to go with her running errands and such. OMG- here we go again...

I slightly lost my temper (remember I'm not smoking, so I'm quicker to blow lately). I explained that she needed to stop changing the plans because this was all going to end up in a meltdown eventually. Her effort to give me a break from the kids was stressing me out like a nicotine deprived bitch from hell (oh wait...I am a nicotine deprived bitch from hell...).

*Ding dong*
Who in the world would be at the door this early on a Sun...oh no...
The Jehovas.
I opened the door with a sincere smile, and politely explained to the cute girl that after reading over the literature she had left (lie), I just don't think I'm interested. She seemed bummed, and I thanked her for her time and efforts, and wished them well.

I dropped the boys off at my parents' at 11am, like plan B. What she did with them after that was not my issue.

Ahhh... so what does one do with no little 'uns? Laundry of course!
Carry basket down the stairs, load washer.
Go back up for basket #2.
Bring basket #2 down, switch load #1 into dryer.
Go up to collect basket #3.
Bring basket #3 down, notice familiar spot that leaks water every time it rains, throw towel over it.
Load #1 out of dryer, load #2 in dryer, load #3 in washer.
Return with load #4. Notice water spot is a bit bigger than usual. Lotta rain.
Throw another towel over it.
Bring Loads #1 and #2 upstairs to fold.
Whew.

Kids home, dinner accomplished, I sauntered to the basement to get the remaining laundry baskets to bring upstairs (yes, I procrastinate on my folding).

OH HOLY JEEBUS IN TUBE SOCKS!
WTF is a swimmin' hole doing in my basement!?!?!

The basement was flooded. Flooded. That familiar little pool of water had turned into 5 inches of water covering the whole entire basement floor! Wanna know the best part??? Tiki's litter box is in the laundry room. He frequently kicks his poo out of the litter box. My basement was flooded with cat poo water. Awesome.

My fit of surprise, shock, and profane sentiments, brought Jaysen running. He stood atop the stairs and screamed for Companion. Neither one of us knew what the hell to do, so I did what any self respecting, independent woman would do... phoned my Dad.

Peepa came over, surveyed the damage, and retrieved Geeky Neighbor. Geeky Neighbor does "geeky" proud (yes, he deserves a capital G), but he so sweet. Anyway, GN came with his shirt-tucked-into-pants-up-to-armpits (no lie), rubber waders (no lie) and a pipe wrench. They spent a long time down there, but eventually wrenched out my old water softener pipe, and the water started to drain. The water created that cyclone drain effect you sometimes get in the bathtub- when it stopped, GN was concerned because we "disrupted the vortex". No lie again. But it was cool because "the vortex was back". Whew. I was worried there, that my vortex was pissed off and left for good.

So I most likely need an uber-sump pump because apparently my house sits on enough water for an Artisan well. I may also need my basement jack-hammered up to do something with something else, that I don't quite follow. What I do know is that will be an expensive pain in the ass considering I have that old (super cool turquoise and gray) asbestos tiling. It's going to require a hazmat team in expensive zoot suits and overpriced scuba masks to tackle that one. Fan-freakin-tastic.

This morning, the basement seemed pretty well drained. Except I just got a call from Companion saying that mopping is futile until the water stops.
Fishsticks! It keeps flooding, and flooding, and flooding...


I knew I shouldn't have lied to the cute little Jehova girl.
She apparently has connections.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Lookout Bruce Lee!

Jaysen's pretty far behind when it comes to social interests. Sure, he's social in the friendly sort of way, but his interests are still very immature. The words "age appropriate" make me cringe. Needless to say, I am thrilled anytime he exhibits even the most remote spark of interest in anything superhero-ish, sporty-ish, or just rough-housing-ness. Last night, he developed a moment of intense interest for karate.

So.

Here's my son showing off his interpretive dance- I mean karate -moves.
In his Batman skivvies.


video

It's a 2 minute video, but you have to at least see the end- where he asks me to put his "moves" on a video, so he can show his friends his karate. In his Batman undies. Um, RLY? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Actually, it's more clothes than he usually wears at home, so he probably felt mighty dressed.

Rock on my little ninja! Keep working on those moves and momma will get you some cool nunchucks. Or maybe a tutu.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Happy anniversary.

Julie Aigner-Clark, whatever I did to piss you off, I'm truly sorry. Please stop making my life miserable.

Last night, I found out that in celebration of the Baby Einstein collections' 10th anniversary, Disney is releasing 10th anniversary editions of Baby Mozart and Baby Beethoven.
Release date is tomorrow.

Oh my freakin' holy hell.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Bunk bed-lam.

I'd promised Jaysen he could have a bunk bed for his (last) birthday, and since his (next) birthday is soon approaching, I felt I needed to make good on my word. Being that things have been tight for awhile, I decided to forgo the fancy-schmancy bunk beds and get the cheapest one (which is actually a loft, with the plan being to put his old bed under it to make it a "bunk" bed). I know- hindsight is 20/20. Whatev.

I must enjoy suffering. Why else would I think it would be a good idea to get Jaysen a bunk bed that had to be made? This was a little more than just having to put it together, yet just short of having to chop down your own trees. The "bed" arrived in 2 boxes, and when we opened them, what do you think we found? Lumber. Complete with the lumberyard stamps on the wood and all. I can't even call it rustic, because rustic implies there's a sense of style there.

It was supposed to take "approximately one hour" to set up- thirteen hours later...we decided to finish it the next morning before we killed each other. Companion even considered converting to Christianity because "Jesus knew how to build shit out of wood". But now, I am proud to say, the bed is up.

And Jaysen loves it.

He has hardly come out of his room all day. He's got his little set up on the top bed, complete with DVD player, snack tray, and pillows galore. He is in his new fortress, and even set up the bottom bed for Lil' Rylan (who is still in a crib). How sweet.

As the night progressed, he brushed his teeth by himself in the bathroom (usually, I have to brush them in his bed), got his jammas on, and went to bed ten minutes early.

Then it started.
Either he was a little freaked out, or he thought the bed was really super-cool, because every time I'd walk by his bedroom, he'd pop up and say "Hi Mommy!" or "How's it goin' Mommy?" or "Whatcha doin' Mommy?" Oh brother.

Next came the "I need some water".
"Okay..." got water for dehydrated child-
Two minutes later: "Can I have another sip of water?"
Go to bedroom to give top-bunker another sip.
Two minutes later: "Mommy, I need some more water."
Get kid another sip of water, go to kitchen and find flip-top spill proof drinking vessel.
Hoist vessel to top bunk so child can self-hydrate.
Start plans for shelving addition to bed.

Jaysen finally went to sleep- then in the middle of the night, "Mommy...can you lay wif me?!?"
I climb out of bed and shuffle into Jaysen's room. I gently tell him to go back to sleep, and I'll lay on the bottom bed (like our plan).

"But I want to go down inna bottom bed an sleep wif yoooooou!"
But the plan! What about The Plan?!? The Plan was your big idea to sleep by yourself all night in your own bed, and now you're not sticking to your own plan!!!

I? Am a sucker.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Reality bites.

This is my "hell week", so naturally, I'm exhausted.

Jaysen said school was "Great!" today, but when I read his daily documentation sheet, it said he hit his para. Twice. In the face. Of course, there were no details about the incidents.

If anyone has any tips on administering eye drops to a toddler, please let me know. The vice grips and pea shooter are no longer working.

Ugh.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Third time's a charm.

This is my third attempt to publish this post, but Blogger has been uncooperative with me thus far. Darn error messages. Frustrating.

Rylan was up all night battling the snot demons which invaded his little body. He was miserable. We took him to a professional exorcist, in the form of a pediatrician, because face it- I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Turns out the poor lil' guy has an eye infection (and possibly an ear infection as well, but the doc was unable to tell if his ears were red due to infection or him screaming so much). Amoxicillin and eyedrops 3 times a day. That'll be fun.

Oh! School! The day started out rough, Jaysen was mad at me because I was rushing him, thus he couldn't finish watching his TV program. We went outside to wait for the bus. As the bus pulled up, Jaysen started down the driveway and turned to inform me that he was NOT waving goodbye to me. Ouch.

I e-mailed his teachers as soon as I got to work, to give them a heads up about the situation. I immediately got a response from Sp.Ed. He was fine, lined up and went into class with the rest of the class. They were in the resource room taking a sensory break.

About two minutes later, Gen.Ed also responded. Jaysen entered the classroom in a good mood, sat at his desk, and followed directions. It's a good day so far.

Erp? Sat at his desk? Followed directions?
This school isn't a school...it's a magical learning emporium.

The teachers are faerie folk, and the principal rides around on a big white unicorn. The librarians are book sprites, and the cafeteria is covered in glittery pixie dust.
That's the only explanation I can muster.

Later in the afternoon, I received a phone call from Sp.Ed. I'm silent as my heart thumps its way down to the floor. Ohmigod...darkness falls over the magical school...hostile takeover...Lord of the Flies... However, she assures me that everything is fine- there was one incident, but it was their fault, not his. There was an assembly at the end of the day, and the teachers had the kids pack their backpacks and take them to the assembly- Jaysen was under the impression it was time to go home. Yeah- that's typical Jaysen. The important thing here, is that they were able to redirect him, and he calmed quickly. And joined the assembly! And they documented everything in writing. And they called me!
The pixie dust has been restored to the magical faerie school.

Sp.Ed said she would probably call me a lot during the first few weeks, while they get to know Jaysen and how he responds to things. Awesome! I welcome all the calls your little fingers can make! I am thrilled with the communication thus far. Yes, I know it's the first day...

Fast forward to this morning (remember, this post was originally written last night). Jaysen is not happy he has school today. I begin to feel that familiar heaviness in my chest. He tells me that this is a bad school, but is unable to tell me why.

I talk with (to?) him with brutal honesty. I explain that he may just not like school, but this is a very good school for him, and they are very happy to have him there. Everything is new, so it may be scary at first, but this really is a nice place to be. I let him escape from the conversation because if he is to remain positive, you just don't push such things.

Breakfast done. Vitamins done. Juice (meds) done. Brush teeth done.
Holy crap! What the heck is up with that hair, and why didn't I notice it before just now!?!?!
My son has terrible "morning hair" every day, but some days are worse than others, and this was one of those days where keeping him home from school actually crossed my mind. How do you slick a kid's hair down when they have an aversion to the droplets of water that fly off the brush? *ahem* baby wipes. Yes I did, so shut up.

He let me kiss him goodbye when the bus came, and off to school it was. That was the first installment of the new and improved schooling experience. It's going to be tough to get him to want to go to school, and there may be some sort of incentive plan needed here, so I'll be thinking on that one.

So far, I am feeling really good about my decision on this school.